Paper cuts and other injuries

It's a jungle out there

I could have died

Every job has it's dangers. Construction workers can fall from great heights or have stuff fall on them from great heights. ER workers get abused and threatened and attacked as much as the guy who works in the late night convenience store. Waiting tables has it's dangers too. Why just the other day I got a nasty paper cut on my hand whilst writing out the booking sheets for October. I felt quite faint for a moment and had to sit down. It was a difficult few minutes I can tell you. But the blood and pain doesn't end there. Here are the top 5 waiter injuries:

Busted Wristitis. Your wrists take a battering all day every day carrying plates and bowls and trays of food and drink. Crockery was all a fairly uniform size and weight years ago, but not now. Now even the most insignificant of product has to come in a bowl that has to be ten times the size really required. I would wear one of those jobbies that bowlers wear except they look really geek and I cant see the Glorious Leader going for it. Arthritis before I'm forty? Yippee!

Blue Finger. Blue Finger isn't an actual injury. It's the result of an injury. It refers to the colour of band aid that we have to wear when we cut ourselves whilst cutting fruit or polishing cutlery or when we go mental for a moment and smash bottles or glasses in a fit of rage. I couldn't possibly comment. But you can always tell how bad the waiters day has been by how blue his fingers are. Anything over two and you know it's been a rough one. Anything over 5 and there is probably a body stuffed in the bins.

oh the humanity,
the horror...

Chefs Arse. I can assure you it ain't just chefs that suffer from this nasty condition. Urban dictionary defines it best I think,

"Medical condition to describe the horrific chafing of the butt cheeks caused by long hard shifts in a hot sweaty environment. Is often exacerbated by tagnuts, winnets or dangleberries . Although there is no cure for this dreadful ailment, many chefs I know swear by cornflour, well known for its high starch content. Some shave their asses to lessen the pain, others smear Vaseline between the cheeks to lessen the friction, but the real masochists slather their ass in witchhazel upon the onset of symptoms."

Now, chefs can get away with having a bad case of the "arse", waiters cannot. We are out there, on the floor, in full view of the public wincing with every bloody movement. So if you see a waiter moving uncomfortably around the restaurant for the love of Jesus only call him if you really need him. His arse is literally on fire and your needs are very much second to his discomfort. We don't, as a rule, talk about the "arse" at work, for obvious reasons.

the most vivid & horrific example of
chefs arse

Fucking Blisters. That's their full technical term as found in all the best medical journals and dictionaries. Fucking Blisters are a constant pain in the ass, well not on the ass thankfully. But definitely on your feet and hands. If you make the wrong choice when buying shoes or opt for the wrong size cause you can save ten quid by getting a half size smaller (I've never done that honest) then you will pay for it with your feet. If you are going to be on your feet for 10 or 12 hours at a time you may as well go the whole hog and buy a decent pair of shoes. The very first thing I do when I get home from work is kick my shoes off and rub my sweaty, raw red feet for ten minutes until they are feeling normal again or until I cant stand the smell any more, which ever comes first. Most waiters have hands like princesses. We aren't used to "mans" work so when we have to do some we suffer ever so much. Our well manicured and moisturised hands can't take a lot of manual work and will blister at the first opportunity. Plus chefs are sadists and will, in a fit of bastardfulness, heat plates up to a degree or two under melting point just for the craic.

chefs are bastards that do bastardly things

The "I can't come in to work I feel terrible and have been sick all night and is in no way connected to the fact that today is pay day/the amount of beer I drank last night but should be fine tomorrow" flu. It happens and I believe it isn't confined to waiters either. Anyone ever catch it?

We waiters suffer for our art. We never know when we head out to work in the morning if we will make it home or not. Everyday is a minefield of broken glass and paper cuts. And hey how many jobs outside of porn do you have to shave your arse?