Wednesday, 21 November 2007

The WellDoneFillet Guide to Surviving The Office Christmas Party Part II

Behind every Mike in HR lies a true
Christmas Mentalist


So we all know the joy that is the Christmas Crier, the bag of cats that is the Christmas Mentalist, the ball licking sycophant and the Christmas lothario who wants to do more than kiss under the mistletoe. There is nothing I can do to stop Christmas Party goers from doing a Jekyll and Hyde personality swap before the soup goes cold. But if you follow the WellDoneFillet Guide to Surviving The Office Christmas Party you should manage not to get your head caved in by the mentalist, spend 3 hours in the toilet rubbing the criers back, avoid getting shagged by the married rat and not get a written warning from the job worth. It's all in a handy cut and keep section I call,

The WellDoneFillet Guide to Surviving The Office Christmas Party
(Catchy eh)

Let's start with the CHRISTMAS MENTALIST. The mentalist is the person most likely to put you in hospital. Whilst annoying, the Christmas Crier wont stab you in the eye with a dessert fork or subject you to a spit filled tirade of abuse. The mentalist needs to be avoided at all costs. Spotting the mentalist is the key to your survival. As you sit at your table waiting for the waiter to bring you your Campari and Soda take a moment to look around the table. Don't stop to admire the lovely dresses and new ties look for the person with the 1000 yard stare. They wont look obvious at at first but look beyond the party hat. The Christmas Mentalist wont be talking to anyone but will probably be jittery, will spend about five minutes polishing their cutlery, and wont have taken their coat off despite having been in the restaurant for 45 minutes. That's your guy. Stay away from them. Make no eye contact. Do not buy them a drink, it's like feeding a gremlin after midnight, don't do it. Don't engage them in conversation, but should you find yourself in a situation were you have to talk to them keep it brief and general. Don't bring up any issues that are likely to set them off, for example promotions that they missed, in fact stay off all work related stuff. Stick to topics such as the weather, who will get the Christmas number one, and if they like "It's a Wonderful Life". The Mentalist is at their most threatening when they are on the move, much like hippos. Know where the mentalist is at all times and be somewhere else. And when the mentalist finally flips and the red crazy mist descends it's always good to have someone between you and the crazy person chucking the knives, preferably a new person so you don't feel too bad when they get split like a Twix bar. Avoid the mentalist at all costs. But you might want to bring some band aids with you just in case.

The CHRISTMAS CRIER can ruin your night, ruin it not with dessert forks or threats of physical violence but with tears and napkins and cry's of "No one loves me." Oh it's bad so very very bad, and sad. But how do you spot the Christmas Crier? Who's the one that you are going to spend the night in the toilet with? Identifying the Christmas Crier is so much easier than the Christmas Mentalist. They will have a track record of crying in public, most likely at your last staff outing and around any holidays of significance. You need to know these things before you sit down. Because once you sit beside the Christmas Crier you are stuck with them for the rest of the night. They will glue themselves to you like a limpet. Escape is futile and when they inevitably do break down you will be expected to go to the toilet with them and sit there for hours and rub their back and tell them everything is okay. The Christmas Crier is going to cry, you can't stop it. But you can delay it. Keep their alcohol consumption to the minimum, dilute their wine/vodka with water. Encourage them to drink lots of water. Avoid all conversations about relationships, family, pets, weight issues, and what's happening in the soaps. If anyone around you and the cry baby starts a conversation regarding these issues you need to jump in fast and change track quickly. Stick to dull matters such as cars, wallpaper, mobile phones and Adam Sandler movies. If you have avoided the Christmas Crier well done, now stay away. But if you have the Christmas Crier in their pre-Crying state you need to get rid of them and quick because like I already said they are going to lose it at some point. The best way is to attach and run. Move with the Christmas Crier to a another group of co-workers, start a conversation about relationships (that's the attach) and then make your excuses and run, run Forest run, and don't look back......

The CHRISTMAS HUMPER & THE CHRISTMAS DRUNK are quite often one in the same person. And like the Christmas Crier they will have form for both crimes. Think, who got drunk at the charity lunch quiz? Who smells of drink at 9 in the morning every morning? What happens when you get two drunks together? You get drunks humping. Look round the room for the guys and gals with their arm around the person beside them within five minutes of arrival. When the boss orders wine they will be the person that calls the waiter over and doubles it. They also arrived there an hour before everyone else. With their inhibitions lowered and senses dulled thanks to tequila and rum the Christmas Drunk starts putting the moves on. They start high but after ten rejections they will hump the bus boy or even you. You need to be strong and firm. There's no point in telling them you are in a relationship already that's nothing more than details/challenge to the horny drunk. Tell them that you would rather sleep with a rabid dog with herpes than put your tongue in their mouth. Do it loud, do it in front of everybody, and don't worry about their feelings, the person you work with is essentially dead and has been replaced with and walking horn. That warning is enough to put them off. They are drunk so expect some sort of nasty reply. You will most likely be called frigid/gay/straight/impotent. Still better to be called names than get chlamydia or herpes from the office skank (either male or female). Oh and watch for them turning into the Christmas Crier or Christmas Mentalist after. If all else fails make sure you bring condoms.

Secret Santa is a pile of cheap nasty poo. Don't get excited, keep your expectations low and you wont be disappointed. The Office Sycophant can be a problem. They normally don't get drunk and tend to remember everything that happens. They remember and will use it against you for another year. You can just try and avoid them but that isn't really a viable option as they are like cockroaches and just keep showing up. The best way to deal with them is to get them drunk, take photographs and then relax. Chances are they will turn into a mentalist or crier.
You have worked hard all year and are entitled to your night out as much as the rest of the space cadets and freaks that you work with. Don't let the bastards ruin your night. If all else fails get hammered, shag the office junior and then smash the place up........

It's what I used to do.....

(Tomorrow, How to help the waiter help you enjoy your Christmas night out. You will need to take notes)

19 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Chummy said...

You're a mentalist, I bet you're a mentalist, are you a mentalist? Or a crier you could be a crier

dave said...

Perhaps our office is the exception to the norm...
We try to get presents that are as rude, disgusting and downright generally insulting as you can get.

That's normal, is it not?
Or am I a freak?

Manuel said...

Chummy: You again, I'm a mentalist for sure, but I do love a little cry.......I would be a humper but I love my LMM....

Dave: Freak......but carry on.......

sheepworrier said...

I'll be the one stuck beside the Office Mentalist quoting American Psycho with unnerving regularity...

OM "I need to engage in homicidal behaviour on a massive scale. It can not be corrected but I have no other way to fulfill my needs"

SW "Really...."

OM "I'm into... well murders and executions mostly"

SW "......."

Manuel said...

Sheepo: Nice, lucky you......saying that you could just freak them out and reciprocate....or just walk away....whatever.....

fatmammycat said...

Once again I bless my stars that I work alone and for myself. Even reading through that lot made me feel queasy and slightly horny, oh no wait, that was the picture of Bale,

gimme a minute said...

Adam Sandler movies make me cry.

fatmammycat said...

Little Ritchie made me cry too, but only tears of futile rage.

Caro said...

This is very helpful stuff.

Could you please do a post on how to get out of going to your work Christmas party? I'm all out of plausible ideas but I am.not.fucking.going this year...

Mudflapgypsy said...

I love the wee dance Mr Bateman does after he buttons up his raincoat.

Is it only the repressed types who go mad at christmas time? You know, the ramrod straight/by the book/never ever rebelled ever types?

Mudflapgypsy said...

Just say no.

Those who would try and cajole you are no better than alcoholics who want a drinking partner.

Manuel said...

FMC: Ha! You wanna come on ours? We have two one before and one after......the second one is for those that survive.....

Gimme: Just so awful......with the exception of Punch Drunk Love which was magnificent......

FMC: Hello, is it Manuel you're looking for.....

Caro: Oh you'll go......you know you want to......ah ye will, ye will, ye will

Muddy: Those are the main suspects when tables go flying.....honest......every time.....

bendersbetterbrother said...

I'm doing a warm up with some friends the night before. It's in Edinburgh in a fancy smantcy spot. That's not the important part. The important part is that it's in a place where nobody knows me. Previous work Christmas dinners have always produced blog material. See my archives. I've no reason to expect this year's to be any different.

Manuel said...

BBB: You're gonna go wild aren't you? Like the girls in the (sad) videos......you will expose yourself and call the wait staff sugar tits and wink at them......I can just see it now.....

bendersbetterbrother said...

No, I'm extremely polite to waiting staff. After all, I'll be needing them later to serve me drink, get me a taxi, find my coat/phone/camera//face.

MJ said...

I smell of drink at 9 in the morning every morning but I don't attend Christmas parties.

Medbh said...

Hilarious, Manuel. I could see them all in my head. Like FMC, I am happy that I don't work in an office. The academic xmas parties I've been to are soooooo boring that I never stayed long enough to find the typecasts. Everyone has like one drink and are worried about what others think.
Snooze.

Manuel said...

BBB: I believe you, honest.....

MJ: I believe you too

Medbh: School teachers are the opposite they just get so wasted........university lecturers are dull so very very dull, I always preferred them.......

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