Wednesday, 2 April 2008

Dr Fork-Stabber has the answers

A young man dropped his fork on the ground on Tuesday night. I can hear a fork hitting the ground from twenty paces, so I was immediately on hand with a new shiny clean fork free from hair and crumbs and the other detritus to be found on the average restaurant floor. Now that I think about it we probably need to clean our floor a bit better.

"No need mate this one's fine" assured the young man.

Dirty boy. Very dirty boy.

I wasn't sure what to do with the fork. Stabbing him for his dirtiness wouldn't stand up as a reasonable defense in a court of law. So I just left it with him. The young lady with him was somewhat mortified and as I walked away I could hear her telling him to use the new one.

This was a very definite faux pas on his part.

And then there was the older "gentleman" that used the very annoying "Yo" command to attract my attention. Yo fucking ho matey. What the fuck is it with this "Yo" thing these days. If you are Flavor Flav I'll let you off with it. If you are a retired gent from the suburbs of Belfast then don't even consider it.

Another faux pas. I was nearly gonna head back and get my stabbing fork back from dirty boy.
Dr Fork-Stabber
The doctor will see you now

Now I know most of you wouldn't ever use "Yo" to attract a waiters attention. And I would hate to think that you wouldn't want your dropped fork replaced. But do you worry about how to conduct yourself in a restaurant? Do you worry about being stabbed by the waiter? Is it okay to touch the waiters sweet sweet sugar loaf? If you ask for brown sauce will the waiter laugh at you? When is it okay to not to tip? Will the waiter spit in my soup if I send it back? Was the waiter being a snooty fuck when he said, "Ketchup sir? Oh right away!"? If such issues keep you awake at night or keep you from enjoying your bimonthly night out at your local Pizza hut then fret no more.

I'm here to answer your restaurant related questions. Let Manuel take the pain and embarrassment away. Just leave your questions in the comments or email me at: Ichewwithmymouthopenisthatokay?

I'll answer them tomorrow.

15 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Anonymous Boxer said...

First, I close my mouth and do NOT eat forks that have fallen on the floor. Or, at least, not if people are LOOKING.

My question: Why do (some) waiters sit down at the table to take an order? Are they tired? Hungry? My new best friend?

Tell me, Sir.

Angela-la-la said...

I have nothing to ask. I've not once had an issue in any eating establishment since reading your extremely informative blog.

Jamie, Delia and Nigella all send their thanks for forcing me to cook at home since I developed 'waiteritis'.

Manuel said...

boxer: that's a good one.....there's science behind the answer too......

angela-la-la: be brave.....we don't bite.....often

Medbh said...

He probably doesn't wash his hands after he pees or picks his nose, either.
No class.

Anonymous said...

What's the most disgusting thing you've done with a customer's food then?

MJ said...

1. Has seeing the bad behaviour of diners made YOU a better customer when you're in a store or restaurant?

2. What is your greatest revenge fantasy?

3. What do you want us to do with our plates and cutlery at the end of our meal? Do you want us to tidy them up a bit? Or just leave them?

4. Just once could I fondle your bum?

dave said...

What kind of email address is that to have!???
'ichewwithmy moutho penis'

That's a candidate for spam filters if ever I've seen one.

fatmammycat said...

Are all chefs really insane violent alcoholic psychopaths?

Conan Drumm said...

I read it just like Dave, are we related?

Blondefabulous said...

I hate going to a nice restaurant, after having planned the night out for a solid month and having coordinated sitters and such, and being sat next to a complete ackass and his friends who don't know a salad fork from a soup spoon! People like that remind me of that scene from the Blues Brothers where they go to get Mr. Fabulous (no relation) and cause major havoc in a 5 star place! ("The women. How much for the women??") Makes all the time and effort invested into my once a month evening just a frickin' waste!

Ed said...

Are all chefs insanely hot-headed? I never met one who wasn't.

And can you emphathise with them/respect them or just kinda hate the type of person who becomes a chef (like lawyers or dentists)?

Tony said...

one of my favorite exchanges with a customer is as follows:
very beautiful woman: i'd like coffee please
me: do you want cream with that?
vbw: oh god yes, i looove cream.

savannah said...

i heart you! ;-)

that's it, no questions, sugar!

EmmaK said...

Why do waiters never feature in porn movies whereas pizza delivery boys do? Are you hurt by this?

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