Friday, 19 October 2007

The Waiter - Episode 1 Part 1 -The Line Up

It was a lively night in the house with the trainees staying up until the early hours of the morning. There was some tension between Old Fnudsen and Unidentified Wrestler caused by one of her practical jokes! But more of that later. In the weeks running up to the first show the trainees went through basic individual training. We didn't want them to be completely over awed at the scale of the task in front of them......

Day One. Shift: 11-3 5 to finish (Split)
The trainees are milling about the bar of the restaurant looking like lost sheep. Some are definetly suffering from last nights excess. The restaurant floor is no place to try and conceal a hangover. It's 10.50 and the trainees have about an hour to get the restaurant set and ready for lunch service. A handsome, if rather portly man, enters the room flanked on either side by two tall attractive ladies. This causes a ripple of excitement amongst the trainees.

"Hello, good morning, and welcome to the restaurant. My name is Manuel and I am ............ THE WAITER!"

There is a subdued round of applause from the group and one shout of "Fat bastard, ach I dinnae give a fuck..." from the back of the group. Phatty and Mauve, standing on either side of Old Fnudsen, both elbow him in the ribs.

"Fucking weemen....."

"I hope you all had a good nights rest and are ready for today's service. Ladies and gentlemen this is the first day of the rest of your lives. After today you will have a new found respect for those in the service industry. For one of you today will mark the greatest moment of your life, it will be the day you took your first step to becoming THE WAITER."

Another ripple of applause and some shouts of "Hell yeah" and "Bring it on" mainly from Unidentified Wrestler and Cletus. But what Manuel has failed to notice is that one of the trainees isn't at the bar for the first briefing. Shelly isn't there! Just at that the restaurant door flings open and in comes Shelly. She has her mobile phone in one hand a packet of Marlboro Red in the other. Coughing and spluttering she tries to apologise....

"Am I late? It's only eleven now. .."

Manuel fixes her a withering look and continues with what he was saying. "As I was saying, today one of you is on the road to becoming the waiter. But also one of you will fail today and have to leave the restaurant. For you, there will be no success and no glory."

Shelly omits a nervous giggle.

"Today we have 56 booked for lunch. My assistants, Charlie and Emily, will assign your duties for lunch. [There is a shout of "weemen mmmmm" from the back of the group] Please listen to what they have to tell you and follow their instruction to the letter. Now please get dressed for lunch quickly. We will talk again before opening. Miss Shelly may I have a word with you?"


As the group are led to the staff changing room by Charlie and Emily a very sheepish Shelly is taken to the office by Manuel. She reappears a few minutes later looking ashen. "I need a fag."

Manuel has removed her mobile phone and cigarettes and warned her about her timekeeping. The trainees are issued their duties for set up and as they get started Manuel reappears to watch over them. At 11:50 Manuel calls them all to the bar area again. The restaurant is set and ready for open. But Manuel is not happy.

"Trainees, this restaurant was set up by Charlie and Emily! You know how to do this, we showed you already. You were all too slow and if my assistants hadn't been here we wouldn't be open. Donardtje what was keeping you? You were slow and I saw nothing that could be causing you to laugh so much?"

"Me? I was just ....." But Manuel cuts off the giggling Dutchman before he can explain that Mauve and him were just excited to be on TV.

"Miss Mauve..."

"Yes sir." Giggles the far too perky by half Mauve

"Don't call me sir, call me Manuel."

"Sorry Sir, oh I mean Manuel, Sorry Manuel."

"You don't have to apologise either, this time, you need to concentrate more on what you are doing. Less laughing, more working please Ms Mauve."

"Now trainees please line up for inspection. And put your hands out." The trainees look at each other in horror. Shelly in particular is panicking and starts to lick her fingers and is rubbing them furiously. Manuel will be checking for clean and pressed uniform, personal grooming, clean and well trimmed fingernails, and that the trainees have pens, order pad and waiter's friend. Trainees can be sent home if they fail to live up to the standards set by Manuel. He will also be assigning duties, the group will be split into four groups of 2. One waiter, one busser.

"Very good Phatty, you may head to your section you will be a waiter today. And Mauve will be your busser."

As he scrutinises the line of trainees the tension is palpable. "Mr Shimmie you are rather dishevelled looking and what is with all the sweating? Is it too hot in here for you? Would you like me to damp your brow?"

"Oi tink I may have had a few drinks too many last noight der Manuel. Sarry bout dat." Shimmie straightens himself up and tucks in his shirt and using his service cloth he dries his forehead. This doesn't go down well with Manuel.

"Mr Shimmie what is that cloth for?"

"Dis cloth?"

"Yes Mr Shimmie, that cloth?"

"Ah roight I see what you mean. Mopped me head wi it didn't I?"

"Yes you did. GET A NEW CLOTH AND GET INTO YOUR SECTION! You will be a waiter today, we shall see if you are wasting everyone's time. Unidentified Wrestler, you shall be his busser."

"AWESOME MANUEL, AWESOME! C'MON SWEATY LETS ROCK!" UW grabs Shimmie by his tie and leads him to their section.

"Mr Fnudsen how are you today? You seem very relaxed or are you finding it all a bit tough?" Fnudsen is slouched over the bar looking very nonchalant.


"Stand up Mr Fnudsen and put your hands out." Fnudsen duly complies but fixes a rather psycho look on Manuel that seems to say 'I'm gonna get you.'

"Very good Old Fnudsen, now lets see if you can wait. Take Donardtje and take your section."

"See if a can wait is it? Fucking jumped up little Nazi in a waistcoat. Ah'll show you. Ah fucking take bigger shites than you me lad." Grumbles Mr Fnudsen under his breath. "Right c'mon you"

Donardtje points to himself and says in a rather nervous voice, "Me? Oh my goodness with him?" The odd couple indeed.

Manuel approaches Shelly who is quaking in her Gucci heels. "Miss Shelly those shoes are fantastic! Where they expensive? Because they really are lovely?"

"Eh yes .... I got them in Pari....." Manuel cuts her off before she can reveal her favourite shoe shop.

"Miss Shelly do you think those lovely shoes are practical for a 14 hour day in a restaurant? Do you?"

"Eh now that you say that, probably not. I'll change them on my split."

"Yes you will, yes you will. Mr Cletus! How are you today?"

"Ah now Manuel I'm just fine. The sun is shining, it's a great day."

"A great day to be out in the fields Cletus eh? Cletus have you ever heard of moisturiser? You have hands like the back of an elephant!"

"You mean the hands of a man?"

Manuel didn't like what Cletus was inferring. "Cletus you shall wait tables today. We shall see if you can do Mans Work. Take Miss Shelly and check your section."

Ladies and gentlemen. You only get one chance to make a good first impression. Please ensure that you are tidy and well groomed and free from sweat and Gucci shoes from now on."

"Righto der boss" shouts Shimmie from the back of the room. "Ah'll make an impression with my boot you fat bastard." adds Old Fnudsen.

"Please work hard. Treat your customers well. Enjoy yourselves. And make money. Remember the waiters with the lowest tips will face the public vote off. Trainees are we ready?"

"C'MON BRING IT ON!" Shouts Unidentified Wrestler. Mauve giggles, Fnudsen sighs, Phatty jogs on the spot, Donardtje takes 2 steps away from Fnudsen, Shelly bits her fingernails, Cletus grins and says, "No bother".

"Emily please open the doors". The great mahogany doors are opened, the game is on.....

Can you wait?

The events depicted in The Waiter are fictitious. Any similarity to any person/blogger living or dead is merely coincidental. And just for laughs."

20 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

ellie said...

Whoop whoop .... Shelly got the 6ft 4 Cletus. Looks like the heels might have to stay ;)

Manuel said...

Ellie: These boots were made for walking....

Medbh said...

A bus job!
Well, I never.
I hope the scenario gets reversed at the split or Mauve's not flashing her tits.
But I guess I have no control over that, hmmm?
Hilarious, Manuel.

Manuel said...

Medbh: We all have to start somewhere.....Titty flashing? This ain't HBO you know.....

savannah said...

i am so not liking the first draft favorite is not gonna do well :(

Anonymous Boxer said...

U.Wrestler was given the shaft by having to bus on the first day. BOO. Still, she took it like a pro. She's AWESOME!!!!!!!

angela said...

sweeeet. good stuff, Manuel :)

sheepworrier said...

I think I went to school with cletus.

Dave said...

My money is on Shimmie winning it. Any takers, anyone?

And there'll be a murder in the house, with a corkscrew stabbed right through someones eyeball right into their brain. That'll be Mauve.

gimme a minute said...

I'm not sure that sweating into people's food is going to make for big tips, Dave.

My money is on Mauve. I always shell out the most to those giggly, bubbly chicks.

Medbh said...

Dave, the corkscrew in the eye would be a move I'd make, not my femmebot alter ego. Mauve is more likely to sleep her way to the top.
My money's on Phatty.
She has the drive and discipline.
Although Shimmie does have 7 Worfs to feed.
hee hee

Old Knudsen said...

That Fnudsen sounds like a right cunt, you watch yer back nazi boy or you'll get a tip all right, the tip of a shiv.

Ms Robinson said...

I'll go with dave. Shimmie's the X factor dark horse.

fatmammycat said...

You realise that Mauve and Phatty will probably start staging some sort of coup. I'm just saying...

Manuel said...

Savannah: They will be switched about on each episode

Anonymous Boxer: YEAH C'MON!

Angela: TA TA

Sheepo: Yes you probably did, sirrrrrr

Dave: Who wins? You decide!

Gimmie: Never stopped me making money...

Medbh: There is more to Mauve than meets the eye....

Old Knudsen: I'll break him......

Ms Robinson: We shall just see

FMC: Coup is it eh? Treats? Crikey....

Medbh said...

Yes, FMC! Phatty and Mauve are really undercover women agents like Fox Force Five and we're taking over the restaurant.

Manuel said...

Medbh: No no it's not nice

Old Knudsen said...

Can I eat my KFC in here?

Manuel said...

No....finger licking bastard.....

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