Monday, 17 September 2007

Smart arse just got smarter, and arsier (it's a word)

Cow: contains blood

"Oi, excuse me waiter there is blood pouring out of my steak!"

"Eh, no there isn't sir", replies the devilishly handsome if rather cuddly waiter.

"WHAT! ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? LOOK, THERE, ON THE PLATE, BLOOD EVERYWHERE!" The exasperated customer splashes the "blood" with his fork in an attempt to prove his point. But it's a futile act as the waiter rather confidently (smugly) counters with,

"That's not blood. When this particular moo cow was pulled from the field, stuffed into a lorry, moved to the slaughter house, stunned, and then cut from head to toe all most all of the blood was drained out. That sir, is myoglobin. That's MY-O-GLO-BIN sir. It stores oxygen in the muscles sir."

His face contorted with rage and going red as all the globin, both myo and hemo rushed to his face the customer let loose with, "YOU...WHAT...CHEEKY LITTLE BASTARD...I'LL MYO-FUCKING-GLOBIN YOU. GET ME A MANAGER!!!!"

One day I'll use that snippet of information, one day soon....

I gleaned this information from "What Einstein Told His Cook" by Robert L. Wolke. It shall be the basis of many a great come back. So now the smart arsed waiter can get even smarter, and arsier...Brilliant!

Steak: does not contain blood

34 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

bendersbetterbrother said...

As long as it's not Jus-de-chef.

Manuel said...

It ain't the chef's special "jus" you need to worry about...

Anonymous Boxer said...

and what smart-arese come back would the waiter say to a Vegetarian?

Manuel said...

Anonymous Boxer: "Would madam like some more water?"

I had a vegan the other night, what a pain...but he was pleasant and ate his chickpeas with good grace....

Anonymous Boxer said...

we are a loving bunch, for sure. Except for all the questions.

Old Knudsen said...

What the fuck does Einstein know? what is he a genius or something? heres what I'd say to a Vegan,"live long and prosper."

Manuel said...

Anonymous Boxer: hehehehehe

Old K: you would though wouldn't you...

Conan Drumm said...

Mmmmm, steak... medium-rare, but no to onions, mushrooms, or e-coli.

Manuel said...

Conan Drum: No e-coli, no pudding.....

Conan Drumm said...

Oh, alright then. Make it creme brulee with just a drizzle of listeria.

Manuel said...

Very good choice sir....

fatmammycat said...

mmmmmushrooms. We went to some French place in the end on Satdee, with an open kitchen and polite lovely staff who all said, 'table to go please chef' really politely. We had French onion soup and Pea and Mint soup with creme fresh to start and then the paramour had a bloody steak big as 'is head and I had Sea bass and al dente veggies that were the most delicious things I've ever eaten. This place doesn't even take reservations, folk queue outside to grab a table. Awesome.
I've been asked not to say the name of it, the paramour worries it will become even more popular and he might not be able to get in and eat his own body weight in dead cow then.
But remember this if you're ever down this way Toots, FADE STREET.

Manuel said...

I know how the paramour feels, you find a little gem and you want to keep it to yourself. Before you know it it's filled with the loud and the obnoxious, grrrrrrr

gimme a minute said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Conan Drumm said...

Ah yes Missus, I've heard of that place... opposite what used to be a sausage factory. How long can one expect to queue?

gimme a minute said...

Manuel, that is one morose looking cow. I reckon she has some powers of precognition, unusual in a bovine.

A rare medium, you might say.

fatmammycat said...

Conan, if you get there about 5: 50 you're good. And can I just say, the slow roast pork belly looked VELLY good, I'm going to order than next time.

Manuel said...

Conan Drumm: Shhhhhhhh it's a secret....

Gimme: I love that picture. I even use it as my wallpaper, on the mac that is, not the house walls...that would be sorta cool though eh? Rare medium, quality.....

Manuel said...

FMC: Pork belly is beautiful. We serve it with a chutney, it's just so morish. I get a lot of grief from the idiots (customers) who don't know what they are ordering. Pork Belly is quite fatty, there's a hint in the name....some people don't always grasp that....

Conan Drumm said...

Whatever I said, I said nuthin'. Right!?

Medbh said...

I've wondered if that book was any good, Manuel. I'll have to pick that one up.
BTW, when I asked our last dinner guests how they wanted their meat cook she ordered a well done fillet and I smiled and thought of you. Ruined that steak.

Manuel said...

Conan Drumm: Right...

Medbh: It is a great read. It is full of lovely bits of information that you can astound friends/back chat customer with. I always have a little giggle when someone orders a wd fillet at work. Then I get cross....

Manuel said...

Medbh: If you need to order that book there may be a facility at the bottom of the page. Just a thought......

Troika said...

What's in a haggis then?

sheepworrier said...

for the sake of all that is pure and good in this world, please dont describe whats in a haggis, Manuel... im just after me lunch!

Manuel said...

sheep's heart, liver and lungs, minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally boiled in the animal's stomach for approximately an hour. And a fair degree of inbreeding a skirt wearing...yuk..

sheepworrier said...

Cheers Manuel....

Anonymous Boxer said...

Oh Good Lord.

Manuel said...

Anonymous Boxer: Mmmmmmmmm sheeps stomach. Sorry, I mean peppers mmmm

Anonymous Boxer said...

I'm sorry, but could you explain the entire menu again? Is the broth vegetable or beef, because I can't eat it if it's beef. Or chicken. And do you have any ravioli WITHOUT cheese? No? Could you make me some? BUT, I also don't eat wheat, so be sure it's NOT pasta but a tofu form of pasta. Thanks so much.

Aren't we a bundle of fun?

Manuel said...

Anonymous Boxer: Yes, that's the way it happens every bloody time. My head chef thinks fish is a vegetarian option! So our menu is not easy for them. He even made a veggie stir fry using chicken stock and couldn't see what the problem was....

Bock the Robber said...

Einstein?? The famous rocket surgeon???

Manuel said...

That's the boy....

The book is about the science of cooking and shouldn't be taken literally....

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