I is for...
...Irish Coffee. Or also known as Gaelic Coffee but most often it's known as super sized pain in the ass coffee. Here's what happens when someone orders an Irish Coffee.
"So can I get anyone a coffee?"
"I'll have a cappuccino."
"Mmmm yeah me too."
"Two cappuccinos and gents, any coffee for you?"
"I'll just have a regular."
"I fancy an Irish."
"Irish and a regular it is."
Waiter makes 2 cappuccinos, a regular and an super sized pain in the ass Irish Coffee. He serves them, 2 caps for the ladies, a regular for gent number 1 and an Irish for gent number 2. BUT it doesn't end there, oh no. When the rest see the Irish Coffee they all want an Irish coffee, except one wants a Calypso and another wants a Royale and another wants a fucking French with less cream and blah de fucking blah on top. Every fucking time. I don't mind making them, in fact I'm really rather good at them. But it's the having to go back to the bar and making another round that makes me twitch with anger. Christmas is the main harvest for Irish coffees. The thing is that when one tosser orders one the rest of the table of 25 wants one. It's hell! Irish coffees are practically smuggled to tables behind the backs of other waiters or under service cloths.
To make an Irish Coffee heat an appropriate glass and then add whiskey. Don't worry about it being a good whiskey as you are gonna mix it with sugar and coffee so does it really matter? Bob in a sugar and coffee and mix. Using a spoon pour some thick cream on top of the coffee. And then run, run waiter run. Get it to the table before any cream heads south. That's the standard method. I prefer the get the manager to make it method.
....Ignore. Customers really don't like to be ignored. They get really snippy when they cant order. They are beside themselves with frustration when they cant get someone to take their money. They tend to go quite gaga when they cant get a waiter to refill their water. Poor lambs. But are you being ignored or are you just being impatient? Eh? Is the waiter just busy with someone else? It doesn't pay for the waiter to ignore you. But if the customer perceives that they are being ignored then they really do believe that the waiter has it in for them. It's that whole perception is reality thingy. So how can you tell if the waiter is ignoring you or just busy?
Answer yes to any of these and you are probably being ignored,
Have you arrived late for your booking?
Have you complained about your table and been moved to a different part of the restaurant?
Have you previously been a pain in the arse?
Have you previously tipped like an Australian? (Poorly)
Are you Australian? (Hehehehehe couldn't resist, you know I love you guys really don't you?)
Do you have any previous for any infractions that are likely to have cheesed the waiter off on your last visit? Think hard, waiters are sensitive.
Are you a bore? Come on now be honest? Do you really think the waiter wants to know about the new plants in the garden?
Answer yes to any of these questions and you probably aren't being ignored, it's probably just busy or most likely you have Napoleonic issues.
Is the restaurant busy? I mean are all the seats taken and you only see one sweaty fat waiter?
Has the waiter told you that he'll be with you in a moment?
Is the waiter currently with someone else, maybe taking an order or serving food? I mean he cant be in two places at once now can he?
Waiters don't ignore guests unless of course you we are ignoring you.
J is more interesting, honest. I mean there is Jerk, both Jamaican and regular!