Saturday, 2 February 2008

Reasons to stay inside

Jimmy Hoffa
nothing to do with me


I'm a bit of a shut in, well apart from having to go to work, going out for lunch, going out for coffee, shopping, and occasional long bike rides. But if it wasn't for all of those reasons I wouldn't go out at all. If god had meant us to go outside he wouldn't have made bedrooms so lovely and comfy and ten meg broadband connections. And after two incidents this week I'm not going out again....

As you know I went to The Spaniard on Wednesday for lunch with my sister. She comments on here under the name Crispy don't know why she chose Crispy her real name is Crunchy, odd girl, drinks a lot. Any way we had a nice lunch and after I deposited her back at the dark satanic mill that is the DHSS office that she works in I went for a quick browse about the town. I bought nothing of interest and got the bus home. I like getting the bus, it's always full of freaks and the bus driver is always a ray of fucking light and hope for humanity. I always feel a little happier when I get off the bus, happy and relieved.

But when I got home I discovered I had left my keys in the house.

BOLLOCKS....

...was one of the words I used to demonstrate my unhappiness at the predicament I found myself in.

FUCK...

...was another, in fact I may have used it more than once. As was the phrase...

....FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK ARSE

Not very Shakespearian but I'm not Shakespeare. I was pissed right off and then some. Now being locked out was annoying but not the end of the world. LMM would be finishing work shortly and she would let me in. So I wandered off for a coffee and returned about 15 minutes before LMM would arrive.

For about the past week or so a black SUV had been parked/abandoned outside my house with a flat tyre. The cops had knocked on my door the night before asking if I was the owner. Having the cops at your door at eleven at night is a bit scary bickies.

"Excuse me Sir is this your vehicle?" asked Constable TallBoy

"Nonoit'snotmineIdon'tknowwhoownsitit'sbeenhereallweekIdunnowhoownsitit's
notminethoughmaybeit'sstolendoyouknowifitisstolenit'snotminethough"

I said it just like that. I couldn't stop talking. I wasn't saying anything, I was just talking.

"Right that's okay Sir. Thank you" replied Constable TallBoy to which I replied....

"Nonoit'snotmineIdon'tknowwhoownsitit'sbeenhereallweekIdunnowhoownsitit's
notminethoughmaybeit'sstolendoyouknowifitisstolenit'snotminethough"

Which was very fucking cool I can tell you. I could see him backing away as I denied owning the car and taking part in the great train robbery and the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa and anything else that came to mind. The cops left and I stopped shaking. Cool as fuck.

Now as I stood outside the house waiting for LMM to come and let me in I could see two coppers coming up the street. I knew they were heading towards me and the dodgy SUV. Time to act cool. I wasn't gonna have a repeat of the shit attack from the night before. Again they asked me about the car and again I explained my limited knowledge of it. I also told them about being locked out and gave them both my cash card pin number all my internet passwords and told them all my deep dark secrets. No I was much cooler this time.

They said they had arranged for a pickup truck to come and collect the SUV which was a result as it was starting to get on my man tits. So there I was outside my house with two cops and a dodgy SUV with a flat tyre. We chatted as I chained smoked. But as I stood there I realised that the neighbours were peering out from behind their curtains. One even came out to spend five minutes cleaning her doorbell. Nosey bastard. People driving past were breaking their necks to see what was going on. Every last one of them putting two and two together and coming up with 5. One guy even gave me the thumbs up as he drove past as a sign of solidarity or something.

For fucks sake. Of all the days to lock myself out! They burn people out of their homes for less round here. I'm expecting a picket of angry women and ugly children to greet me over the next few days with badly spelt banners.

Good grief.

It was rather funny but just highlights the dangers of going outside.

Or maybe I should just remember my keys.

There was another incident, in a chippy this time, involving a drunk man, a middle aged woman, people looking away when they should have stepped up and me putting myself in harms way but I'll save that for another day......

21 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Phil O'Kane said...

another sunny day in good old belfast city eh.

Anonymous Boxer said...

God I love the phrase "fuckity fuck."

nursemyra said...

wow you really cave under pressure. wonder what you'd do if you saw me with my whip :-)

Mudflapgypsy said...

Rubber backbone, eh?

So THAT's why you don't want to go out................

Manuel said...

Phil O'Kane everybody! Lets hear some love for MR "Photo" himself! PHIL IT AINT EASY LIVING IN THE HOOD. Lisburn Road is the hood right?

Boxer: I have many occasions use it every day....

Nursemyra: wibble......

Flappers: ha! busted.....

ellie said...

I read about this in the Belfast Telegraph!
The headline: "Hot waiter fingered"

"One (neighbour) even came out to spend five minutes cleaning her doorbell."

Is this a euphemism?

Manuel said...

Ellie: ha! no the old bat was there rubbing away whilst looking over her shoulder......you know what i mean

Native Minnow said...

At least you didn't fess up about the bodies.

Being locked out is a hassle, but at least we have a doggy door that I can crawl through when it happens to me (it's a rather large dog).

I did once lock my keys in my car while it was running. It was about 7 a.m. on Christmas morning. Any idea how hard it is to get a locksmith to work at 7 a.m. on Christmas morning? Luckily I found one, and my kids only had to wait two hours before they could open their gifts.

MJ said...

Bollocks?

Have I been living under the mistaken impression that it's "bollix" in Ireland?

I have so much to learn.

Medbh said...

Hilarious, Manuel.

Years ago in the cinderblock castle we had a bunch of friends over to watch a big boxing match. Lots of booze and cheeba going round. The two cops came to the door to ask about our neighbor's house getting robbed. I must have sweated out 5 lbs talking to them.

bendersbetterbrother said...

Shite, so that's what happened the jeep. Have the free-wheelers picked it up yet or can I sneak round with a spare wheel and get it?

Is it just me? said...

'five minutes cleaning her doorbell'? the filthy cow!...when my neighbours are in bother I can spend up to fifty cleaning mine from sanding to buffing...seriously...repeat after me...BEFORE LEAVING HOUSE CHECK FOR KEYS!.

If i tell you I'm a cop will you immediately disclose all bank info?..just wonderin'

savannah said...

you're a brave soul, sugar...it's ok, i totally understand...i always wear sunglasses and never look up when i go out! ;)

Manuel said...

cant eat...

cant drink tea.....

cant smoke.....

I'M FUCKING SUCK!!!!

and there is no one to cover me tomorrow...don't eat out tomorrow....I'll be dribbling all day...

savannah said...

feel better soon, sugar! *hugs*

daisyfae said...

what is it about cops that drives us to become 'random characters from mars'? i get pulled over for speeding and all the sudden i'm fucking scarlett o'hara... "i'm so sorry, offisuh! was my li'l ol' car goin' 95 miles an hour in that li'l ol' school zone?"

nursemyra said...

wibble?.... hmm... I'd like to see that :-)

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

An ugly mob brandishing badly spelt banners is still a lot better than an angry mob brandishing badly bent spanners. Well do I remember the great Bad Workers Blaming Their Tools marches of 80's Inverness.

My American speller thing doesn't like spelt - it wants all "spelled" and shit. It can have spelled over my cold, dead body. Never give 'em what they want, Manuel buddy, never!

*Rolls eyes madly*

*Has old soup stains down front*

Queen Of Clean said...

Guilty conscience...pure and simple..

I recommended a Hotel for you after your question/comment and I can't be arsed repeating myself here,so you'll have to go and have a look, it's a good one so don't make a holy show of me!

dave said...

Hey Manuel, you sure you live in Belfast, Northern Ireland or Belfast, Maine?

What's an SUV?

Perhaps you should have looked under the hood, checked the trunk and siphoned off the gasoline!
;-)

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