To touch or not to touch? Let me help you...

don't ever touch me, EVER.

Now I think something's in life are just obvious. Saying please and thank you for example. Washing your hands after a pee. Not pissing of the person who will at some point handle your dinner, being a less obvious point, but when you think about it, it's a good call. Here are some more "dont's" that I thought would be obvious but recent weeks have proved me wrong.

Don't seat yourself, ever. Marching through the restaurant and sitting yourself wherever you fancy is just going to piss your waiter off from the start. And for obvious reasons that is best avoided. I will move you to the shittiest table available regardless of whether your current table is reserved or not. You see the sign that reads "PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED"? That applies to you. And don't sit there all huffy wondering where the waiter is with your menus. You sat yourself a-hole, you can take your own order!

Don't ignore your waiter and he won't ignore you. If I come to your table and ask you how it's all going or ask you if you would like some pudding then bloody well answer me. By ignoring me you are just being rude and will have to pay the rude tax. Mmmmmmm doesn't your cappuccino look very creamy! Waiters know the menu better than anyone else, chefs included (cooker monkeys), so if the waiter advises you to get a side order with your pasta special then get it. He knows it's small and it needs something else. It's more than suggestive selling, it's helping. I won't give a h'pennys fuck if you start whinging after the fact. LISTEN TO ME I KNOW EVERYTHING, about the menu.

Don't ever, and I mean ever, think it's cool or acceptable to touch up the staff. If you are Brad Pitt then I'm sure the girls at work wouldn't mind and I'd go as far as to say that Jessica Alba can rub my buns all she wants. But the rest of you knock it off. Particularly if you are a sleazy 50 year old male with an open neck pink shirt on exposing a cheap "gold" chain sitting beside your wife. We all want to feel the bottoms of 19 year old girls, God knows I do, but we don't. We exercise some self control. And when you get pulled for it don't start bitching to the manager about the way the waiter spoke to you. Cock. That actually happened.

touch me
please touch me

Don't cheer or whistle when someone drops a glass. Mistakes happen when people are under pressure and stressed out. Cheering is just so insulting there aren't words. Oh actually there are, it shows you up for the inbred, ill mannered philistine that you are. If you want I could come round to your place of employment and stand behind you in your cubicle with a fog horn and party poppers and let it rip on the first mistake you make. Who's laughing now Mr Brown-Suit man?

Don't take the huff if you and your party of 5 arrive to the restaurant without reservations and are told you will have to wait an hour for a table. Telling me that you are hungry really isn't going to speed things up now is it? The fact that you have arrived at a restaurant suggests to me a level of hunger, so sharing that fact with me is really rather pointless. If I don't have a table, I DON'T HAVE A TABLE! Jesus was a carpenter, I am a waiter. If you need a table you will have to see Him.

Please add these to your notes and check again before you next go out to eat.