Wednesday, 26 September 2007

Eat your food or I'll get "The Man"

The Intel SR1500 1U
not to be confused with your waiter


I had a table of 14 tonight from a nearby computer company. The word "nerd" just doesn't do them justice. Think Bill Gates without the "personality" then double it and add bad personal hygiene and mature acne and you have it! They were difficult to serve at first as they were very clearly socially awkward outside of their bedrooms/work cubicles. I'm sure they are all a real laugh and look like God's in Second Life or in virtual chat rooms, but here in the real world they were shy to the point of being painful. Good grief one of them blushed when I asked him for his order. I tried to be gentle with them, but I was busy and didn't have time for pissing about with the Tron Fan Club.

Ten frustrating minutes later I had secured the order. I brought them their glasses of non-fat milk and diet cokes, (the order was littered with "sauce on the side" and "plain") but one of them had ordered a very nifty bottle of the Heartland Shiraz. He was the alpha nerd. You could see the way the other nerds looked up to him. He probably not only knew girls outside of work/family but maybe even had had "relations" with one, briefly. He was more relaxed than the rest, his Whitesnake T-Shirt should have been a clue as to his status. He ordered his steak medium with pepper sauce. That caused a ripple around the table I can tell you, it was as if he had ordered Bambi herself.

They were out for dinner to celebrate the end of a particular project, and a boss had flown in from Texas to treat them all. God only knows what they had created or made go faster or smaller or something like that. But the boss was picking up the bill so Alpha Nerd, or Clive as I had taken to calling him (he looked like a Clive or a Simon or something like that), ordered another bottle of Shiraz. And this is where he made his big mistake. Clive was well imbibed as it was from the first bottle but as "Hank" (isn't everyone from Texas called Hank?) was picking up the bill he decided to throw caution to the wind. The first bottle had clearly boosted his confidence, as alcohol tends to do, and he decided it was time to be funny. Whilst alcohol will make you more confident it rarely makes you wiser. And so it came to pass,

"Garçon! Another bottle of your fine vino, make it snappy, I'm nearly out here."

I spun like an ice skater and stared him down with a withering look, "Garçon? Did you just call me Garçon?"

"Eh yeah sorry..." he knew he had done wrong "can I get another bottle of wine please?" This time it was more "if you don't mind and when you have time and if it's okay."

I couldn't let it go, I should have but couldn't.

"Garçon is it? You Google that on the internet before you came out?" He laughed and then tried to explain the difference between the Internet and the Web. I wasn't listening and was on my way to get a smoke and his wine, in that order too.

I haven't been called Garçon in ages. It's always by someone trying to be bigger than they are, someone flash with bling and lots of cash on them. It got me thinking about all the terms used for waiter. Most of which I hate...
  1. Waitress - You could never confuse me with a woman, ever, so you shouldn't call me a waitress. But I absolutely hate the word "waitress" and actress and the worst, manageress. No fucking need, don't do it.
  2. Server - fucking hate "server". The Intel SR1500 1U is a server, I am not. A server is someone who hands out plates. It suggests no skill or training or knowledge. Call me a "server" and I'll drop your dinner on your lap, honest.
  3. Steward - Maybe on a plane, train or boat or in the 1930's.
  4. The "Man" - Used by parents to scare their kids into eating/behaving. "Eat up or I'll get The Man" OR "Sit down, here comes The Man!". I usually play along and make a scary face. Oh the tears......
  5. The "Boy" - A favourite amongst old people. No matter how professional you are feeling or acting there is nothing like being called "The Boy" by some old person to make you feel like you are ten again. They never call you "boy" directly. Normally one old person asks the other to ask "the boy" for something. But they do it when you are at the table. You might be deaf grandad, I'm not.
  6. Garçon - Unless you are actually French don't even consider calling me Garçon. I WILL call you on it and embarrass you in front of your guests.
  7. Waitron - I have never been called a waitron, and I would probably beat you to a very bloody pulp if you did make the mistake of calling me a waitron. Honestly I would have to be pulled off your cold dead body as I would continue to pound it with my bare fists until there was nothing left. It was the pc compromise for waiter/waitress but it's just so ugly it makes me angry.
So think before you ask for that next bottle of wine.....

30 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

angela said...

oooh snap. you laid the beatdown on him. for real.

tell it like it is, man.

Medbh said...

Whitesnake t-shirt: Brilliant.
Call that shit out, Manuel.
You're nobody's boy.
Fuckin' A right.

Manuel said...

Angela: Where have you been recently?! He fad to be told.....

Medbh: Whitesnake eh... it's just not good is it..

angela said...

haha, school and the radio has been kicking my ass...but it's all good, i still come back and read and make my silly comments for you. :D

Anonymous Boxer said...

My fantasy is that you put the cigarette out in the bottle of wine and then served it. But, I know you're a true professional.... right?

Right?

I come from a long line of Nerds and I never would have used the "G" word. Just wanted you to know.

yoyo said...

He doesent sound like a respectable nerd. He sounds like a guy who recently watched Pulp fiction and wanted to be cool.


I've never calle my waiter..whatever, anything. Usually I'll only get their attention to pay the bill with a cautious "um..excuse me, please?"
Is that okay to do? Short of putting up my hand meekly I dont really know how else to get their attention.


Awesome hilarious blog, btw. I'm a cook so sometimes I feel bad about how the kitchen staff treat you/how you treat them, but it's still a damn good read.
And yes, so many chefs I've worked with have been jumped up 19 year olds who are doing some cooking course at the local colleg and suddenly think they're bourdain.

Manuel said...

Angela: That's okay then...

Anonymous Boxer: We are all a littler nerdish aren't we?

YoYo: "putting up my hand meekly", yes yes, that's correct. We are your overlords....You have been reading the archives eh?! Welcome n all that....

Conan Drumm said...

With you on the totally un-necessary/offensive -ess suffix. But can I tell you something, as a customer, I cannot abide being addressed as "Sir". It comes from being a citizen rather than a subject, if you follow me? It puts me into a frenzy. So how do you address the customers?

Manuel said...

Conan Drumm:I always start with "Sir/madam" and alter as suits the table. I use phrases like, "guys", "folks", "friends' and so on. Some prefer the formality, some don't.

Anonymous said...

You gotta love the nerds. Rest assured they will never be out again! Garcon, indeed...
What ever happened to the table of 40 Thais.
Sa wadeeka!!!

Manuel said...

Anonymous: Ah you know more than than I have mentioned.....

The table from Bangkok had me Thai'd up all night!! Boom boom...more to follow...

Anonymous said...

techincally you're the customers servant for the duration of their meal and should be addressed how they see fit, par example,
bitch,
gimp,
jeeves,
squire,
son,
this list is non exhaustive.

Manuel said...

Anonymous: Good job you are anonymous, servant my sweet fat ass. I very fucking dare you to try anyone of those the next time you go out for a curry chip....Grrrrrrrrrrr although saying that, I always liked squire....

livesbythewoods said...

I was addressed as "Girl" once by a customer when I was working in a teashop/restaurant place. Boy, did he wait a long time for his tea and scones.

Manuel said...

LBTW: Cheeky sod, I would have dropped jam scone on his trousers, see how he likes that.....

fatmammycat said...

At least he called you something related to your job. I once worked in a terrible restaurant in my youth where I was referred to as 'Honey' a lot. like
'Say honey, could you bring me another bottle of the house red. And Honey more bread 'k?"
Also I once had the horror of serving a couple where the man CLICKED his fingers at me. Fortunately my manager was going past at the time and tore strips off him, but in a haughty polite betcha feelin' deees beeeg now way that's too hard to imitate.
What a knob.
I don't know how you cope but I salute you.

Anonymous said...

waiters should wear ctotchless leather chaps with lit sparklers stuck in their crack and move around the floor on roller skates........... or was that a dream?

Manuel said...

FMC: It's always the cheap sob asking for the House Red isn't? Finger clicking? Manuel don't tango......

Anonymous: In your dreams, very dark and scary dreams.....

Conortje said...

In Dutch they always make a distinction between male and female no matter what kind of job they do like singer for example (always tickles me). You even have to specify if you are talking about a male friend or female friend. Very strange those Dutchlings :-)

gimme a minute said...

Ever been called Manuel?

Manuel said...

Conortje: The Dutch are always good to serve, "Pint of Guinnesssshh please". Makes me laugh

Gimme: Never, but I have been called Basil a few times.....I can be an asshole from time to time......

Anonymous Boxer said...

Is "anonymous" Old Knudsen, with yet another "blog"??

Freshblade said...

Hilarious! He deserved that...

Steve said...

"(isn't everyone from Texas called Hank?)"

If you had done more research than watching a few episodes of King of the Hill, dear Manuel, you would know that Hank is not the only acceptable name in Texas. The following names are also acceptable:

Austin
Billy Bob
Cletus
John Boy

That list IS exhaustive.

I think most of the people who call waiters "garcon" don't know what it actually means. Either that, or they're just jerks.

The Hangar Queen said...

Nicely done and well played.I would have given him
a wood shampoo.

P.S. Last year I responded to an incident on the metro that had gone from shouty to shooty.There was elderly Irish granny roaring at some serious fucking hoodlums (whilst waving a brolly) that she was going to get "The Man".

ellie said...

Garcon ... it reminds me of that 70's sitcom, Robins Nest.

Fresh Hell said...

Would I get your attention if I called you 'Sugar-Britches' and made kissey noises at you? Just a thought.

Manuel said...

Anonymous Boxer: I thought it was you for a moment, I was quite upset......

FreshBlade: Deserved that and more.....

Steve: Isn't Austin the acceptable face of Texas? King of the Hill was great though....

Hangar Queen: The Man is a right bastard I can tell ya...

ELLIE: Robins Nest, quality..remind me to email you tomorrow night bout something...

Freshy: Anytime, anytime at all......

air drying dessicants said...

black mold exposureblack mold symptoms of exposurewrought iron garden gatesiron garden gates find them herefine thin hair hairstylessearch hair styles for fine thin hairnight vision binocularsbuy night vision binocularslipitor reactionslipitor allergic reactionsluxury beach resort in the philippines

afordable beach resorts in the philippineshomeopathy for eczema.baby eczema.save big with great mineral makeup bargainsmineral makeup wholesalersprodam iphone Apple prodam iphone prahacect iphone manualmanual for P 168 iphonefero 52 binocularsnight vision Fero 52 binocularsThe best night vision binoculars here

night vision binoculars bargainsfree photo albums computer programsfree software to make photo albumsfree tax formsprintable tax forms for free craftmatic air bedcraftmatic air bed adjustable info hereboyd air bedboyd night air bed lowest pricefind air beds in wisconsinbest air beds in wisconsincloud air beds

best cloud inflatable air bedssealy air beds portableportables air bedsrv luggage racksaluminum made rv luggage racksair bed raisedbest form raised air bedsaircraft support equipmentsbest support equipments for aircraftsbed air informercialsbest informercials bed airmattress sized air beds

bestair bed mattress antique doorknobsantique doorknob identification tipsdvd player troubleshootingtroubleshooting with the dvd playerflat panel television lcd vs plasmaflat panel lcd television versus plasma pic the bestThe causes of economic recessionwhat are the causes of economic recessionadjustable bed air foam The best bed air foam

hoof prints antique equestrian printsantique hoof prints equestrian printsBuy air bedadjustablebuy the best adjustable air bedsair beds canadian storesCanadian stores for air beds

migraine causemigraine treatments floridaflorida headache clinicdrying dessicantair drying dessicantdessicant air dryerpediatric asthmaasthma specialistasthma children specialistcarpet cleaning dallas txcarpet cleaners dallascarpet cleaning dallas

vero beach vacationvero beach vacationsbeach vacation homes veroms beach vacationsms beach vacationms beach condosmaui beach vacationmaui beach vacationsmaui beach clubbeach vacationsyour beach vacationscheap beach vacations

fgeegf said...

成人電影,情色,本土自拍, 情色聊天室, 寄情築園小遊戲, AV女優,成人電影,情色,本土自拍, A片下載, 日本A片, 麗的色遊戲, 色色網, ,嘟嘟情人色網, 色情網站, 成人網站, 正妹牆, 正妹百人斬, aio,伊莉, 伊莉討論區, 成人遊戲, 成人影城,
ut聊天室, 免費A片, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網,
美女交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人貼圖, 成人電影, A片, 豆豆聊天室, 聊天室, UT聊天室, 尋夢園聊天室, 男同志聊天室, UT男同志聊天室, 聊天室尋夢園, 080聊天室, 080苗栗人聊天室, 6K聊天室, 女同志聊天室, 小高聊天室, 情色論壇, 色情網站, 成人網站, 成人論壇, 免費A片, 上班族聊天室, 成人聊天室, 成人小說, 微風成人區, 色美媚部落格, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人論壇,
日本A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友, 本土自拍, 免費A片下載, 性愛,
成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, aV, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片,成人電影,情色,本土自拍,