Piss off

Picture the scene...(but don't try too hard)

Mens Room, Sunday afternoon at about 3pm. A handsome yet stout waiter meanders in to check and take advantage of the facilities. There is one other chap in there, numbers ones in the stall, with the door open.

Classy.

Hehehehe

Small willy I assume

you taking the piss out of me?

"What you doing in here?" says the punter as he turns round to find me checking the hand soap.

"Excuse me?" says the handsome yet stout waiter (that's me by the way)

"What are you doing in here, you shouldn't be in here!" says surprisingly irate punter.

"Okay...eh...whatever."

I wasn't in the mood for explaining myself. It was clear to anyone with a titer of wit what I was doing. Plus I'm not really a fan of having conversations with strange men in public bathrooms. And it wasn't as though he asked me on his way out, he was looming over me whilst zipping his fly. I just moved to pass him and carry on about my, work related not personal, business. There was no way in hell I was unzipping with this character hovering about.

"Don't you have your own staff toilets? You should be using those. It's not very hygienic what with you working with food."

He was being cocky, no pun intended, and condescending and as a result was pissing me right off, again no pun intended.

CHEEEEERIST!!!

Fantastic! It's shitty enough, no seriously I'm really not doing the toilet puns on purpose, working on a Sunday without having to deal with the super paranoid toilet police. We have to check the toilets on a half hourly basis. We check them for supplies, toilet roll, hand soap. We check that they are clean and that kids/idiots haven't stuffed 25 toilets rolls down the head or that people aren't snorting their own body weight in Columbian Marching Powder. We sign off a sheet on the wall when the job is done. Now having to explain this to a tall man with a small willy, hell any size of willy, was not how I wanted to spend my Sunday afternoon.

I have to be honest I really don't put a huge amount of effort into checking the toilets.

Toilet roll? Check

Hand soap? Check

Stalls free from coke snorting fiends? Check

Toilets still attached to walls and floor not 3 inches deep in "water"? Check

In and out in 20 seconds, unless I gotta go.

I'm a simple man with the needs of a simple man. I go work when I'm asked. I eat when I'm hungry and I God damned pee when I need to God damned pee. There is no customer, manager, law, or etiquette that's gonna stop me. And actually staff cannot be stopped from using public toilets where they work. We have full toilet privileges. And the staff toilet is not, what's the best way to put this, of this world. It's not cool, not cool at all. It's Glastonbury like at the best of times. [shudder]

Back to the paranoid toilet police. He stood for a moment and considered what I had told him. He thought on it. The cogs cranked into gear. His eyes went blank for a moment, far away almost. And then he hit me with his retort. This would be his winning come back, the line to knock me out.

"Well make sure you wash your hands before you leave."

"Yeah my mum showed me when I was four......" and followed it up sharply by muttering "small dick" and slammed the stall door shut and.....well you don't need any further information.

What is happening to the world when a handsome, yet stout waiter, can't even get a pee in peace?