The Night Before the Waiters Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the house(restaurant);

Not a creature(waiter) was stirring, not even a mouse
(Environmental health policies being what they are the mouse was in fact dead)

The stockings (tip jar) were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas (Rich American tourist) soon would be there;

The children (young waiters) were nestled all snug in their beds (drunk and alone save for a bottle of Bombay Spice),
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads
(sugar plums is the name of the nice young lady from the lap dancing club);

And mamma (LMM) in her 'kerchief (page 37 of the Victoria Secrets catalogue,wink), and I in my cap (leopard print thong),
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap (nap? I don't think so),

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.(next doors cat or a drunk chef?)

Away to the window I flew like a flash (flash being the best word as the leopard print thong had been discarded some time ago),
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
(Old Knudsen's)
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
(actually it was dirty students lost on their way home from the Bot)

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
("here boyos lets pish on that there wall")

"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
(Sean, Seamie, Ger, PJ, Cahal, Dermie, Marty, and Big Francie)

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
(the dirty red neck students with bags of buckfast and
mad dog 20/20 tried to climb onto my roof)

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.(dancing and singing the Fairy Tale of New York the bastards were!)

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas (Seamie) came with a bound.
(and a bottle of buckie)

He was dressed all in fur (Tyrone GAA Top and tinsel), from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, (presents for his sister, Assumpta's, kids)
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack
(he looked like a dirty drunk student!)

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
(he was pished and couldn't focus properly and looked like a right dick)

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow; (coke)

The stump of a (crack) pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
(hallucinating on a combination of coke, crack and Buckfast
Seamie was seeing what he thought was Peter Griffin from Family Guy)

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
(no he wasn't, he was a skinny little get)

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
(well how often do coked up students fall down your chimney?)

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
("alright der big lad? Jaysus I'm fucking steaming hey")

He spoke not a(nother) word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
(he had little Seamie out and was trying to pee!)

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
(trapped coke I assume)

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
(well he tried but I showed him the door)

He sprang to his sleigh (awaiting taxi), to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
(Jaysus lads did ye see me in that there house?)

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
(yelling out the window of the Ford Mondeo)

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."
Which was nice.....

Merry Christmas to everyone from Manuel
(and remember a waiter is for life not just for Christmas)