Wednesday, 25 June 2008

I is for...



I is for...

...Irish Coffee. Or also known as Gaelic Coffee but most often it's known as super sized pain in the ass coffee. Here's what happens when someone orders an Irish Coffee.

"So can I get anyone a coffee?"

"I'll have a cappuccino."

"Mmmm yeah me too."

"Two cappuccinos and gents, any coffee for you?"

"I'll just have a regular."

"I fancy an Irish."

"Irish and a regular it is."

Waiter makes 2 cappuccinos, a regular and an super sized pain in the ass Irish Coffee. He serves them, 2 caps for the ladies, a regular for gent number 1 and an Irish for gent number 2. BUT it doesn't end there, oh no. When the rest see the Irish Coffee they all want an Irish coffee, except one wants a Calypso and another wants a Royale and another wants a fucking French with less cream and blah de fucking blah on top. Every fucking time. I don't mind making them, in fact I'm really rather good at them. But it's the having to go back to the bar and making another round that makes me twitch with anger. Christmas is the main harvest for Irish coffees. The thing is that when one tosser orders one the rest of the table of 25 wants one. It's hell! Irish coffees are practically smuggled to tables behind the backs of other waiters or under service cloths.

To make an Irish Coffee heat an appropriate glass and then add whiskey. Don't worry about it being a good whiskey as you are gonna mix it with sugar and coffee so does it really matter? Bob in a sugar and coffee and mix. Using a spoon pour some thick cream on top of the coffee. And then run, run waiter run. Get it to the table before any cream heads south. That's the standard method. I prefer the get the manager to make it method.

and also....

....Ignore. Customers really don't like to be ignored. They get really snippy when they cant order. They are beside themselves with frustration when they cant get someone to take their money. They tend to go quite gaga when they cant get a waiter to refill their water. Poor lambs. But are you being ignored or are you just being impatient? Eh? Is the waiter just busy with someone else? It doesn't pay for the waiter to ignore you. But if the customer perceives that they are being ignored then they really do believe that the waiter has it in for them. It's that whole perception is reality thingy. So how can you tell if the waiter is ignoring you or just busy?
Answer yes to any of these and you are probably being ignored,

Have you arrived late for your booking?
Have you complained about your table and been moved to a different part of the restaurant?
Have you previously been a pain in the arse?
Have you previously tipped like an Australian? (Poorly)
Are you Australian? (Hehehehehe couldn't resist, you know I love you guys really don't you?)
Do you have any previous for any infractions that are likely to have cheesed the waiter off on your last visit? Think hard, waiters are sensitive.
Are you a bore? Come on now be honest? Do you really think the waiter wants to know about the new plants in the garden?

Answer yes to any of these questions and you probably aren't being ignored, it's probably just busy or most likely you have Napoleonic issues.

Is the restaurant busy? I mean are all the seats taken and you only see one sweaty fat waiter?
Has the waiter told you that he'll be with you in a moment?
Is the waiter currently with someone else, maybe taking an order or serving food? I mean he cant be in two places at once now can he?
Waiters don't ignore guests unless of course you we are ignoring you.

J is more interesting, honest. I mean there is Jerk, both Jamaican and regular!

30 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

bendersbetterbrother said...

2 I s. That's it? Where was Illicit, for all the smuggled in hooch stories and sausage games in the stalls? Or Ill, for all the involuntary puking at table incidents?
There's still time for an edit before J.

Manuel said...

bbb: seriously benders bro my mojo is down at the moment....I'll give you the password...you do it....

Medbh said...

Your mojo is firmly in place, Manuel.

samcrea said...

I'd love to meet the dude that invented the Irish Coffee, i think I'd like to give him a slap on the back (with a shovel, that I would later use to bury him)
Used to work at a hotel where Irish Coffee was part of a set menu, and we used to make anywhere from 250 up to 800 at a go... GReat fun..

samcrea said...

I'd love to meet the dude that invented the Irish Coffee, i think I'd like to give him a slap on the back (with a shovel, that I would later use to bury him)
Used to work at a hotel where Irish Coffee was part of a set menu, and we used to make anywhere from 250 up to 800 at a go... GReat fun..

savannah said...

xoxoxox...you need them, sugar! ;-)

Anonymous Boxer said...

It is a pain in the ass to make.. that's why I wait until I'm out of MY house to order one.

or two.

MJ said...

I is for Irish Whiskey which makes MJ a happy woman.

Sherry QuiteContrary said...

What about I for Idiot? or Ignoranuses? or Illiterates who want you to read the entire f'ing menu to them?

Conan Drumm said...

Thanks a mil' for the list, I know how to drive off hovering waiters!

Manuel said...

medbh: not sure......I think I need a mojodectimy.....

sam: Joseph Sheridan, from Limerick...probably dead but we shouldn't let that get in the way of revenge

sam: Joseph Sheridan, from Limerick...probably dead but we shouldn't let that get in the way of revenge (hehehehe)

savannah: thanks....

boxer: nice........huh!

mj: dipso!

sherry: oh fucking hate that!

conan: better to hover than hoover.......hahahahaha

Conan Drumm said...

That's for sure, hoovering would be the ecumenical equivalent of playing the national anthem.

Hope the form is better.

Manuel said...

conan: two days off......back tonight.....full house, so should be a sweet night.....

jen said...

That would be my husband's aunt - the one who dithers and then asks for the Calypso coffee after the main order has been taken... This is the same aunt who got us talking to Genghis that time, so I'm starting to see a pattern developing here.

Manuel said...

jen: yes, best left at home.....! or a separate table for one.....

B said...

what's Irish Coffee? Tea?


Ignoring someone is brilliant, they get so angry, generally too angry to even complain(only in Ireland I imagine)

Manuel said...

b: boom boom! oh no they complain but that just tends to make things worse for them.....no more ignoring but loads n loads of attention......that really pisses them off.......

Blondefabulous said...

I is for inland. If you are inland, it is pretty well certin that the seafood has been frozen at some point in time and has no possibility of really being fresh.....so don't bother to ask!

Push off to a Red Lobster if your that worried. (Theirs is frozen too, dumbass!)

sheepworrier said...

'I' for Internal waiter monologue...

"Gimme a f**king minute, jesus, i've got 5 tables here and you want to change a steak to well done? F**king philistine. Good christ I could kill that cu*tbutler of a kid on table 5, why won't he just shut the f**k up? Oh Americans! Tippy tippy tippy! My feet hurt."

sheepworrier said...

'I' is also for Inland Revenue, as in "sssshhhhh - I don't pay tax on my tips"

Manuel said...

blondie: yes and ll our fish is caught local.....including the tuna.....hehehehe

sheepo: brilliant......and shhhhhhhh the fuckers have spies.....

Quickroute said...

I make my own Irish coffees as follows:


Pour large glass of Whiskey
Make Espresso
Drink whiskey
Drink Espresso

No fuss, no mess!

daisy mae said...

oh this is not fair! up until now i thought an 'irish coffee' was bailey's and coffee - that's what they tout it as EVERYWHERE i've ever lived in the states.

but now that i know....

'I' is also for ignorant - as in those who are ignorant of any or all social (civil) customs such as chewing with your mouth closed, not talking with gobs of food in your mouth, etc .etc.

Maxi Cane said...

Ah, the "get the manager to make it method". Waiters try this on me, but it usually ends with "Who's collecting the tip?"

I haven't made an Irish coffee in nigh on to five years!

Manuel said...

quickie: hahahahaha the very best way, also good with brandy

daisy mae: a baileys coffee is called a cafe creme and I am the master of them as I can get them to float and no one else can......I'll make you one, someday.....

maxi: if you were my manger you would be making my coffees.....period.....and you knows it too....

Maxi Cane said...

Wanna take this outside?

Manuel said...

maxi: ooooh

problemchildbride said...

Oh God, I think I might have been guilty of that Irish coffee one before.

Anonymous said...

Hey! tipping practices are different over here! We're inbetween America and Japan in terms of tipping custom.

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