Monday, 5 November 2007

When Leopards attack

I r in ur wittle mac, not working, sleeping
(This post contains swearing, lots of fucking swearing.......awh all is back to normal again)

The last 20 hours have been the absolute worst. In the middle of all the birthday fun I decided to go ahead and install Leopard on my Mac Mini. What could go wrong?

iWaited, iWaited, iWaited, iWaited and iWaited some more.(Yes I'm going to to that for the rest of the post. So get iUsed to it) I am a professional waiter so this was no real problem. But 2 hours in and after no real sign of progress iChecked the "instruction manual" ha! What a crock of iShit that is. And as yet I hadn't seen any of the options listed on page 2. Something was amiss. Something, very not fucking good, was amiss. iSwore but decided to restart the process all over again. I did this thrice more. iSwore again, iKicked the computer desk causing fruit to fall. So I peeled a banana and considered my options. I am not a patient person, I was at the very edge of reason at this point. I found myself hovering above the mini with my fist clenched.

Don't you just fucking hate it when new stuff doesn't work? At 4.42am I set the process in motion again and went to sleep. WELL I TRIED TO GO TO SLEEP! But there was a tiny, but very fucking loud, carnival band/drum and bass DJ collective playing inside the mac mini. Ironically I think it was the relentless whirring of the drive that finally sent me off to dream world where everything works first go. I woke again just before 7am. Now this is not Manuel's natural "action" time but I sprung into life and checked the mac for any sign of Leopardish activity. There was none. You have to be fucking kidding me.

After I got over this setback and early morning coughing (don't smoke kids, it ain't cool) I thought it was time to give the good people at Applecare a call. What the sweet baby Jesus in the manger do you mean it's "outside of business hours"? It's half fucking seven, get the fuck up out of your iBed's and answer the fucking phone, i or regular.

I tried the install again, telling myself that this was the last time. God bless the wee mac, it really did try harder this time and we got a little further. Well what we got was the dreaded "Stop doing this, it isn't gonna work, you dick" message, well words to that effect. iSwore again. Right "fuck it" I thought lets fuck it off as bad job and just go back and play with Panther again. And that's when the iTears started.

Leopard didn't want to leave the carnival band in the drive. You iFuck, iBastard, iCunt, get the fuck out!!!! I threw an iTantrum of the worst sort. I was smoking at a rate of knots. One pointless call to Applecare later and I was in iTears. The chap informed me that Leopard wouldn't work on my wee mac as I didn't have enough RAM. Well d'uh I figured that out hours ago when I decided to read the instructions properly. He gave me some advice on how to get my disc out which didn't work. At this point I gave up and switched the computer off.

I made a fry up. I washed the dishes. I cleaned the bathroom. I tidied the sitting room. I cried a little more. I changed the flat tyre on my bike. I read todays Guardian. I changed the plug on a lamp. None of these things would have happened, with the exception of breakfast, if I hadn't been iFucked by Leopard. I phoned my sister and LMM looking for sympathy. Actually, if I'm being honest, I was looking for one/both of them to offer me the cash to get a new Mac. I got sympathy, which was nice. But sympathy doesn't put sexy white goods on the dinner table does it?

I was resigned to having to exist in a Mac free world. Fantastic, if rather impractical, plans were put in place for keeping WellDoneFillet alive during the Mac Fast. I huffed, puffed, and sorted out financing possibilities in my mind. Then I said "fuck it" and decided to give it another go. And iPresto it worked. Leopard removed. Panther reinstalled. Okay everything is gone, from photos to blog stuff to various applications and utilities. My external drive is filled with music, episodes of Curb, Family Guy, Frasier, and the entire Friends collection (wtf?)

So what have I learnt from all this? Back up isn't just for important types it's for lazy shites like me too. Reading instructions doesn't make you less of a man. Being impulsive does make me cute but did cost me £85 which I wont get back, so stop it.

What a waste of a day. This blog's got very whinny of late, well more whinny than normal. Back to work tomorrow, that's bound to make things better again......

29 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Lo Siento, Manuel.
At least you tried some new technology which I shy away from.
But a shitty waste of your birthday.

Enda P said...

Sympathies. There are two types of people in the world: those who make backups and those who haven't yet lost all their stuff randomly.

I too had my Leopard moment last week. Popped it on the laptop (what could go wrong?). Installation failed. Left with nowt happening. Panicked, went to Apple support forums online who were ablaze with stuff about the installation process. Tried an 'Archive and Install" (always, always, always a good idea) and that did the trick.

Now I have Time Machine so backups will at last be a) comprehensible and b) easy.

New sexy iMac for the waiter, no?

:)

Manuel said...

Medbh: Oh and I have the cold......God 35 isn't turning out like I hoped.

Enda P: New iMac has been bookmarked, clocked and locked......oh it's happening..

Curly K said...

Oh, Manuel, bless (mental note to self - get fat arse out and buy back up drive and use!). Hate when computers and more importantly softwares does that - ouch!

Love your stories - great writing style!

Mudflapgypsy said...

OUCH!
RTFM daddio.

Now your mental torture is over, wtf you think you need a new OS for anyway,huh?

Nevernevernever get it when it first comes out. Wait until all the other people have it and bitch and whine about the glitches and the bugs and then the big company who writes the damn thing start fixing it so a person can actually use it. Pauses for a breath.

Take Vista...-please!_ I won't have it about me until it is fixed , if ever. At the moment I think it is really slow and tries to second guess way too much. Mrs M has it.

From what I have read, Leopard defaults to no firewall functions, gee ain't that clever?

I have had to deal with no backups twice...you'd think I'd learn.
Well, I did learn something. I learnt how to interrogate a fucked install of xp and rescue all my files before I could do a fresh install.
It's not all negative, Manny.

You are getting a new mac. :-)

Manuel said...

Curly K: Why thank you. Swearing and ranting come easy to me, wasn't breast fed as a child....

Muddy: The new iMac shall be mine, oh yes she shall be mine....

Ribeye of your Dreams said...

Ya know, Manuel, I had sympathy for your plight...I too have lost everything, not to the Lions of Voltron or whatever the Mac is currently using, but to windows. I had sympathy for losing your photos and such, and then I saw the Friends collection.....

No more needs be said...

Ribeye of your Dreams said...

Oh yes, something I forgot in the last post...
Happy Birthday!!!!!

yoyo said...

When I took my iMac appart it was revealed the thing was held together with glue, selotape and cable ties. I shit thee not.

Apparently you arent meant to take macs apart. They dont like it. They rebel and refuse to go back together again.


*fondles PC*

Toast said...

i'm gonna go mac soon i reckon... - my machines are XP with the exception of a rarely used ubuntu desktop -but there is no way in hell that vista is getting into this house unless on a works laptop. I figure i need my laptop to:
- Play and Rip DVDs
- Play music
- surf the electroweb
- most importantly Photoshop

But one thing concerns me... are there as many resources out there for errr... y'know.. not paying for software and stuff?

Anonymous Boxer said...

My warranty went out when I turned 35, also.

Guess what? No I won't tell you it's all down hill from here, because that would put an already stressed man possibly to the brink of depression...ooh, sorry. Where was I?

Cheer up?

Manuel said...

Ribeye: Welcome fellow waiter. Eh they are my girlfriends? That work? Cheers...

Yoyo: Once you go Mac you don't go back....

Toast: I'll can get you a mac mini if you want. £1500 one "careful" owner, only used on Sundays. In answer to your other question, yes, yes there is......

Boxer: Never been a fan of the 5th of November. It's a mother thing.....

savannah said...

wow, sugar...just a note for next year: never, never , never do anything remotely technological on your birthday...you must always be silly and enjoy a fun filled day.

*hugs* glad everything is back in working order!

Manuel said...

Savannah: Noted.......

bendersbetterbrother said...

Software, it's all fucked up, doesn't matter which OS, they all have their problems.
Four in the morning though, what are you like?

And happy birthday. Now get LMM to get you up the wheel in the blacked out VIP bubble. You know you want to.

MJ said...

Our Canadian dollar (the Loonie) is at an all-time record high.

I can send you one if it'll stop your whining.

KMF said...

nice post

sheepworrier said...

Not a clue what your chattin about, but sweariness amuses me so im not overly bothered.

Happy belated b'day, ye hoor ye.

Manuel said...

BBB: Thought you would have been pushing ubbbuutu or what ever it's called. As for the eye, NEVER!

MJ: Today is a whinny free day......sort of..

KMF: Ta ta

Sheepo: Thanks a lot you fucking fuck fuck...

dave said...

I've lost count of the number of PC's I've fixed where the owner hasn't done a back-up.
People! Listen up!
Your hard disk will fail. End of.
It's not a question of 'if', but 'when'. So back up your precious feckin photos/songs/porn/whatever.

Anyway, Manuel, what you need is a nice shiny new overpriced laptop bought from a helpful advisor at PC world with Vista installed, then get talked in to taking out a warranty for only £900 for 2 years.

Manuel said...

Dave: PC World, that's were the mini came from, and the Leopard that try to kill it....is that were you spend your days? I was there on Sunday....

Upset Waitress said...

Vista is sooooooo slow. Doesn't it take 4G's to even run it? I say stick w/ mac Manuel. Get yerself a nice Power Book. It has everything accept a penis.

dave said...

Ha ha! Do I spend my days in PC World?
If I ever go within 100ft of PC world, you have permission to cut my balls off with a wooden spoon.

Nope, I'd rather have my PC fixed by McDonalds staff to be honest.
Would you like a big Mac?

*sorry for that*

Manuel said...

Upset Waitress: It's the iMac for me.....all donations gratefully accepted...

Dave: Shite, was hoping for discount...but you are so very right. Good at selling boxes but that's it.....

INNER VOICES said...

hahahaha had an imacattack... where the hell is knudsen? he will be ripping one out here soon i suppose. good luck with the iproblems.

Manuel said...

iFixed it with no help from Steve Jobs I should add.....

Anonymous said...

http://fastfude.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=22202&sid=d832a1e0af99344b0b2d7a1e169a01c0

apparently Apple are opening an Apple Store in the new Victoria Sq.

Manuel said...

Get fucking in........but then everybody will have one....what's the point of having an Apple if you cant be smug and look down your nose at pc users.....arse......

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