Monday, 18 February 2008

Piss off

Picture the scene...(but don't try too hard)

Mens Room, Sunday afternoon at about 3pm. A handsome yet stout waiter meanders in to check and take advantage of the facilities. There is one other chap in there, numbers ones in the stall, with the door open.

Classy.

Hehehehe

Small willy I assume

you taking the piss out of me?

"What you doing in here?" says the punter as he turns round to find me checking the hand soap.

"Excuse me?" says the handsome yet stout waiter (that's me by the way)

"What are you doing in here, you shouldn't be in here!" says surprisingly irate punter.

"Okay...eh...whatever."

I wasn't in the mood for explaining myself. It was clear to anyone with a titer of wit what I was doing. Plus I'm not really a fan of having conversations with strange men in public bathrooms. And it wasn't as though he asked me on his way out, he was looming over me whilst zipping his fly. I just moved to pass him and carry on about my, work related not personal, business. There was no way in hell I was unzipping with this character hovering about.

"Don't you have your own staff toilets? You should be using those. It's not very hygienic what with you working with food."

He was being cocky, no pun intended, and condescending and as a result was pissing me right off, again no pun intended.

CHEEEEERIST!!!

Fantastic! It's shitty enough, no seriously I'm really not doing the toilet puns on purpose, working on a Sunday without having to deal with the super paranoid toilet police. We have to check the toilets on a half hourly basis. We check them for supplies, toilet roll, hand soap. We check that they are clean and that kids/idiots haven't stuffed 25 toilets rolls down the head or that people aren't snorting their own body weight in Columbian Marching Powder. We sign off a sheet on the wall when the job is done. Now having to explain this to a tall man with a small willy, hell any size of willy, was not how I wanted to spend my Sunday afternoon.

I have to be honest I really don't put a huge amount of effort into checking the toilets.

Toilet roll? Check

Hand soap? Check

Stalls free from coke snorting fiends? Check

Toilets still attached to walls and floor not 3 inches deep in "water"? Check

In and out in 20 seconds, unless I gotta go.

I'm a simple man with the needs of a simple man. I go work when I'm asked. I eat when I'm hungry and I God damned pee when I need to God damned pee. There is no customer, manager, law, or etiquette that's gonna stop me. And actually staff cannot be stopped from using public toilets where they work. We have full toilet privileges. And the staff toilet is not, what's the best way to put this, of this world. It's not cool, not cool at all. It's Glastonbury like at the best of times. [shudder]

Back to the paranoid toilet police. He stood for a moment and considered what I had told him. He thought on it. The cogs cranked into gear. His eyes went blank for a moment, far away almost. And then he hit me with his retort. This would be his winning come back, the line to knock me out.

"Well make sure you wash your hands before you leave."

"Yeah my mum showed me when I was four......" and followed it up sharply by muttering "small dick" and slammed the stall door shut and.....well you don't need any further information.

What is happening to the world when a handsome, yet stout waiter, can't even get a pee in peace?

22 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Gypsy said...

Don't apologise for the puns Manuel, I LOVE toilet humour. I bet that guy did have a small Wilbur and that's why he was SO defensive. What a dick...pun intended.

Bender's Better Brother said...

Perhaps he was doing a bit of George Michealing and was expecting someone else to follow him in.

And on a separate score I've solved the mystery.

Manuel said...

gypsy: silly old goat....really annoyed me

bbb: no you haven't.......[panics a little]

psychicgeek.com said...

I would be uber annoyed at someone thinking it was their place to remind me of personal hygiene.
Arsewipe!

Old Knudsen said...

He said about washing his hands? he must have been a poof yer lucky you didn't get a george michael up the bum.

Old Knudsen said...

I didn't read the second comment until I posted mine I am disgusted at the small minded stereotypying that goes on with yer commenters, I'm off for some haggis.

Anonymous Boxer said...

My money's on he was whacking off and that's why he was cranky.

Medbh said...

Ew.
Who fucking pees with the stall open?
No class.

MJ said...

Do you use quality quilty toilet rolls?

Or those papery thin kinds with no absorbency?

Twenty Major said...

What is happening to the world when a handsome, yet stout waiter, can't even get a pee in peace?

Your poor colleague.

Dave said...

Tsk, what is this world coming to with guys like that?
It's going right down the pan.

sheepworrier said...

Haha, wee pigeon-d*cked arsewipe.

Manuel said...

pgeek: I KNOW! The cheeky fucker. And it's hard to take such advice from a guy who cant shut the door after himself....

old k: rather a george than a mcmichael....

boxer: cranky? why would he be cranky? how odd....cranky or wanky? hehehehe

medbh: none what so ever...

mj: quality of course......you really are arse obsessed....


twenty: there is only one stout/handsome waiter......and you knows it baby....

dave: boom boom...

sheepo: what's with the *? you come over all christian like? knock it of you cont.....

Ms Smack said...

What a nasty prick, and I use that term lightly!

I would have spat in his soup!

MJ said...

I care about your comfort.

upset waitress said...

I guess that guy wouldn't enjoy a good game of stink finger then.

Tony said...

here's what i wonder about...why would it be more hygenic in an employees bathroom??

Karen said...

Snarf, I could almost hear that conversation! Considering some of the dives I've had the misfortune to eat 'food' in, I'd be DELIGHTED to see a staff member in the loos checking there's enough bog roll etc!

The general public eh?

I was in an Eddie Rocket's in Dublin once (I know, sue me) and someone knocked over a milkshake and the waitress was mopping it up and this oul wan started berating her for "mopping while people are eating". "It's very unhygenic and rude, you should wait until the customers leave before you mop up" she screeched at the poor girl. Tsk! It was a MILKSHAKE! All over the floor, I mean everywhere! What was the waitress supposed to do, leave it there for eight hours to go sour until the restaurant closed? In fairness to her, she just moved the oul wan to another table and continued to clean up, even managing a smile and eye-roll at the rest of us normal people. What a pro!

Again, the general public eh? THIS is why I work alone. In my room. With the door closed. And locked.

Queen Of Clean said...

The last time any of my cleaning team used a toilet that she shouldn't have used, ie a loo in a stayover lodge (yeah, I know, I'm a crap Manager) she complained of aquiring a 'rash'.. I was quite sympathetic, well, for me, and stopped laughing after two minutes instead of five.

Staff loos eh? eh? Quagmires of pee and fag butts,and you ususally have to shift the big lass from Accounts who's just been dumped, again, from the only cubicle so you can have a wee...nope, use the guests/public/Directors whatever, someone waiting with the door open and his gaydar switched on is preferable to listening to the woes of a ditched numbercruncher.

Well done fillet for not banging his head on the jonny machine (have you got one? You must have, even WE have them now!)

Manuel said...

ms smack: welcome! nasty prick is about right....

mj: awh shucks.....

upseto: one assumes not....

tony: I KNOW! I meant to hit him with that....reinforces my small willy theory

karen: welcome! old people are the best/worst...never behind the door with the advice...

quennnnie: yeah we have one in each loo..and a headache tablet thingy too....who wants tablets from the toilet? who?

INNER VOICES said...

after? i thought you were supposed to wash yer hands before you pee? keeps yer willy clean right? after?

*slams stall door, drops trousers and pees all over the seat*

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