Thursday, 21 June 2007

Statement from The C.L.R.M.W.T.

The Leadership of The C.L.R.M.W.T.
(left to right) Shaz, Jaunty, Tia, & Anto

I have received an statement this afternoon from the COMBINED LOYALIST/REPUBLICAN MILITARY WINE TEAM (The C.L.R.M.W.T.) with reference to a call for help from French vineyards/winemakers action group CRAV. CRAV issued a warning recently that unless the price of wine is increased they will take military type action against the government and anyone who sells foreign wine in France. Already some supermarkets have been targeted and had their foreign bottles vandalised. They have said blood will be spilled in the pursuit of their aims. CRAV have asked the C.L.R.M.W.T. to aid them in their struggle to have wine prices raised to a satisfactory level.

But the leadership of the C.L.R.M.W.T. have responded negatively to this call to arms. The statement, lobbed through my bedroom window inside an empty bottle of Blossom Hill "wine", (oh the irony) reads as follows:

"Here mate, tell em Frenchies they have no chance. The price of French wine is to feckin dear as it is. And sure last week we had to drink frigging Chilean wine 'cos we couldn't even afford Li pee et door [sic]. Aye and here another thing wats wi corks? Everyone is using screwtops these days so why cant the Frenchies? Tell em that. It's a fucking pain trying to open a bottle wi a cork in it at 3 in the morning when your standing outside in the rain and yer hands are freezing. WAAH. So we aren't gonna help, tell em ti fack aff."

Signed by Jaunty & Anto of The C.L.R.M.W.T.

They then poured a bottle of French wine onto the pavement. This started a fight as Anto said it was a waste but Jaunty over ruled him saying it was "symbalic".

Why the CRAV thought that The C.L.R.M.W.T. were going to be of any use to them is still unclear as they are just a bunch of hoods who drink on street corners and wine covers everything from MAD DOG 20/20 to Buckfast to Carlsberg Special Brew. The C.L.R.M.W.T is in no way a made up organisation. It is in fact an amalgamation of street drinking crews that now reflects the new era of peace and love that is now found here In Northern Ireland.

I contacted "Sweet Chucks", a spokesman for the UNION of BUCKFAST & CIDER STREET DRINKERS ASSOCIATIONS (Portadown Chapter) for any comment and to gauge their interest in helping CRAV. Mr Chucks responded by saying:

"I've never been to France but I do have a beret. Have you seen my cat? I'm sure it was here yesterday.Who are you? Is that my foot or ......."

Sweet Chucks of

He rambled on for another 20 minutes or so about cats, berets, and how he hasn't seen a white dog turd in years. It would appear street drinking plays havoc with your brain.

Rumours of help from the C.I.R.A & the U.D.A have been denied as "it's nearly July and sure that's when the fun starts."

Hard luck then CRAV on trying to get help from these shores. Sure never worry, with the French record in military conflicts being what it is you'll have no worries....

11 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Continuity Combined Loyalist Republican Military Wine Team said...

We take a different view.

savannah said...

i sent that bbc link to mr savannah..he wanted to know if the frogs were destroying california wines...he's weird like that...

ellie said...

PMFSL. Are there Wine Teams anywhere else in the world other than Belfast? I used to be petrified of the Sydenham Wine Team when I was in my teens, like they were real hard men!!!God help us all!
Also noted the white dog turd comment... I won't ask how you came to notice the absence!

Medbh said...

The French will cling to the cork as long as possible. Corks are good for your business,too, Manuel. Without them there's no fee. Twisting the cap is short on ceremony.
The C.L.R.M.W.T: Hilarious.

Manuel said...

C.C.L.R.M.W.T.: Splitters

Savannah: they are!!!

Ellie: I knew you'd get it.

medbh: I prefer the corks and the opening the bottle routine. Its my little bit of theatre. As for the C.L.R.M.W.T, well in this country fact is stranger than fiction...

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Radical militant wine-makers - brilliant!! You can just picture them in their stripy shirts and berets:

Rene:Yeu take zee biceecle and go round zee back of zee supermarche.
Claude: But eets dark and Ah 'ave not zee torsh.
Rene: (Sighs) 'Ere, tek zees.
Some fumbling as torch gets caught up in strings of onions round necks of both malcontents.
Claude: Oh forget eet, Rene, you are such a preek. Wait, wot are you doing wiz zat flaming rag and eneurmeus petrrrrol bomb - neu! Yeu feul! We're not ready!!

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Of course i fully understand the grave and serious threat posed by the militant (giggle) vintners.

Wha? I cannie help it, gov!

They should be locked away and be forced to drink Scottish wine with inferior cheeses for the rest of their naturals.

Cracking post, Manwell!

Eddie Waring said...

hasn't seen a white dog turd in years

This is because they have magical healing properties when made into a poultice and applied to bruises, sprains and muscular aches. The big pharmaceutical companies employ the homeless to go around in the small hours collecting and disposing of them. If word gets out, their sales of painkillers will diminish.

Write to you MP/Congressman today and demand action.

Old Knudsen said...

Wine? that's that stuff I drink when theres no alcohol to be had, well as long as its free.

Manuel said...

Sam: HAHAHAHAHA, Like an episode of ALLO ALLO

Mr Waring: I knew it! And where did all the dogs go? As a child I remember lots of dogs....

Old K: Wineo

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