Wednesday, 14 May 2008

E is for...


E is for...


...Early Bird Specials. Fuck do I hate Early Bird Bloody Specials. I hate that bloody phrase. I hate the people who ask for it. I hate having to sell it. I hate it's many derivatives such as Beat the Fucking Clock and The Meal for Fucking Two. Fuck off. Don't get me wrong I like a bargain as much as the next handsome waiter but I don't go searching for them. It's the cheap fuckwits who phone round restaurants looking for one with an Early Bird Special. Catch a grip! And when you have to serve the bastards they never read the small print, they try to make 20 substitutions, they get paranoid they are getting less than people ordering from the proper menu and they never ever fucking tip. Almost all restaurant promotions are shit and just attract the cheap and the old. So to recap I don't like Early Bird Specials.

it's also for...

...Eight O'Clock. Eight o'clock on a Saturday night is prime time, it's ground zero, it's when the fan is about to get hit with more than shit, oh so much more. And it's not just Saturday night either. Eight o'clock is when most people want to eat. Bless them. So with that in mind bloody book in advance.

and...

....Everything. Just make a decision.

"What can I get you sir?"
"Oh everything, it all looks great!"
"Yes sir, maybe I could help?"
"Oh I dunno I like everything."
"Well just choose one"
"I really want everything."
"Yes Sir, it's all great."
"Everything is just so tempting."
"Choose one"
"I really cant"
"Choose one"
"I'm just not sure."
"Choose one"
[repeat until someone is dead]

as well as...

...Envy. We have all done it. We order the lovely lamb or the healthy fish and our dining partner orders a big fat steak. We feel smug because we ordered something different but when the food comes we get all jealous and grumpy. Our lamb is tiny and our fish is bland but their steak is man sized and bloody gorgeous. Envy creeps in and your meal is ruined.

and not forgetting...

...Espresso. That's espresso, say it with me E-SPRES-OH. And again E-SPRES-OH. Easy isn't it? So quit with the very annoying EXspreso. It's annoying and makes me flinch and not want to serve you. Yes I know it's pedantic but there you go. Learn it and we can all move on.

and definitely not forgetting...

...Entree. Oh you crazy Americans! Entree is a French word
meaning entry or entrance. So why for the love of all that is right and just in the wide world of sport do you use it to refer to your main course? Why? Why? Why? I mean do you realise the difficulty it causes when you dine in restaurants in Europe? For everybody else in the world the entree is the starter. Come on now get it sorted.

19 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

bendersbetterbrother said...

Starter you mean. Get it sorted you tardy, over-holidayed, smiley E headed waiter.

And slather a big slice of crusty loaf with an entrée of irony while you're at it.

Medbh said...

Oh, I hate to hear expresso. Where do they get the x from?
I would kill for some right now to give me some enthusiasm.
Or is that exthusiasm?

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

Enthusiasm's over-rated - look at some of the contestants on Idol.

Eight o'clock is the eating time of the masses, of unfashionable fools! And soooo Eighties, furilla. An ironic 7.46 booking is the preference of all Naughties hipsters worth their glassless spectacles.

Manuel said...

bbb: jesus! I need an editor.......oh wait I have you....cheers...

medbh: hahahahahahahahaha!

sam: 7.45 says I have somewhere to be, I have a life.....I like it.....just don't try it with me.....you wont get a table....

daisyfae said...

like the 7:46 booking time... but it brings to mind other aproaches to selecting a reservation time.

do stoners & druggies eat at 4:20?

dentists at 2:30? (ok - you have to say this one out loud...)

eric clapton - 12:01 am (after midnight)?

sorry. i'll go to bed now...

samcrea said...

A very Dear (and very gay) male friend of mine, taught me not to ever call it EXpresso, he was a real french nut,
But I never forgot..

Blondefabulous said...

Edible...... something I rarly got to serve when I was waiting. Why, oh why would you take a beautiful cut of steak and cook it until it has the texture of shoe leather? Or why would you order a beautiful green salad and drench it in so much dressing that you no longer see the veggies? Phillistines!

Primal Sneeze said...

[repeat until someone is dead]

I loves that I do so I do. Class!

Anonymous Boxer said...

uhm, cuz we're stupid?

E is for Education!

conortje said...

are you never tempted to say something along the lines of 'I'm sorry we're fresh out of expresso - we do however have some very fine espresso today?'

savannah said...

yeah, anon boxer is right, we probably shouldn't go anywhere as stupid as we are, sugar! xox

Conan Drumm said...

E is for... eatery, a place to fatten your arteries.

sheepworrier said...

Ebeneezer Goode?

Manuel said...

daisyfae: there's a whole post just there......nice

samcrea: is there nothing they cant teach us!

blondie: savages the lot of them.....

primal: awh thanks......but so very true....

boxer: not all.......very definitely not all...

conortje: yes......and stabbing, i'm tempted to stab a lot.....

savannah: no! you're welcome anytime....

conan: Excellent......see what I did there.....

sheepo: oh happy day.......

Native Minnow said...

Boxer got it right. We use entree differently because we're too lazy to figure out what it really means.

Manuel said...

minnow: In your case I believe that......

belfast plate carrier said...

There's one thing I notice and it only comes from elderly women. The ones that order 'capachinna'

Manuel said...

bpc: or cap-a-seeno....old people.......I hope to be old people one day

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