Who?
Little Miss Manuel and I were enjoying last evenings jigsaw puzzle CD cataloguing having sexy fun time sat on our arses watching television eating ice cream when the subject of waiters and waiting came up. Now I should say, this doesn't happen very often at chez Manuel. Whilst I always love to hear her stories of snot nosed kids on ritalin stabbing each other with crayons and what have you she is a lot less amenable to hearing my many many thoughts on the state of the catering industry. She reads the blog and, "....that's more than enough!"
Anyway after a good ten minute diatribe from me about service and the quality of wait staff LMM had heard enough and in an attempt to put an end to my whinging snapped,
"Well just who is good enough to serve you?!"
I know she was trying to draw a line under the evenings "debate" but....
The top 4 people I'd like as my waiter
(there were meant to be 5 but I'm very fussy)
4. The entertainment option, Rodney Dangerfield. He's like a machine gun with the one liners. "I asked the bartender to make me a zombie. He says God already beat me to it!" Quality.
3. The value option, Jesus. Does some great tricks with water and can feed a whole table with a loaf of Nutty Crust and a couple of fish fingers. Comes with 12 bus boys too. Nice.
2. The revenge option, Harry Gordon Selfridge. Ol Harry G was the mofo that first coined the term, "The customer is always right." The hideous, and factually inaccurate, phrase that haunts waiters, bartenders, shop workers, and anyone who has to serve the public. I'd work him like a mule in the field. I'd own his ass by the end of my 3 hour meal. I would complain and moan and belittle. So who's right now Harry boy?
1. The vanity/pure class option, me......what you expect?
(there were meant to be 5 but I'm very fussy)
4. The entertainment option, Rodney Dangerfield. He's like a machine gun with the one liners. "I asked the bartender to make me a zombie. He says God already beat me to it!" Quality.
3. The value option, Jesus. Does some great tricks with water and can feed a whole table with a loaf of Nutty Crust and a couple of fish fingers. Comes with 12 bus boys too. Nice.
2. The revenge option, Harry Gordon Selfridge. Ol Harry G was the mofo that first coined the term, "The customer is always right." The hideous, and factually inaccurate, phrase that haunts waiters, bartenders, shop workers, and anyone who has to serve the public. I'd work him like a mule in the field. I'd own his ass by the end of my 3 hour meal. I would complain and moan and belittle. So who's right now Harry boy?
1. The vanity/pure class option, me......what you expect?
27 People trying to get Manuel's attention:
I would like to be served by the barman that Quentin Tarantino played in "Deathproof." I bet he wouldn't charge me for more than one drink all night.
medbh: bwahahahaha....I'd say not...brilliant
The Queen, under the comeuppance dept.
I think this is a trick question. We're supposed to say you, right?
Otherwise, I'm going to go with Charlize Theron simply because she's hot.
Gordon Ramsay. Then I'd yell at him, swear a lot, throw his food on the floor and then ask him to take his shirt off... but he probably would have already done that.
Jeremy Clarkson.
Not by any sarky cunting waiter with a blog, "the old fart wanted a gravy chip and some bread to mop it up with how common."
I want to be served by MJ.
Wendy Hughes.
I'm not sure why but she could tell me everything on the menu was off and I'd happily eat the floor sweepings if she served them up to me.
Oh, and please-sir-could-I-have Uma Thurman as my sommellier? A rictus inducing red would taste out of this world...
Derren Brown - just because I think he would be immensely interesting and make me believe that it was the best food I have ever let cross my lips.
Abu Hanza, with his good hand tied behind his back.
Let me see. In terms of eye-candy Claudia Schiffer or Nicole Kidman (sorry, I'm hopelessly traditional that way). Of course they'd be useless service-wise and just drop the food and drink all over me, so in terms of service, maybe Mrs Doyle or one of the Are You Being Served crowd. Ah yes, John Inman, perfect.
I really would like you to be my waiter but only if you didn't know it was me and I could see you at ease in your natural environment, preferably on a night when the pisser makes his return visit.
the waffle waitress that served bill hicks - if she doesn't tolerate readers she won't tolerate powermac toting wire-framed glasses wearing, newmeedja ballbags either - more power to her
thon one that looks like michael stipe in edward hoppers nighthawks - not because he looks like micheal stipe, but becuase i would be wearing a sharp suit and a fedora - and that'd be good
Mrs Doyle - this country doesn't do refills - which is bollix, but mrs doyle would see ye right, she'd even cut the crusts off the sandwiches
am i right in saying joe pesci used to be a waiter? if so, he'd do - he's a funny guy, i'd probably not tell him that tho - i'd have him serving food made by artie bucco - as long as artie didn't try to come out and make small talk
witchypoo: oh hell yes!
minnow: me or ms Theron, take your pick....
boxer: I was gonna say him too....
rosie: crikey...
old k: you friggen wish......
conan: awh bless....
sheepo: hey tha's my act...
cyberscribe: oooh
nick: I'm putting you down for Inman......
ellie: Ha hahahahaha i'll ring when he returns
toast: joe pesci? one of us? nice....
Knudsen: Today's special is the fish taco.
Mj: probably served with his own special sauce
Basil Fawlty. Just so I could get him to say: "yes the peas are fresh. Well, they're frozen but I can assure you they were absolutely fresh, when they were frozen."
And then smile terrifyingly at me.
Oh and PS Manuel, that post you wrote a few days ago responding to people about the whole side dishes debacle? "Karen said some things but I'm keeping those for a slow day."
MIAOW!!!!!!!!!
Remind me never to comment on here agai......
Oh right.
Andre Agassi 'cos he's be an ace server and he sounds kind of French.
Sam: You should be.
The guy with one arm from Robin's nest.
you of course!!! and the twenty half naked cheerleaders that follow you around at work everyday!!
Ribeye from The Raging Server. He sounds delightful, and when a table of crackheads is seated next to us asking for "exkra rainch", we'll get dinner AND a show!
Oh, and then there's me. I'd be great. Perky, polite, and fastidious in everything I do. Some call it OD, I call it attention to detail!
Oops! I meant OCD.
karen: I'd forgotten about that....I'll let you off for saying Basil.......wish I'd thought of him...
sam: see sheepo....
sheepo: thanks....
muddy: I'll have to ask dad..
voices: yeah right...
blondefabulous: ha! need to try harder with the OCD! Ribeye would be good....as long as he is in a good mood....
i'd like the MITM to serve me because that would mean he was here at home.
(i'm totally useless right now, sugar)
fantasy world? Hunter S. Thompson... i'd tip him with valium and scotch.
real-ish world? the upset waitress... she makes me laugh until i pee... and then she could blog about me later!
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