It's the way I tell 'em...

that's a cracker...

You have to wonder why some companies bother to go out for Christmas dinner. Some people can barely make eye contact let alone speak to each other. The atmosphere around the perfectly set table (what else would you expect) can range from indifference all the way down to outright hostility. There are the usual cliques that don't like the other little cliques and so on. Now this wouldn't be a problem if the boss wasn't there, but the boss is there so they have to pretend to get along. Or at the very least try not to stab, verbally or actually, each other before the boss excuses themselves and beats a hasty retreat. So most choose to say nothing rather than have to fake it for a couple of hours.

I can't be having that. A dull table makes for a dull night. A dull night makes for an unhappy waiter. An unhappy waiter makes for a grumpy waiter. A grumpy waiter....well you get the point. What these customers need is something else to focus on, something other than the office politics to deal with. That's when I step in. Not being one to hide behind his apron I like to get in there and mix things up a bit. Sometimes I just need to light the fuse, to break the deadlock if you will and they do the rest themselves. Sometimes I have to tell all the jokes, laugh at them and tip myself.....

I have a few one liners that work a treat, for example if an older lady asks for some wine I will ask her for ID. That always gets a giggle and endears me to the ladies at the table. It has to be a one liner. Whilst I would love to regale my guests with amusing and long winded anecdotes about this and that I haven't the time and frankly they would get bored. Short and sharp is the key. I like to say things that they just don't expect. If someone asks for a glass of water I will say, "No", they are shocked for a second then they laugh. You can get away with this if you have confidence and a cheeky smile. And you need to know which tables can take a joke and which cant. A lesson one of my colleagues learnt at the weekend....

I do this thing when I leave down an obviously large bowl of fries or potatoes or anything that is clearly for sharing. I turn to the person closest to the bowl and say, " Now sir, those are for sharing." It gets a big laugh every time, never failed yet. I can hear the table bantering at the fall guy for my simple cheeky joke as I walk away. Well The Princess tried it on Friday night. She set a bowl of potatoes between two ladies and said, "Now ladies those are for sharing."

There was no laughing.

There was no bantering round the table.

There WAS A stunned silence, a reddening of cheeks, and looks of puzzlement.

Then one of the ladies spoke up to say, "Is she calling me fat? What the ....."

Crikey....It took me ages to get all the tumbleweed from the restaurant. I hadn't seen a joke bomb so bad since "I pronounce you Chuck and Larry" (the fucking worst film ever made). The Princess died a little after that. Confidence all shattered. Afraid to go back to the table, she never quite recovered. Neither did her table.

I've had jokes go bad too, like the time I asked the table of 8 60-something women where the men were that night only to discover it was a widows group, ouch, free wine ladies? But I recovered that situation with lots of over the top compliments and practically pimping myself. But the main thing is that The Princess learnt a very valuable lesson.... get your own material.....

I'm sure Bill Hicks would have said the same thing to Denis Leary