No sick and shit? No refund

It wasn't Manuel's chicken
it was Vodka, Stella, Cocaine, 60 Marlboro Red etc etc etc

"I was sick for the rest of the weekend. I was throwing up all day Sunday and was sure I was gonna die. And it was your chicken that done it. I'm phoning the health authorities and the papers and, and, and, anyone else who will listen.......Oh a voucher for a meal for two with wine included? Yeah that will do lovely, see you on Saturday."

Customers pull scams, they do it all the time. Now don't get me wrong waiters have been known to pull the odd move themselves from time to time. Like this pair of Dick Turpin's. Waiters have been pulling scams since the first restaurant opened. Probably hid a bag full of Dino Steaks in the bin to collect after work. I knew a guy who would scam his rent money up two days before the end of the month and another who paid for his move to the US through a simple voucher scam in Pizza Hut. Oh those were fun times. I do not condone this at all. People will tell you the wages are bad and the boss is a robbing bastard but that is no excuse to fall to his level.

But customers do it too. They do it with big balls and brass necks. They complain about food poisoning but neglect to mention the 10 pints of beer, 5 cocktails, and half bag of coke they took in the hours after they left the restaurant. No, no it was the chicken what done it, honest. They really do have diarrhoea, verbal diarrhoea. The shit they come out with, "I thought it tasted off, but didn't want to say".What? You thought it tasted off but didn't want to say? You thought that it would be okay to eat something that tasted off? You fucking deserve to get food poisoned you idiot.

You see it's very difficult to tell the difference between a punter who has been served a rancid rack of lamb and is up to their own elbows in their own excrement and one who is just naturally full of shit. Cases of food poisoning are almost always reported over the phone. If you could look into their eyes you could tell who is sick and who is a lying scamming dirtbag. I need to see the sweat and feel their clammy hands in order to believe them. But that's me, the chef on the other hand needs to see the shit and vomit. It's amazing how great they feel when they come in with their voucher for a free meal. If I get poisoned by a restaurant all the free food and drink and promises of oral sex will not get me back in there again!

But it isn't just food poisoning. Customers try any number of rouses to get out of paying what they owe. "I didn't like that, it tasted awful/dull/too spicy/not spicy enough/like a shoe" Yes but when I checked with you ten minutes ago you said it was "wonderful" and were stuffing it down your gob like a condemned man and now the plate is empty! This happens on a regular basis. The chef wont even entertain these complaints. If you have eaten it your paying for it.

Then you get the people who think that the numbers on the menu beside the food descriptions are just there for decoration. You present the bill and they go mental when it comes to more than they budgeted for, "This place is too fucking dear, £17? For a steak? Sure you can get em in Tescos for £2.50". Cough up and fuck off. This is when the complaining and scamming starts. They will complain about some aspect of the meal, or that there was a draft, or that the toilets weren't clean enough, or that they weren't told that they had to pay for extra side orders and so on. Not that they mentioned these "problems" at any point in the previous 2 and half hours! Managers live in fear of complaints and can crack at the drop of a hat. Waiters get really pissed at this. It's like admitting they were right and we were wrong. I am never wrong. Ever.

If it's not "food poisoning" to get a free meal or fictitious drafts and imaginary noises it is the "we weren't told" excuse. This is normally used by the cheap fucks with vouchers or discount cards. Not content with getting a special menu or 25% off they then try to get further discount by claiming they didn't know that sweets weren't included or that there was a supplement for the fillet steak or that they cant use their card after 7pm. You are a liar you lying cunt.

There are a host of dodgy moves that get pulled by dodgy customers in attempt to get a free meal or discount, these are the most common. Don't try them, we're on to you.....

1. Over the phone food poisoning. Bring in a sample of your stool and I'll see what I can do.
2. Imaginary problems that only you can see, hear, or feel. Drafts that aren't there, noise that doesn't exist, and tastes that are so repulsive you just had eat the whole thing to see what it was. Pull the other one, it's got bells on.
3. The surprise prices! Yes sir we switched menus half way through service to charge you more. Well done you for spotting it. Eh no we didn't now get the gold card out.
4. The waiter didn't dance enough/made my wife cry. Awh no hand job or lap dance sir? I'm a waiter not your lap dancer/whore/butler/babysitter. Now fuck up and pay.
5. "Oh I thought you paid. Me? I thought you paid. Hahahahah." Nice Bonnie and Clyde routine there, get back inside and pay before I call the police.

And who ends up footing the bill for all this fucking dodgery? Well not me that's for sure.......