Thursday, 4 October 2007

No sick and shit? No refund

It wasn't Manuel's chicken
it was Vodka, Stella, Cocaine, 60 Marlboro Red etc etc etc


"I was sick for the rest of the weekend. I was throwing up all day Sunday and was sure I was gonna die. And it was your chicken that done it. I'm phoning the health authorities and the papers and, and, and, anyone else who will listen.......Oh a voucher for a meal for two with wine included? Yeah that will do lovely, see you on Saturday."

Customers pull scams, they do it all the time. Now don't get me wrong waiters have been known to pull the odd move themselves from time to time. Like this pair of Dick Turpin's. Waiters have been pulling scams since the first restaurant opened. Probably hid a bag full of Dino Steaks in the bin to collect after work. I knew a guy who would scam his rent money up two days before the end of the month and another who paid for his move to the US through a simple voucher scam in Pizza Hut. Oh those were fun times. I do not condone this at all. People will tell you the wages are bad and the boss is a robbing bastard but that is no excuse to fall to his level.

But customers do it too. They do it with big balls and brass necks. They complain about food poisoning but neglect to mention the 10 pints of beer, 5 cocktails, and half bag of coke they took in the hours after they left the restaurant. No, no it was the chicken what done it, honest. They really do have diarrhoea, verbal diarrhoea. The shit they come out with, "I thought it tasted off, but didn't want to say".What? You thought it tasted off but didn't want to say? You thought that it would be okay to eat something that tasted off? You fucking deserve to get food poisoned you idiot.

You see it's very difficult to tell the difference between a punter who has been served a rancid rack of lamb and is up to their own elbows in their own excrement and one who is just naturally full of shit. Cases of food poisoning are almost always reported over the phone. If you could look into their eyes you could tell who is sick and who is a lying scamming dirtbag. I need to see the sweat and feel their clammy hands in order to believe them. But that's me, the chef on the other hand needs to see the shit and vomit. It's amazing how great they feel when they come in with their voucher for a free meal. If I get poisoned by a restaurant all the free food and drink and promises of oral sex will not get me back in there again!

But it isn't just food poisoning. Customers try any number of rouses to get out of paying what they owe. "I didn't like that, it tasted awful/dull/too spicy/not spicy enough/like a shoe" Yes but when I checked with you ten minutes ago you said it was "wonderful" and were stuffing it down your gob like a condemned man and now the plate is empty! This happens on a regular basis. The chef wont even entertain these complaints. If you have eaten it your paying for it.

Then you get the people who think that the numbers on the menu beside the food descriptions are just there for decoration. You present the bill and they go mental when it comes to more than they budgeted for, "This place is too fucking dear, £17? For a steak? Sure you can get em in Tescos for £2.50". Cough up and fuck off. This is when the complaining and scamming starts. They will complain about some aspect of the meal, or that there was a draft, or that the toilets weren't clean enough, or that they weren't told that they had to pay for extra side orders and so on. Not that they mentioned these "problems" at any point in the previous 2 and half hours! Managers live in fear of complaints and can crack at the drop of a hat. Waiters get really pissed at this. It's like admitting they were right and we were wrong. I am never wrong. Ever.

If it's not "food poisoning" to get a free meal or fictitious drafts and imaginary noises it is the "we weren't told" excuse. This is normally used by the cheap fucks with vouchers or discount cards. Not content with getting a special menu or 25% off they then try to get further discount by claiming they didn't know that sweets weren't included or that there was a supplement for the fillet steak or that they cant use their card after 7pm. You are a liar you lying cunt.

There are a host of dodgy moves that get pulled by dodgy customers in attempt to get a free meal or discount, these are the most common. Don't try them, we're on to you.....
  1. Over the phone food poisoning. Bring in a sample of your stool and I'll see what I can do.
  2. Imaginary problems that only you can see, hear, or feel. Drafts that aren't there, noise that doesn't exist, and tastes that are so repulsive you just had eat the whole thing to see what it was. Pull the other one, it's got bells on.
  3. The surprise prices! Yes sir we switched menus half way through service to charge you more. Well done you for spotting it. Eh no we didn't now get the gold card out.
  4. The waiter didn't dance enough/made my wife cry. Awh no hand job or lap dance sir? I'm a waiter not your lap dancer/whore/butler/babysitter. Now fuck up and pay.
  5. "Oh I thought you paid. Me? I thought you paid. Hahahahah." Nice Bonnie and Clyde routine there, get back inside and pay before I call the police.
And who ends up footing the bill for all this fucking dodgery? Well not me that's for sure.......

27 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Dine and dash is the worst. If you chance being chaced down the street to pay your tab expect to get clobbered.

And that line about thinking it was off and eating it anyway is a base lie.

Manuel said...

Medbh: You must have got that line at some point too. I've done it, chased the fuckers down the street. You get the same "I thought he/she paid" every time....

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I didn't realise so many people were such scammy bastards. My dad is a miserable tipper. It's embarrassing. When I'm out anywhere with him and he's paying I have to supplement his tip secretly on the way out. Either that or get him an extra couple of glasses of wine so he feels the magnanimity of the over-served at tipping time and coughs up something that isn't actually insulting.

I cried in a restaurant once about something sad. I got a huge piece of flourless chocolate peanut butter torte from a kindly waitress. I can't remember what it tasted like, I can only remember being mortified.

Manuel said...

Sam: It'll be waiter heaven for you....Tight tipping is one thing, not paying the bill is something else all together.....

John Cav said...

Oh how I can relate to your pain sir... When I was working in a student bar I had the following complaint:

A female student, 19 at most, came into me during the day one Friday morning. Backed up by her four friends. They were hopping mad and began to push her towards me. I would have closed my newspaper and took me hand out of the crack of me arse, but I was paralysed by the sense of righteous indignation.

"I want to speak to the manager!"

"Can I ask why?"

"You know why!"

"No. That's why I asked."

Vehement muttering from the posse.

"Well, I came in to complain! As a bar, and as bar staff, you are under obligation by law to serve alcohol responsibly... I was served too much alcohol here last night by you lot. I ended up in casualty!"

"..."

"You are not doing your jobs properly at all! I want to complain, and I want you to compensate me for my A&E bill!"

"..."

I would continue the dialogic reconstruction, but memory is a bit shady after that intro... What a stupid, ammoral little shit! However, the funniest thing about it was that she had been KICKED OUT of the pub the night before for smuggling in a 750cl bottle of vodka in her HANDBAG!!

You do the math :)

Anonymous Boxer said...

Really, then what's the POINT of going out? Buzz kill.

Conortje said...

The cheek of some people. I just can't imagine anyone trying to pull a fast one on you though - I'd be too scared to try (and honest of course but that goes without saying).

Manuel said...

John Cav: Did I not warn you about coming round here with better stories than me? Keep it up.....I would have kicked her square in the......

Anonymous Boxer: WHAT? EH?

Conortje: You are the very definition of honest sir! But as for the rest of them......so many scams..

Old Knudsen said...

What about I (somehow) caught my t-shirt on a chair and it ripped, it was a new t-shirt so are you going to buy me a new one?

Short answer.........no!

Manuel said...

Old K: Fuck how did I forget! People only wear their new Armani, new Calvin Klein, new Tommy Middlefinger when they go out to eat. And they always rip it on something, have stuff poured or splashed on it.....LIARS LIARS LIARS I know Dunnes when I see it......

Conan Drumm said...

What, no one slipped on the 'wet' floor?

yoyo said...

Are people really such scamming sneaky bastards!?!? Jesus.
I get that some times at the place I work at. People will order chicken, eat it all, then demand a refund screaming "THAT CHICKEN WAS RAW! YOU'RE TRYING TO POISON ME!!" and sadly, no, FAIL. All chicken is temp checked before it goes out. If by 'raw' you mean 90c,then yes your chicken was raw.
Stupid scamming people. It makes me so sad. :(



Manuel, I'd like to show your blog full of witty writing and views on the catering industry to people on this little forum I moderate. I wont do this unless I get your permission though.

savannah said...

sugar, may all your weekend customers be lovely and delicious and grand tippers! this was supposed to be a GOOD week!

Dave said...

Reminds me of the time I used to work in Winemark (shower of shites).
Anyone bringing back a 'corked' bottle of wine got it replaced no problem, it was dead easy to tell.
I had one woman bring in a bottle to me and said it had been 'off'. Yeah? So why have you brought it back empty!??
Some people...

Dave

ps Haven't read your comments about Lisburn, but I'd be pretty sure you are right.

Anonymous Boxer said...

I have a version in my world.. it has to do with people telling me their product was broken in transit, but I truly believe they opened the box, DROPPED it, and then called to complain about our packaging and demanding a refund.

do you forgive me for the "buzz kill" comment? Huh?

EmmaK said...

I do sympathize with your punters who complain about drafts etc, but credit where credit's due, Manuel, I can't help applauding this
couple who risked their lives for some free meals. Who says there's no such thing as a free lunch? Okay, so Evano could serve 100 years in prison, but let's not get petty. He did have quite a few free lunches, at one time.

Conan Drumm said...

You need to take the title of this post and make a cutely embellished plaque for your establishment: No Sick? No Shit? No Refund!

INNER VOICES said...

i once witnessed a guy finish his meal at the bar and "accidentaly" drop his plate on the floor. proclaimed he hadnt started to eat yet and didnt want to be charged for the food anyway.... yeah fucker tried to run for it. guess he got away, but had left his credit card at the bar earlier, to keep his tab open, before he decided to eat. everyone sitting at the bar got a free drink from that mans card that evening...
anyway good post and work rant!

Planet Me said...

Because every customer is a scammer, and a waiter or chef never has a bad day or undercooks something by error? Get real. Sometimes cooks do get it wrong - same as everyone does who ever does anything. It's only the people who do nothing who do nothing wrong.

... And every single person who ever gets ill from cooked food is automatically ripped on Class A's, cocktails and beer? Yeah, RIGHT. Statistically it's impossible, for a start.

I've eaten - or more correctly quarter-eaten - undercooked vile food, and never go drinking or drugging before I go to a restaurant. Maybe after, but never before.

fatmammycat said...

I left a restaurant- and I use the word uber loosely- once without paying. In my defense I had asked for the bill repeatedly and when they didn't bother to bring it and then fucked off out back for a smoke-ignoring me for a further ten minutes I got my coat and ambled out.

OneForTheRoad said...

It must be hard knowing that after one shower of bastards leaves, another one is due to come in..

Manuel said...

Conan Drumm: No not the wet floor, but the wet floor sign....

YOYO: You know them too!! Yes by all means go fir it...I'll pop round in a while...

Savannah: Awh it hasn't been that bad but hey there is the weekend to go and I have a funny feeling ....

Dave: It's the brass neck on them that gets me...

Anonymous Boxer: Of course I do...

Emma K: Brilliant! I don't mind a bit of originality from time to time...

Conan Drumm: It's written on my face.....not actually but you know what I mean....

Inner Voices: Now that is lovely justice...cheers man..

Planet Me: Woah settle there big fella. I think you are looking for balance. There will be no balance on this blog. Bias rules, bias in favour of the waiter for once. Almost all cases of alleged food poisoning that have occurred in places where I work were proved not to have happened because of something eaten there. Don't get me wrong chefs makes mistakes, but when it comes to preparing food that could make someone seriously ill or worse it is such a very rare incident. Food safety is at it's highest level now than at any time in modern history. Food is probed, records are kept, fridges are checked hourly, and delivery lorries are checked too. Customers do try to pull shit all the time. I know this to be true because I work there on the floor dealing with this shit. Get real? Nice...

Manuel said...

FMC: I would have done the same...carry on.....

OFTR: One tries to stay positive and keeps ones fingers crossed.....

Planet Me said...

Of course customers try to pull shit all the time. I've got sick from shoddy cooking a couple of times, (about once every 7 years, by my reckoning) and pulled back a handful of meals in my time - never did without a damned good reason. Not to say that there aren't shysters abounds, just maybe not as many as you think.

I did skip a bill once. I got fed up of trying to get someone's attention and after 20 minutes, left. They didn't even notice then, I suspect.

yoyo said...

"Get real. Sometimes cooks do get it wrong .."


LIES!!


*flounces off*

Manuel said...

Planet Me: I think that there are more shysters than you think.......

YoYo: Don't let it upset you, just pish in his soup....

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