Wednesday, 23 May 2007

To touch or not to touch? Let me help you...


don't ever touch me, EVER.

Now I think something's in life are just obvious. Saying please and thank you for example. Washing your hands after a pee. Not pissing of the person who will at some point handle your dinner, being a less obvious point, but when you think about it, it's a good call. Here are some more "dont's" that I thought would be obvious but recent weeks have proved me wrong.

Don't seat yourself, ever. Marching through the restaurant and sitting yourself wherever you fancy is just going to piss your waiter off from the start. And for obvious reasons that is best avoided. I will move you to the shittiest table available regardless of whether your current table is reserved or not. You see the sign that reads "PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED"? That applies to you. And don't sit there all huffy wondering where the waiter is with your menus. You sat yourself a-hole, you can take your own order!

Don't ignore your waiter and he won't ignore you. If I come to your table and ask you how it's all going or ask you if you would like some pudding then bloody well answer me. By ignoring me you are just being rude and will have to pay the rude tax. Mmmmmmm doesn't your cappuccino look very creamy! Waiters know the menu better than anyone else, chefs included (cooker monkeys), so if the waiter advises you to get a side order with your pasta special then get it. He knows it's small and it needs something else. It's more than suggestive selling, it's helping. I won't give a h'pennys fuck if you start whinging after the fact. LISTEN TO ME I KNOW EVERYTHING, about the menu.

Don't ever, and I mean ever, think it's cool or acceptable to touch up the staff. If you are Brad Pitt then I'm sure the girls at work wouldn't mind and I'd go as far as to say that Jessica Alba can rub my buns all she wants. But the rest of you knock it off. Particularly if you are a sleazy 50 year old male with an open neck pink shirt on exposing a cheap "gold" chain sitting beside your wife. We all want to feel the bottoms of 19 year old girls, God knows I do, but we don't. We exercise some self control. And when you get pulled for it don't start bitching to the manager about the way the waiter spoke to you. Cock. That actually happened.


touch me
please touch me


Don't cheer or whistle when someone drops a glass. Mistakes happen when people are under pressure and stressed out. Cheering is just so insulting there aren't words. Oh actually there are, it shows you up for the inbred, ill mannered philistine that you are. If you want I could come round to your place of employment and stand behind you in your cubicle with a fog horn and party poppers and let it rip on the first mistake you make. Who's laughing now Mr Brown-Suit man?

Don't take the huff if you and your party of 5 arrive to the restaurant without reservations and are told you will have to wait an hour for a table. Telling me that you are hungry really isn't going to speed things up now is it? The fact that you have arrived at a restaurant suggests to me a level of hunger, so sharing that fact with me is really rather pointless. If I don't have a table, I DON'T HAVE A TABLE! Jesus was a carpenter, I am a waiter. If you need a table you will have to see Him.

Please add these to your notes and check again before you next go out to eat.

22 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Right, Manuel.
Impulse control is something every adult needs. If not, you're a little brat like Little Miss Manuel gives leg slaps to.
A 50 year-old man pawing a 19 year-old? Gross.

Kav said...

I would like to see a post on how Manuel recommends dealing with the thorny issue of when the food or service is shit.

I know it'd never happen where you work, but it does happen sometimes...

Manuel said...

Kav, its a good question.And Iam glad you asked me. But I have just remembered that I start work and hour earlier than normal, Lionel Ritchie is on tonight so its v busy, and I need to go get ready. I will Blog a full answeer later, or tomorrow, or never. Its hard to say...

Anonymous said...

Manuel - enjoyable blog!

May I ask - are you English or American (or Spanish)?

Cheers

ellie said...

Read and understood SIR!!!!
Lioniel Ritchie eh? Is there a bit of a clue there, for Knudsen, about where you work ?
Meat Loaf in same venue next week and I am going out for dinner before the concert. Now I am really scared! Must read post again!
I wonder does the Manuel moniker come from you being employed at a certain tapas bar?

Manuel said...

My shy/anonymus friend, I am niether. Truth be told I am free from the weight that is nationality. Iam a free spirit taking my roots from where ever I find them. Today Iam Manuel, tomorrow I maybe Shirley, the day after I could be Kung Lei! Ok, I'm Irish...

Thanks for the mention though.

Ellie: No no no! I could never work in somewhere like the Odyssey. And TAPAS? It's not real food! But ..... nah I just cant say anymore. If I did end up serving you, I'd say nothing til the end then slip you a note... or not as the case maybe. I know what you look like...

Manuel said...

Medbh! How you doing tonight? I have the greatest control of all, an arse that i dont want to even touch let alone anyone else! And i loves my little miss...

savannah said...

if you and lmm ever want to move..come here :D you've style and mad skillz, sugar

Medbh said...

Now look, Manuel, I followed you over here to pester you about your famous Irish feminist connection. If you tell me I won't blog about it if you're uncomfortable with it.
I just spent a gruelling two years in front of the computer alone writing about these women.
It's my life at this point. So since I get no one who gives a shit or has any interest in it to talk about it with, it behooves you to share.
dantethelobster@yahoo.com
Many thanks!

EmmaK said...

Ooh Manuel, you've got me all hot and bothered. I love a man with a pot belly, I love a man covered in black fuzz, and I fuckin love big medallions. And you have all three, in spades. You're lucky I don't know what restaurant you work in because I'd have my mitts all over you.

Also, I think about the waiter knowing best about what to order in restaurants may only be true in England, N. Ireland...in the US when they suggest extra sides or appetizers, they are simply trying to make you spend more money, nothing to do with how big the main course is. Because usually half an appetizer would suffice as a meal for a normal person...I'm sure you know what greedy bastards those yanks are.

Fat Sparrow said...

You know you like it when the old men feel you up. Just admit it.

Old Knudsen said...

Irish? for fucks sake take a look to see whos head is on the money the next time you get a tip....at Skandia.

I hate waiters/waitresses asking me if everything is alright just when I've stuffed some food in my face.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

What is the worst thing a customer can do? The very, most absolute, arseholian worst thing? What is the thing that pisses off their waiter the most? Whose soup would you have no compunction peeing in?

Conortje said...

Since I began reading your blog I've become terrified to go to restaurants - I am always polite and respectful but who could have known that refusing a side dish could be considered a faux pas! I think I might have to ask LMM for help on this :-)

Lisa said...

Great blog! Keep up the good work!

Manuel said...

Savannah; You say that now, but you'd regret it in the end...

medbh: loose lips sink ships..

emmak: if you suggest/persuade a customer to over order they will be pissed with you by the end and will reflect that in your tip. Its about building up trust... The phots was me on hols last year, very hairy, very fat, very big fan of Jesus on a beach...

fat sparrow: i'm a waiter, i'll do anything for the cash

old k: It was either english or american, what would you do?

sam: thats a hard one. Verbal tips are shit & rudeness gets me wound up but can be overcome with a good tip. People who change/alter their food then complain that they dont like it, that is a real pisser. I cant really say what the worst thing is, it really depends on the night. But if pushed i would have to say the cunts that arrive, without reservations ten minutes before last orders and then sit for two hours. That fucking hurts...

conortje: you can refuse the side order, there is no problem with that. But if the waiter indicates that a certain dish needs something else cos the chefs a tight wad then its best to believe him!

Public information at it's best

Manuel said...

Cheers Lisa, if that is your real name....

Old Knudsen said...

I have done Yanks and Sassenachs, they aren't as good in bed as Scots are but thanks for asking.

Little Miss Manuel said...

"We all want to feel the bottoms of 19 year old girls, God knows I do, but we don't."

Oh really do we?

Enda P said...

I'm sensing just a little anger in that post. Maybe it's just me? ;)

Manuel said...

Enda, thank you for noticing. I'm okay now, counting to ten and thnking green....

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