It's over

another Christmas season draws to an end with Manuel asking
"Who will rub my feet, who?"

I have to say, without fear of contradiction, this was the best Christmas I have worked yet. Better than last year, and it was a gem too. The year before that was not gem like at all. It was hell in a Santa suit. But this year was just great. I define a great Christmas at work as being one that is financially rewarding, one that leaves me with few physical scars, no new mental scars, and when all the guests had a great time. Oh and that's in order of importance to me. But what was also very pleasing for me was that I managed to continue churning out posts on here despite being sore, tired, sweaty, hungry and quite often barely able to find the strength to switch the bloody mac on when I got home. It's quantity that counts folks, not quality, quantity. Just ask Old Knudsen.

Saying that I still think the most ball busting season of the year deserves one more final posting before i can put it out of my mind for another 3 months, when planning for December 08 begins. So here is the WellDoneFillet review of Christmas in a handy section I call...

The WellDoneFillet Christmas Review

The Numbers

The number of Christmas Criers I had to endure/laugh at was 5 and that's a marked reduction on last years cry-fest. This years Christmas Criers were as a result of too much to drink and the emotion of the season and because the "men" at one table made jokes about one of their work colleagues large breasts. Nice one guys, you made someone cry, feeling good? What next candy from a baby? Kick a dog? I didn't laugh at that crier.

Mentalists were thin on the ground this year too. There must be a link between criers and mentalists. There were only 2 proper mentalists on show this year, this dick that I wrote about earlier who made his girlfriend cry and the lady who showed up ten minutes before her party was due to get moved on and demanded we serve her the salmon she had ordered. We did indeed serve her the requested salmon, under protest it should be added, which she then spilt her glass of coke all over. That made my night.

The number of members of parliament booked for Christmas dinner was 6. The number that turned up was zero. Despite the great and the good from the Northern Ireland Assembly being booked for dinner, despite being sworn to secrecy, and despite laughable security checks none of the bastards showed up! I was left with a table of mid ranking civil servants, they were very nice people and a joy to serve but I had a host of one liners prepared and a greeting to welcome then in both Irish and Ulster Scots. It all appeared to be Ian Paisley Jnr's fault. His empty seat was photographed by most of the guests and sent via text message to him. Huh that'll teach him....(I think I may have over egged this story earlier)

The number of members of staff who have resigned during December is currently 3. I say currently as I know of at least 1 more that is planned and New Years Eve always tests the reliability and resolve of the weak. It's hard to do at the best of times but if your hearts not in it....The Princess resigned too. She's moving on to a "proper" job. The waiter known as Crazy Paving has also resigned. She was a great waiter, and I'm going to miss working with her and The Princess. Emo Bar girl also jacked it in saying she wanted a normal life. Stop being Emo then. She brought her own special uniqueness to the job. Sometimes she was fun, well maybe fun is abut strong, but mostly she was just very very Emo. Customer - "Hello can I have a pint of beer please?" Emo Bar Girl - "Yeah but what's the point? What about me?" I'll miss them all. Fucking young ones these days with their ambition! None of that in my day.

And the best number of all? £2120.00 or there abouts. Loverly Jubberly.....but shhhhh don't tell the taxman......

Awards

The Waiters Dream Table Award goes to the good people from the CSA who managed to inhale their 4 courses in an almost unbelievable 75 minutes. Never before have the rules of EAT PAY TIP LEAVE been so well adhered to. There will always be a table ready for you guys.

The Ebenezer Scrooge Award is normally a hotly contested award with many tables vying for this accolade. But this year I had only two tables to choose from. In the end it wasn't this lovely table up for a night in the big city from one of our hick redneck provincial towns. Instead it was Saturday night's table who were also from the bible belt heartland of Ulster. I swear to God getting money out of these people is harder than convincing them we are all descended from monkeys. They want to barter with you about the price and tell you about their local that serves twice as much food for half the price. Well fuck off back their and stay there. Once they remembered that they didn't have to pay the service charge that was it. They took up a half arsed collection in a wine glass that was more insulting than a tip. God apparently works in mysterious ways, but Manuel's ways are stranger still and they should by now be suffering a karmic reaction.....

Award for Chef of the Season goes to "Spud". He was a walking disaster zone. When he was sent to the shop to get much needed bread he came back with McDonalds. When he threw a big huff and walked out he ended up walking back in again 3 minutes later, leading to accusations that he couldn't even do that right. And he nearly killed himself on Friday when he managed to throw the kettle of soup all over himself. Genius.....

Customer comment of the month award is shared between the lady who complained, "There's no chicken in the Caesar Salad." (The Caesar Salad doesn't come with chicken, d'uh) and the lady who assured me she was having the Chocolate Cake for dessert when there was no chocolate cake on the menu. Even when I brought her the menu she still insisted that it was there and that I, "must have switched the menu." Jesus wept....

The Timex Award for Timekeeping goes to an accountancy firm. They were late by 8 whole days. Despite paying a deposit with the time and date marked on it, despite being phoned the day before, despite ordering in advance, they still managed to get the whole thing wrong. Tremendous. Not sure if that is better or worse than last year award winners, a local school. They were booked for the 5pm to 7pm sitting. They arrived at.......6.55pm as they thought they were booked for 5 to 7. D'oh.......

There were other things.....other stories.....other comments made....other wrongs committed but this christmas was great. The kitchen boys were great, the management didn't let us down, the guests for the most part were fun, on time, and generous. And everybody had a good time and after all that's what it's all about......no it's not, it's about the cash and it was simply superb.

Thanks to....
The Princess
The Chops
Crazy Paving
Psycho
The Original Psycho
The Glorious Leader
and The Cooker Jockey's Upstairs

Lets do it again sometime........