Friday, 21 December 2007

My well of patience is running dry...

I said, "who's having the fucking turkey and fucking ham?"

...and someone is gonna get smacked real fucking hard. I'm pretty much at the end of my tether folks. Today was a tough one. It wasn't that it was super busy, it's just that I'm tired. The Princess is tired. The two waiters known lovingly as "the chops" are tired. And when you have four tired waiters you get bumping and banging and knocking into each other. In normal times this is hardly noticed, but during the final death throws of Christmas every little bump is taken personally. Every time someone pushes in front of you to get to the coffee machine it's an insult. If someone causes you even a moments delay you get angry and sweary.

The Princess and I were like this most of the day right from when I arrived. Every remark was taken personally even simple things like,

"Is table 10 set?"

"Of course table fucking ten is set. What the fuck? Why wouldn't I have set table ten?"

And on it continued.

"Do you want a hand with those coffees?"

"I can get my own coffee....." followed up with some muttering under breath which was muttered loud enough for the other person to hear that something was muttered but not loud enough to hear what was actually muttered. Which of course lead to more muttering and swearing.

This was not one of our finest days.

The customers got to share in our lively floor show too.

"And Manuel has your jug of milk." said The Princess as we served a table their coffees.

"No I don't."

"No sorry madam, Manuel hasn't got your jug of milk." She shot me a nasty little huffy look.

"You never asked Manuel to bring a jug of milk." I replied.

" Didn't I? Well we are serving coffee. The ladies probably would like some milk for their coffee."

"Well I'll get them some shall I? You take a little break then."

"Oh don't worry I'll get the milk. You will probably forget."

All this was carried out at the table whilst we served the coffee. Fawlty Towers wouldn't have a look in. And the customers seemed more retarded and stupider than normal today. Or maybe it's just that my tolerance has finally run out.

"And who is having the Turkey & Ham?"

Now that seems like a fairly straight forward question. If you are having the turkey and ham all you need to do is indicate to the waiter holding three fucking scalding hot plates that you are having turkey and fucking ham. I don't want to hear,

"I'm having salmon."

Salmon? Who mentioned salmon? I didn't mention salmon. Did I say I had salmon? NO I FUCKING DIDN'T. Now who is having the fucking turkey and fucking ham?

And then you get the morons who cant remember what they ordered. Jesus wept. How fucking difficult is it to remember what you ordered? How can you forget? I wanna smash the fucking plates on their tiny stupid forgetful heads. They'd remember that.

No it would be fair to say today wasn't fun. And if I'm being honest I probably wasn't being all I can be either. None of us were. But today is the last big day of Christmas service. The mood will be much more jovial tomorrow. The general theme will be, "Fuck it, it's the last day." Saying that we have about a hundred booked for Saturday. Wouldn't want to be them. Not one waiter will care by then. Last day of school sort of attitude by then. I may not even wash properly.....

There were two moments of amusement though. The first being a new record for the restaurant when a table of 19 from the CSA managed to down four courses in a whopping 1 hour and fifteen minutes. That's what I call eating. Bravo. I think their minds were more set on drinking than eating. And when asked by the table of 15 deaf mutes to take a photo for them I naturally agreed. I got them all lined up and looking great. Just before I pushed the shutter I shouted, "Say Merry Christmas" to which there was no response. So I said it again. Then I remembered........good grief......how dumb did I feel. But at least I went home with a smile on my face.......

Fourteen hours to go.....then it's all over for another year........victory is almost mine!

24 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Upset Waitress said...

You said "fuck" 13 times. I don't see why you are so angry!

Manuel said...

fuckity fuck fuck fuck.......I was trying for 20.......

Gypsy said...

Is it wrong that I was pissing myself laughing all the way through this post....LMFAO. I will say FUCK too just so I don't feel left out ;)

Manuel said...

gypsy: this is a fuck friendly place.......i wouldn't share my pain if you weren't gonna laugh a little.....

ellie said...

Fuck .. that was funny. It sounds almost as bad as marriage, you know that snarl while you say something polite?
I do it so well!

Manuel said...

ellie: not the first time someone has said that about her and i........very tempestuous at times....

Anonymous Boxer said...

Medbh taught me that word this week and I love it; Fuckity Fuck.

Hang in there M, the finish line is in the near distance.. you can make it....just a few more idiotic customers and you will be free to spend your hard earned tips and free time with the Missy.

Manuel said...

Boxer: Fourteen precious hours......and Saturday.......and then.......then it's me time

MJ said...

Yer all fucking mad fer fuck's sake.

bendersbetterbrother said...

Look, I just couldn't read what you said but I understand what you were going to say.
I've escaped an unholy mess tonight, nirvana in Christmas dinner terms. Tiger Lily for the Googlers.

ayeee/is it bcaos i is black

Old Knudsen said...

4 wedding and a funeral,I believe Huge Grant said fuck fuck Fuckity Fuck.

How can deaf mutes order at a restaurant? I think yer lying anyway in belfast they don't let that sort of person in to public places.

red said...

Oh God, the memories are flooding back. You at least are a professional, I waitressed my way through college and hadn't a clue what I was doing. I could've done with a blog like yours at the time. Christmases were always torturous, I'm sitting here cringing at the memory...eeekk.

Ali said...

Ya gotta love days like that. :) Thank George it's over and I hope the next one goes better for you.

dave said...

Ha ha! A guy at work described his broken computer disk to me...
This fucker's fucking fucked!

Happy Winter Solstace.

yoyo said...

It's something about christmas that makes customers just...so very sheep like.
Then you get the cunts who see the size of the mini christmas pudding they ordered, and say "I DIDNT ORDER THAT!" when they obviously did.
It's people like that that forced us in the kitchen to make photocopies of the customers pre-orders.
"Right, your name is Mavis,yes? And that's your signature,yes?And your handwriting,yes again! And oh look, by your name, your dessert clearly says Christmas pud! NOW SHUT UP AND EAT IT OR I WILL KILL YOU."




:)

Medbh said...

Manuel, I felt a twinge of guilt while laughing at your pain. You and Princess sound like my relationship with a waiter named Dan. We would call each other "Dearest" and be amazingly polite when we were exhausted and pissed.
Hope your pockets are bulging with cash again.

sheepworrier said...

Oh the joyous wonders of office work - im off early and wont be near anything more technical than a beer pump till after xmas, so Happy Christmas Manuel and have a great break.

*runs off merrily skipping to the pub*

nick said...

No wonder you're knackered Manuel, when every office in Belfast has to have the obligatory Christmas four course lunch/dinner and they all descend on innocent fooderies like your own in their hundreds, forget what they ordered and steal all the silverware. I think I'll start the tradition of the festive Christmas sandwich, that'll lighten the load a bit. Then you'll just get the normal diners ordering normal meals and behaving normally (well, not too fucking crazily anyway).

Anonymous said...

Manuel,

Deaf people are just deaf. Mute implies an inability to communicate and that is something they are very able to do.

This information is brought to you by the PC Police.

Mudflapgypsy said...

Fuckity fuck McFuck !

Mr. DNA said...

I ordered the salmon too.

Manuel said...

Mj: Some are madder than others......

bbb: awh benders on a bender....

old k: you see that story....bastards...

red: there, there....let it all out...

ali: welcome...thanks...

dave: same to you and all the little people in lisburn...

yoyo: you sure you don't work with me...uncanny....

medbh: cash wise it's been the best xmas yet....

sheepo: bastardo

nick:normal?

anonymous: i wondered about that....but that's how they introduced themselves and it's what they booked under...the ni deaf mute assoc. but i'll know for again....thanks

muddy: well said....

mr dna: no you didn't......turkey man

fatmammycat said...

Nearly there darling. Nearly there.

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