"The world is full of crashing bores......"

You know who I find tedious beyond words? The arts crowd that's who. I say crowd but it's more a pool, a vacuous pool so shallow that they couldn't even drown themselves in it should they finally realise they have wasted their lives and see fit to do the right thing. The 2008 Belfast Festival at Queens has been running since the 17th of October and finally finishes on the 1st of November. And thank fuckity fuck for that. The last number of weeks have been spent massaging the egos and stroking the vanity of these pretentious bores.

pogo dick
sorry I meant stick
actually dick is better....

Please don't get me wrong I'm all for the arts, I say more art and less of almost everything else. I love to see the reaction of people when some mad bastard or t'other makes creates a shoe the size of a house out of his own dung and calls it art. I laugh out loud every year when the shortlist for the Turner Prize is announced and the usual tabloid pundits get all hot and bothered under the collar and spout the same old lines of, "I don't know about art but I know what I like blah blah blah...". Art should be challenging and should make you scratch your head. It should force an emotional reaction from even the deadest of souls. The arts should do that, the arts crowd should not.

The arts crowd forces an emotional reaction from me alright, mainly contempt and mockery. Honestly the next horse faced muppet who utters the word, "thee-ay-ter" will get strangled to death with their own silk scarf. And what's with the silk scarves? Jesus wept, it's like they have all read the same guide to going to the theatre -

1. Mandatory silk scarf
   
2. Inability to pronounce everyday words such as theatre.
   
3. Faux English accent.
   
4. Aloofness to the point of being rude.
5. Inappropriate hat, preferably either too large or to small and always with feathers.
   
6. And most important of all, the placing of thee-ay-ter tickets on the table for the world to see.
   

Why they feel the need to put the tickets on the table when they constantly need to be moved to make way for wine and food is beyond me. I had a chap get quite irate the other evening when I plonked a bowl of mash potatoes on top of his tickets to some show or other. I didn't do it deliberately but the tickets had been journeying round the table to make way for variously ordered items and who knew where they were likely to pop up next.

"Careful now young man, we cant have my tickets to tonight's wonderful show ruined now can we? We are going to the thee-ay-ter you know", he blustered whilst trying to save his tickets from the ignominy of being trapped under a bowl of spuds. He gave a little look round the room as he spoke to make sure his words carried far and wide. I'd say if he could have got away with wearing a big flashing neon sign reading, "I'm going to the theatre" he would have.

Twat.

"The thee-ay-ter? You don't say? I would never have guessed. Maybe we could put them in your pocket then?"

And it's not just the right wing Daily Mail reading asylum seeker bothering brigade either that have me gagging on my own tongue, the bothersome hippies on the left are at it as well. In they wander looking for a table without reservations, obviously, whilst reeking of patchouli oil and an over inflated sense of their self worth. Fucking hippies make me want to puke on myself.

"Oh we just want a quick bite of something, we are going to a performance this evening."

They do this funny thing were they half close their eyes when they are talking to at you. They half close their eyes and they drop their head to one side. It's really quite irritating and a little patronising too. But not as irritating and patronising as them trying to be your friend. You see the hippies want to give the impression that they understand the woes of the working man, they feel my pain and all that crapola. That's why they are spending £40.00 to see some idiot on a pogo stick recite the works of some other tortured a-hole.

"He's so edgy. So left field....." So fucking stupid more like.

Everything for the hippies has to be left field or edgy or on a pogo bloody stick. They are easy to serve though mainly because they order bugger all. They like to share, "We'll just put it in the middle and share." Bleurgh! If you want to share try a used needle you total waste of a table. And they tip like they order too, that is say they don't.

Roll on the second of November......

So to summarise this post, I hate everybody today. I may hate everybody tomorrow too, it's really hard to say. If you hate something or somebody or whole groups of people or things then share with the group. It wont really make you feel better but your bitterness will nourish me as I gently rock from side to side atop my bed.

*******

Oh and don't mess with Manuel, any Manuel. Funny though, I haven't heard any apologies to the woman they made the lewd remarks about? Juvenile pricks.