Tuesday, 18 March 2008

Where is my lobster eh?

You should get a medal for surviving days like St Patrick's. If not a medal then at least you be given your own body weight in booze to take home. In fact your own body weight in booze is a much better idea, it's not really fun being the only sober person in the whole city. That said, I don't even have the energy to lift so much as a sherry right now.I need to wash the green from my mind.....
fuck it
I just need to wash

There should be someone to carry my bag and help me into an air conditioned limo. A spa full of experts should be on hand to undress me, shower me, and dress me again in fluffy pj's. I should also get foot rubs, back rubs, and any other sort of rub-a-dub-dubs legally available. I should be drinking myself in to a gentle sleepy coma like state with the exclusive help of fine French wine. I should be eating steak stuffed with fois gras wrapped in lobster dusted with white truffles. A team of accountants should be calculating my tips and investing them wisely in Emu farms and off shore trusts.

But....

...but instead I am sat here stinking up the house stripped to the waist with more odors emanating from my own body than from your average landfill site. There is no gaggle of highly qualified body rubbers to smooth out my many kinks and owies. There was no air conditioned carriage, unless you count a three year old Ford Mondeo as luxury, I do not. No steak stuffed with fois gras wrapped in lobster sprinkled liberally with white truffle. No, instead there is second rate Chinese food and instead of luxurious French wine to imbibe myself with I have a can of Fanta.

But....

....the money was good. The customers were surprisingly sober, until the sun went down that is. The kitchen monkeys were more manlike and less apelike than normal. All in all it was a very sweet day. But now I get to don my surgical gloves and strip the green socks from my feet and stash them for another year. Tomorrow I'll bring you the story of the only table that made me want stab something. And by something I mean them. I don't respond well to "Yo". Yo? Yo fucking ho asshole.....

Until then I'm going to sleep.

29 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

savannah said...

sweet dreams, sugar! xoxox

daisyfae said...

trying to get a sense of just how bad it was... um, were the socks green when the day started?

Medbh said...

Oh my.
They were Americans, right?
The "yo" is a dead giveaway.
We were invited out to listen to Irish music and I said hell no.
My red hair gives people the idea that they can kiss me today.
Bleurgh.

Manuel said...

savannah: three cups of tea first then sleep....

daisyfae: yeah but now they have a special tinge.....

medbh: no they were locals....and I mean that in it;s worst sense....I'd love to see hem try n kiss you bwahahahahaha

Anonymous Boxer said...

there, there Champ, you go put those feet up and count the tips. Leave the riff-raff to me.

Native Minnow said...

How about your body weight in Red Snapper?

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

The girls' school dyed the toilet water green today. Because learning about other countries' traditions is so important.

nursemyra said...

how about green cream on your Irish coffee?

it's only ok if you don't mind cleaning up green vomit afterwards...

Mike said...

I haven't frequented your blog for a while. I love the new look around here. Happy St. Patrick's day for yesterday even if you didn't get to properly enjoy it.

sheepworrier said...

My liver hurts.

Rosie said...

you shoulda come to dublin. nothing on the menu here but guinness, by the looks of the puke spattered streets this morning.

Conan Drumm said...

Keep your feet higher than your hips for an hour, best if you have company but if not then use the furniture.

Rosie said...

*snigger*

Manuel said...

boxer: k....

minnow: not unless they are marinated in gin....

sam: well I am insulted.....pfft..hahahahaha

nursemyra: no no no no

mike: cheers mike

sheepo: and where did this happen? who did it? and what did they use:

rosie: oh I'd say it must be lovely down there this morning....

conan: but why?

rosie: why you laughing? what?

Rosie said...

i'm laughing at Conan's comment, M. i have a dirty mind.

Manuel said...

rosie: so have I but.......dirty girl, very dirty girl.....

Nick said...

I don't think many of those carefree revellers consider the long-suffering minions who're tending to their needs, laughing at their awful jokes and complimenting them on their ridiculous Oirish accessories. As they lurch unsteadily towards their beds, they don't give a thought for poor exhausted Manuel crawling laboriously back to his modest gaff. Hope you're now recovered from the onslaught!

Manuel said...

nick: Nah they care not for my throbbing feet and sore head.....but then again if I had been them neither would I.....

The Hangar Queen said...

Surrounded by the fallen you have prevailed.

They were lesser men but noble all the same and now you get to enjoy the spoils.

We actually had a decent bit of Irish grub in the canteen yesterday.Bertie was next door so they made a bit of an effort.

Manuel said...

hangar queen: if bertie was next door I would have made an attempt to hit him with something....

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Manuel said...

tv blah blah blah: be gone with spam miester......

Mudflapgypsy said...

You need to go a bit bad lieutenant I reckon.

Or maybe I do?

Manuel said...

muddy: what and get myself banned down south......crikey

sheepworrier said...

Manuel: Variously around Belfast, myself, and Guinness / JD / Carlsberg / Tequila.
Bastard.

fatmammycat said...

Yo? Yo? I'd have stabbed them.
Anybody notice how the more you drink the better you think you are at pool, and yet the worse you play?

ellie said...

You have many kinks? Care to expand on that? I'm sure I'm not the only curious one. Eh MJ?

Manuel said...

sheepo: self abuse eh.....the best

fmc: yes but when you're pished it doesn't really matter....bravo!

ellie: tut tut tut

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