Saturday, 26 April 2008

Boundaries...

Inappropriate things to do in a restaurant.....
....and I've witnessed all of them!

NO! NO NO NO!

1. Women painting their nails at the table. Get the fuck outta here! Have you smelt that stuff? I mean why not just crack open a bottle of methylated spirits and toss it all over the carpet?! Instead of the air being filled with the mouth watering aromas of garlic and ginger and the waiters recently smoked cigarette we get the chemical overtones of Maybelline White Shine Nail Varnish. I used to drop hints, turn air con on or crack open a window or pretend to look for the source of the smell, that sort of thing. But not anymore, direct action, "Oi! Put it away! NOW!"

2. Man picking the dry skin of his feet at the table. Socks and shoes were tossed asunder and he was going at it like a man on a mission. Are you fucking kidding me? That's barely appropriate in your own living room let alone a public place. We were so shocked we didn't quite know what to do. By the time we decided he need to be told he had popped his hooves back in his socks and shoes. Shocking....

3. Bringing a bucket of KFC for the little ones. I mean nothing displays parental love more than feeding your kids from a cardboard bucket. Again barely appropriate in your own home but well out of order in a fucking full service a la carte bloody restaurant. JESUS WEPT and the chef went mental. I was saved from having to deal with this situation as the chef walked in and spotted them just as we spotted them. Suffice to say there was a lively debate which ended in me producing a bill for drinks and having to run to the kitchen to cancel two steaks.

4. Bringing your own booze. I've had them all from shop workers to teachers to accountants trying to save a few bucks by bringing their own booze. Fuckity fuck if you cant afford the beer don't go out or at the very least go somewhere cheaper. One guest even tried to tell me he had bought the offending bottle of "wine" from me! The brassneck of him! I mean you can spot the crazy monkeys that are as drunk as lords despite having only ordered cokes from you all night long.

5. European display of emotions at the table. The French, Italian, Spanish etc all live with their hearts on their sleeves. Their emotions are raw and alive! Fantastic! But don't be trying it on in my bloody restaurant especially if you're not French, Italian or bloody Spanish. If they get all emotional with tears or laughter or sexy time that's ok, that's fine. They are just "funny foreigners" but if you are from the Antrim Road or South Belfast etc then knock the air kissing, the very loud hellos, the happy sing song etc off. If you wanna have an argument then please go down the route of passive aggression. If you want sexy fun time then hold hands across the table or go to the bathrooms. If you want to say hello then nothing says hello like a firm handshake. STOP DISTURBING ME AND MY TABLES! I blame all these foreign holidays........

Boundaries people, get them and learn to live within them......
Any more?

23 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

MJ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MJ said...

*oops...tries again*

Get off your mobile.

Blondefabulous said...

Have you had the parents bring in those portable DVD players yet? OMG! If the kids are going to be so bored at the restaurant that you have to cover over the music and ambiance with SpongeBob Squarepants, GO HOME! Or at least shell out for a baby sitter. I couldn't hear myself think when that happened!

martin said...

My reaction to people who wanted to bring their own wine was to say "Why don't you bring some sandwiches too and make a picnic of it?"

Native Minnow said...

Picking dead skin off feet at the table = disgusting.

On an unrelated subject, what's the biggest table you've ever served? I went to dinner the other night, and there was a group of 50 people with one server. They'd pushed a whole bunch of tables together. I was very impressed that he was able to handle it all.

witchypoo said...

Mascara wearing women removing black eye boogers at table. That's yummy.

Nick said...

No European display of emotions? That's a bit strict, Manuel. You mean we have to sit there being frightfully decorous and well-behaved and nary a tear or giggle? Surely one of the pleasures of eating out is to relax and let go a little? I can't see anything wrong with emotions unless they're the negative ones like anger and hostility which alienate everyone - waiters and diners alike. I demand my human rights....

daisy mae said...

i've a question on the wine.... at the establishment i worked at, it was perfectly acceptable to bring your own wine (people generally did so if it was to celebrate an anniversary, blah blah blah) under 2 conditions: 1, there was a corking fee and 2, the house got a glass. from talking with friends at other restaurants, this is fairly common practice for those who choose to do so.... perhaps it's just an american thing?

Medbh said...

Mobile phones in restaurants kill me.
Turn.
It.
Off.

Mudflapgypsy said...

I suppose bringing in the picnic stove is a no-no?

savannah said...

it makes you wonder what the hell people are thinking or if they do anymore, sugar! the biggest deal for me is people who bring their children to restaurants and forget others are there to enjoy themselves. i mean, people teach your children some manners!!! i'll never forget the time the MITM and i walked into a japanese resto with our 4 children the eldest of whom was 11. it was one of those communal things with the chef in the middle. anyway, we could see the faces of he adults just drop! bottomline, our crew behaved and as we were all leaving, the other guests thanked us for such a pleasant evening and for having such well behaved children! xoxxo

emma said...

On three different occassions I have caught people changing their babies nappies on tables, even though we have a change table in the toilets. Worst bit is management have said we can't say anything to them. So I didn't. I even ignored them when they wanted to order. It still makes me furious.

Old Knudsen said...

I'll tell ya whats rude, yer in the middle of a ham shank and the waiter cums before yer finished and asks you if everything is ok what a bastard.

English Mum said...

Oooohhhh I'm with Savannah. It's the snotty little buggers running around while their parents pretend they don't exist. We were in a really lovely olde worlde place in Virginia with those banquette seating things and our meal was ruined by the little dwarf on the next table leaning over the top of the seat and staring at us. In the end we had to ask if they would mind terribly getting him to sit down. If your children can't behave DON'T TAKE THEM OUT!!!!

PS: Eye boogers. Ew!

Manuel said...

mj: cell, mobile call em what you will they are all very bloody annoying.....

blondie: no it's all psp's and ds's etc.....very annoying too as you cant get the buggers to eat....

martin: my reaction is to humiliate them then chuck em out.....

minnow: did 90 on my own one night......not pleasant......worth it though

witchypoo: classy......

nick: stiff upper lip, hands on knees, and all aggression should be passive.....i love a quiet night......

daisy mae: we have bring your own restaurants but if they serve alcohol then it's a no no.....

medbh: the blood worst.....especially when they try to order at the same time....

muddy: hahahahahaha well spotted....

savannah: it's says a lot when everytime we get well behaved kids in we always comment on it......it's taken as red that they are gonna be a pain.....

emma: nasty!

old k: doesn't even offer you a smoke.....

english mum: children should neither be seen nor served........

jen said...

I did see some Italians having a passionate argument in a restaurant once. It was an all-out bawling show-stopper and nearly got physical. Then, just as quick as it had started, it was over and everyone was all smiles again.

But I'm English, so it's passive-aggressive behaviour and tight smiles all the way ;-)

Manuel said...

Jen: that's the way! spirit of the blitz n all that.....

Thunder Brainstorm said...

One of my college roommates used to brush her hair in our living room and collect the lose strands of hair on a dinner plate and then set the dinner plate on the kitchen sink along with the rest of the dishes waiting to be washed.

I was always so disgusted by that! I can't stand finding hair in the kitchen (is it that freaking hard to brush your hair in the bathroom and use a trash can to dispose of the lose strands?).

Eeeew. **Shudders**

Manuel said...

thundery: eeeew eeeeew eeeeew.....I hope you shun her now......

Gypsy said...

God you're a funny bastard. Fuckity fuck....I LOVE that expression and will use it at the next available opportunity.

Dave said...

The etiquette and legality of bringing wine to a licenced restaurant varies tremendously from one place to another. In the UK I believe it's actually illegal rather than rude, which is a shame because most UK restaurants have wine lists that are pitiful.

People may think that my wanting to bring a well cellared 1990 Sauternes or Claret to a restaurant is tacky. You really think I want to drink that godawful Stowells Of Chelsea shit with a nice steak? Or a Bordeaux that's so young and tannic it'll strip the enamel from your teeth?

So yes it's tacky if the customer tries to bring some supermarket plonk that they picked up in Tesco for a couple of quid. But some of us appreciate a good wine, and if the restaurant can't provide it then it should be perfectly acceptable for the customer to bring his own and pay a reasonable corkage fee. The restaurant will actually make more money this way because if I wasn't going to drink your wine I'd just have a beer or water.

Bookstore Piet said...

Worked in a place in Atlanta that had been built as a mansion in the 1800's. In a addition to the many rooms there were a couple of enclosed porches that had room for a single two-top. One evening I opened the curtain to check on the guests and the lady was 'servicing' the gentleman.... He smiled at me and I closed the curtain....

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