Sunday, 2 September 2007

Bravado? Machismo? Not me I'm afraid. (Very afraid!)

from Austin@onefortheroad
more below, quality.....


"I'm not doing it."

"YES YOU ARE!"

"I'm not. Forget about it. Please just take me down."

So there I was, at just after 12pm on a Sunday lunchtime, standing on a tiny cage that was being dangled over the River Lagan from a bloody great big crane. I DID NOT sign up for this. I was more than happy to collect money for charity, when it comes to badgering people for cash I'm your man. When it comes to daredevil acts of bravado and machismo I am very definitely not your man. I see myself in more a supporting role on such days. You need your coat held, I'll hold it. You need a photograph taken as you bungee for the disabled, I will be to capture your Kodak moment. I am not a jumper, a zipper, or a diver. I wont play football, pool, or even poker. These facts are not new. I have always known this.

With all this in mind, how for the love of Jesus did I find myself in a bloody basket/cage very high off the ground with 3 young crazy/zany people and one jolly Scottish person? I try very hard to avoid both jolly and zany people at all times. The event was titled "ZIP ACROSS THE LAGAN". The clue was in the title. What did I think I was going to be doing, paddling a canoe (Which by the way I wouldn't do either). But the jolly Scottish chap was having none of my protestations.

"C'mon now laddie, you are a man aren't you? Stop all this nonsense, you wont impress the girls like this." As if I fucking cared about impressing the ladies, and questioning my manhood was a non-fucking-starter too. I just wanted down on sweet sweet terra firma again.

"I cant do this, honestly it ain't gonna happen"

"All right lad, stand to the side and let this man go first."

If I hadn't been so terrified I would have deep fried Jock McTavish's Mars bar at that point. And stand to the side? WHERE?

So the first guy went and it was all very impressive I'm sure. I saw nothing as I was busy focusing on my shoes.

"Here laddie hold this." says the jolly Jock bastard handing me a rope.

"Eh what am I holding?"

" What the fuck...."

"Of you go, 1,2,3" and with that the jolly fat bastard kicked me off the basket.

"Ah Jesus Christ. I'm gonna get youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu."

My threat was pointless but half of Belfast heard it. And within seconds it was over.

Now I'm very glad I raised some decent money for a cancer charity. But when people say "Well aren't you glad you done it? and the even more pointless " You over come your fears! Well done!" I just want to poke them in the eye and say "NO I'M NOT FUCKING GLAD I DONE IT. NOT GLAD AT ALL. AND MY FEAR OF HEIGHTS IS VERY FUCKING FIRMLY HERE TO SAY YOU BASTARDS."

And I did. Three ironic cigarettes and 2 double espressos later I was just about right again. I shall never ever do that again.



Cheers Austin, bloody love em. Keep em coming folks....

18 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

gimme a minute said...

You crazy person. Not for all the tea in China would I do that shit. Not for world peace, I tell ya.

You crazy, manly person.

Manuel said...

gimme: Neither would I, but I was conned I tells ye, conned!

hyperhan said...

Fair play to ya Manuel, balls of steel ya have!!

Manuel said...

Hyperhan: No I don't, not at all, they have disappeared back up inside and they are staying there for quite a while...

bendersbetterbrother said...

Let that be a lesson to you. Next time just write a cheque. Painless, and no back-chat from a language mangling Jock either.

Manuel said...

BBBrother: Bloody Jolly Jock got right on my tits. God yes, cheque and a "best of luck" that's the future...

angela said...

aaahaha waiters of the corn. that's a good one.

yeah i can't say that i would have gone through with those shenanigans though...probably would have cried and lost control of my bowels simultaneously. :P

Medbh said...

Brave man.
My fear of heights would have crippled me, Manuel.
Terra firma is the way to go, always.
You need a rest and 3 tea bags in a cup now.

toast said...

I demand, DEMAND photographs

Manuel said...

Angela: I think I did

Medbh: I need my head examined!

Toast: Probably never gonna happen, probably...

Conan Drumm said...

Good job you'd had the Ebola enema the previous day. How did they con you into the cage?

Manuel said...

Conan Drum: Drugged my milkshake a la Mr T from the A-Team....

toast said...

Manuel,

Have you changed anything about your rss feeds recently? not getting updates on my igoogle page since 'small portions today'

Manuel said...

Toast: Not that I know. It's coming through fine on my igoogle page. Eek a waiter who cant feed the public, that's not good. Any ideas?

ANYONE ELSE NOTICED THE SAME?

Medbh said...

the waiterz of the corn one is a riot, Manuel. They look Mormon.

Anonymous Boxer said...

As long as you didn't soil yourself, as is well?

Personally, at my age, I writey the checks and stay on the ground.

Manuel said...

Medbh: I think we will be seeing those two again...

Anonymous Boxer: Just wet with sweat! Cheques from now on, fuck that....

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