Monday, 7 January 2008

Is he flirting with me or has he a bottle in his apron?

some waiters are always ready for love.....

Just because it's quiet doesn't mean that I wont write. Hell I'll make it up if I have to. But we aren't quite there. Yet. I'm going to spend this time catching up on my correspondence. For example I got an email recently from a young lady, her heart was all a flutter and her mind was awash with questions and confusion....
"Oh Manuel, my heart is all a flutter and my mind is awash with questions and confusion. You are the only person that can guide me. You appear to be worldly wise and I'm sure that you are much versed in affairs of the heart.

Manuel, I dined out last evening and had such a wonderful time. It wasn't just because the food was sublime, nor was it the company I dined with (work chums), but rather it was the dashing and ever so handsome waiter. He was French, a dashing and handsome people as you know. I was captivated by him. He moved like a ballerina but bore the physic of a Greek God. He was witty and polite and....... oh Manuel he was everything I could ask for in a man.

I flirted with him, he flirted with me. It was like an unsung duet. He was René to my Renata, Bogie to my Bacall, fish to my chips. But, but Manuel the night ended and he was no where to be seen as I left. I wanted him to gently take my hand and kiss it, whisper a sweet farewell to me, maybe, maybe ask to see me again. My chums said he was just flirting and that's what waiters do. Is that right Manuel? Is that what waiters do? Do you carelessly play with our hearts just for money? Oh Manuel tell me it isn't so? Tell me Manuel, tell me it was more than that.......And Manuel how should I have made my intentions clear to him? Will you help me Manuel, will you.......I cry myself to sleep just wondering....

Your sincerely Old Knudsen Name withheld.
I had to check it wasn't some sort of spam that had got through. Was this for real? Having contacted the young lady already I can assure you it was real. The point of the email is how can you tell if the waiter is just flirting for cash or if he is flirting for real.

The main aim for any waiter, even hottie French waiters, is cash. I know this will not come as a shock to you. I'm sure I've mentioned this a couple of times. But being able to spot if the waiter is hot for your wallet or hot for some lovin is easy when you know what you are looking for....

The WellDoneFillet Guide to Spotting Whether the Waiter is Hot for you or Hot for your Wallet
  1. Is it just you or is everyone at the table getting lots of winks and flattering comments. If it just you, then he's hot for love (HFL). If he's sharing the love around then I'm sorry but he's hot for cash (HFC).
  2. Are you the prettiest/funniest/loveliest at the table? Be honest. If you are, well done he's HFL, if not he's HFC.
  3. Is he paying you more attention than everyone else? Has he refilled your wine glass ten times whilst the others are dying from dehydration? Are his other tables walking out and he doesn't care? Phone mom and tell her you wont be home, your waiter is HFL. Prepare yourself for his bedsit though...
  4. Is he only nice to you at the table but ignores you whilst you are going to the bathroom. For example you smile at him and he pretends he didn't see you. If so, then there's no love for you tonight.
  5. Check his apron. Is there a bottle in there or is he just really glad to be serving you? If you see the sleek contour of a diet sprite bottle just forget about him.
  6. Does he come to you first when he is taking orders? Does he tell you your choices are, "fantastic" or "superb" or in anyway commend you for ordering a regular coffee? HFL for sure. If he says anything like, "yeah whatever" he may not even care about the cash anymore.
  7. Has he brought you numerous glasses of wine that you didn't ask for or did he recommend the over priced Chablis?
  8. Did he tell you 6 or 7 times that he finishes in a half hour? He's ready for love.
  9. Are the other male waiters trying to muscle in on your table? Are they making numerous unrequested visits to your table? They are checking you out. He has been talking whilst you have been eating.
  10. Does he slip you a little note from his order pad with his number on it? BINGO! DING DING DING! JACKPOT!
And if you want to meet him just leave him your number on a napkin on the table. If he likes you he'll call......

.....but don't forget to tip him, cash is still his first love.

18 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Good advice, Manuel.
Did you ever hand over your digits or make a pass at a guest?

I never did. The guests were always suspect to me or somehow off limits.

Gypsy said...

And what about if they spill a drink in your lap? Are they just clumsy or do they want an excuse to "touch you" inappropriately by dabbing at your crotch with a tea towel? Just askin in case.....

Eddie Waring said...

11. Did you find a pubic hair in your soup?

psychicgeek.com said...

It's also a good indication if a patron is lacking in the tip department, they will be lacking in the kip department.

MJ said...

I was the recipient of #10 BINGO! DING DING DING! JACKPOT!

But having read this, I'm peeved that I didn't get numerous free glasses of wine along with it.

Rosie said...

cheeky bastard!

conortje said...

I have always been warned against love with waiters or bar staff - I've almost always followed this advice :-)

sheepworrier said...

Apron-wearing hoors!

I'd say just go for barmen - they're much easier to read - Is he ignoring the rest of the packed bar and threats of physical violence from the male customers to swagger over to you and recommend the 'sex on the beach'? Then hes HFL, or you're wearing a very low-cut top.

bendersbetterbrother said...

If flirting with the waiter got better service and the you could be sure the waiter would flirt with the chef to get better food then I'm all for it. It doesn't work like that I suppose.

Yesterday, Apartment, tipped £3.00 on £22.35. No flirting either way.

upset waitress said...

12.)If the waiter does a lap dance, he's hot for your money.

ellie said...

So how much of a tip is required to turn a HFC into a HFL? Just asking ....

Native Minnow said...

Does this same list apply to waitresses, or only waiters? Just wondering, because as it turns out, I'm not interested in HFL waiters. No offense.

Native Minnow said...

Or what about strippers? Are they after me, or my wallet? Wait, don't answer that.

belfast plate carrier said...

I think I might have mentioned this elsewhere but if your hot enough for waiter love to leave your number on your napkin then leave your name too.
"EMM Hi is that the blonde with the fringe who had seabass? I served you earlier on this evening. I am clocked out and ready to do you now..."

Vicky Rogers said...

hi there

Would just like to say that its my first time reading your blog and its really good keep up the good work and the funny storys acoming.

Manuel said...

welcome vicky.....thanks for that...keep coming back!

sassysundry said...

So . . . details. How many times have you been HFL, and did it work?

I had a fun evening with a waiter once. But I just had an even better time with a brilliant French guy.

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