Avoca Cafe & Foodhall Belfast

Review: Cafe

I went to: Avoca Cafe & Foodhall Arthur Street Belfast

On the: 8th of November

For: A quick lunch between shifts

I gorged on: Nothing, not one thing, nowt, zero, bugger all

And it was: Couldn't tell you, I've got no idea if the beautiful looking quiches were just that or if the rare roast beef was as tasty as it was tempting. Who knows? Not me!

The service was: A hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha what service?

It cost me: Nothing but wasted time. I'm not getting any younger and don't have time to waste.

I'll be going back: When the anger subsides and I find myself with a free 8 hours

And so it gets: It gets what I got, nothing......

Other words: Always one to try something new and having enjoyed the Avoca Irish Cookbooks I stormed the stairs to the foodhall of the new Avoca shop with gusto. I bypassed the clothes, the books, the very expensive novelty items and went straight for the food. I had an hour between shifts and wanted to treat myself to something nice for lunch. My normal split lunch consists of crisps, pre packed sandwich, couple of espressos and as many fags as I can smoke without being sick. There were plenty of people milling around the store, more browsing than buying. Avoca don't do cheap.

The food on offer looked fabulous. Lots of fresh baked breads, crisp salads, rare roast beef, rolled stuffed pork, a veritable feast of quiches, pies, and puddings. I was excited. I hopped from one foot to the other as I worked out what I was going to get for lunch. The lady in front of me in the queue had no such problem, she was getting what looked like two of everything. It was taking time but that was okay as I was still deciding between a beef sandwich and some quiche. The chap behind the counter wrapped each sandwich, each pastry topped pie and pudding with an exactitude that had me muttering, "OCD" under my breath. He rang the order up on the register took the payment and turned to me and asked me what I wanted. I said, "I'll have a sandwich please." But apparently he heard," I don't know what I want go ahead and serve somebody else I'll just stand here like a fucking lemon and scratch my fat ass whilst playing 'She'll becoming round the mountain' on my imaginary tin fucking whistle.Thanks." And he did.

Really, I said, "I'll have a sandwich please" to which he said "No problem." That seemed like a clear and reasonable exchange. But then as he was about to put his gloves on he changed his mind and served the old chap beside me! Well you can imagine how my mood had changed from one of excited anticipation to one of puzzlement followed sharply by one of seething anger. "Oh sorry..." he said "I'll be with you in a minute or two."

At first I reluctantly agreed to this shafting but quickly decided that I wasn't going to put with having the sanctity of the queue just abandoned. I counted up the minutes I had already spent in the queue and guessed how long the next punter was likely to take. I didn't have 4 hours to spend getting lunch. So I left, well not without voicing my dissatisfaction first. And as I walked away I could hear the chap behind the counter shouting his apology to me. Too late fella, too late.Oh and in case you are wondering I ended up with a sausage roll from a Spar Shop and a bottle of water. The "meat" in the sausage roll was a florescent red colour which was a bit strange. But back to Avoca, bad work people very bad work.......

This story made me giggle, Miami Airport has turned to the "good" folks at Disney to train it's staff in the art of good customer service.

Miami airport isn't the first to airport to sign up for the specialist training from the Disney Institute. Anyone who has had the great displeasure of having to use Belfast International Airport will know that it's been a Mickey Mouse operation for years. (Bet you didn't see that coming.)

La Boca Belfast - Review

I went to: La Boca, 6 Fountain Street Belfast

On the: 3 October

For: Lunch with Little Miss Manuel

I gorged on: Well let's not over state things. I ordered Wild boar sausages, champ, red onion gravy and the Little Miss ordered Beer-battered cod, chunky chips, mushy peas, sauce tartar. There was little or no gorging.

And it was: The sausages were nice. Eh um what else can I say? I'm struggling. The mash was very over seasoned and the bottled water was warm! Little Miss Manuel was not a happy diner either. Her lunch was small, very small, the fish was over done and lacking in any discernible flavour and substance. If I had to say something positive I would say the food was hot, which was nice I suppose. But that's the only positive thing I can say.

The service was: Probably worse than the food. LMM was offered ketchup with her chips which she indicated that she wanted. We are still waiting for it. Now this happens from time to time I know. We would have asked the waiter for it again but we just couldn't catch his eye. Well how could you when he had his back to the main body of the restaurant most of the time?! The service was surly at best. The waiters never asked us how our food was at any point, there was a lack of effort and care. They offered us no personality or anything that suggested they gave a damn. When he brought my Wild Boar sausages he said "Are you the Boar sir?" Whilst cheeky, I laughed into myself as it's something I would say.

It cost me: £20.00 including tip. Yes yes I know, but it's like an illness with me. I just have to tip. The lunch menu is very well priced. Well it will be when they get the service and things like the seasoning sorted out. The dinner menu is priced from about £12 to £16.00 with appetisers ranging from £4.00 to just under £6.00.

I'll be going back: In about 6 to 8 months. La Boca is still new. I normally don't visit new restaurants within the first 6 months for the simple fact that things are rarely great from the off. It takes time for a new restaurant to bed in and for little problems to get ironed out. Clearly it's a rule I shouldn't be breaking. The guy that owns La Boca, Pedro Donald, has a good record of running successful businesses having being the manager of the hugely popular John Hewitt bar. And I would expect La Boca to be another success for him.

And so it gets: 2 out of 5. That's not good eh. A lack of love, lack of personality, and a lack of flavour.

Other words: The "About" blurb on La Boca's website reads "Named after the vibrant, Bohemian dockside district of Buenos Aires, La Boca is a new restaurant in the heart of Belfast city centre. Located on Fountain Street it is a 3 minute walk from the front of the City Hall past the Linenhall Library. Its high ceiling and solid beech wood furniture create a stunning fifty seater diningroom." Now from reading that you would expect the menu to reflect food from, if not Argentina, then South America in general. That's what I had been expecting. But that ain't what I got. There is lasagne, fish and chips, sausage and mash and all the usual lunchtime food that you can get in any bar/restaurant in Belfast. I was disappointed. There is tapas available in the afternoon but even the dinner menu is devoid of any South American influence. Which is all a bit odd. Why give your restaurant a very specific name and then not carry it through to the menu. There are South American beers and wines though.

Like I say, Pedro has a good reputation and I wish him every success with La Boca, but he needs to define his offering better and gives us some of that famous Latin Spirit, not grumpy waiters from Belfast. It gives me no pleasure to write that by the way...

Oh and on the way home LMM stopped to get a bar of chocolate she was still hungry, and she's only tiny......

Two customers, 5 waiters, 40 wasted pounds - Lunch at Deanes Deli

the seal knows...
...and isn't very happy

Review: Restaurant

I went to: Deanes Deli

On the: 6Th August

For: Lunch with Little Miss Manuel

We ordered: Bread and black olive tapenade to start followed by Portavogie Haddock and Chips with Hilden Ale Batter with mushy peas and tartare sauce for Little Miss Manuel and Sea Bass in a fish broth served with baby boiled potatoes, olives, and tomatoes for me. Sounds great eh?

And it was: Wow, anger and disappointment really are the most apt words for this meal. But then again the Seal of anger and disappointment (S.A.D) gave the game away there. LMM's fish & chips, let's call a spade a spade shall we, was damn poor. The batter was wet and soggy and the fish itself tasteless. Freezer fish would have been preferable. My Sea Bass wasn't as bad but the broth lacked any real discernable flavour but the potatoes, both of them, were nice enough. It was all just very dull....

The service was: Not great. No one asked if everything was OK during our meal. No one asked us if we enjoyed our meal when we finished and sat there with our faces tripping us. Seriously LMM's face was all over the table and half way out the door such was her disappointment. The thing is they never ask you if you enjoyed your food in Deanes. I'm not sure if this is arrogance or just bad service. Nobody engages you in even a snippet of conversation. Hey I don't want to discuss the current situation in the Middle East but hell gimme something! And we never saw the same waiter twice during our meal. This drives me to distraction. It's as if they are saying, "Hey fuck you, we don't care enough to assign a waiter to your table and anyone can do it". And the service charge is included for my convenience, which is thoughtful.

It cost me: £45 or there about' plus the cost of a better lunch the next day...

And I'll be going back: in no hurry. I work hard for the money, so hard for the money and I wont be giving it away cheaply. I probably will go back, one day when the wounds of this lunch have healed*, but no time soon.

And so it gets: 1/5 and that's not good no matter what way you look at it. And it gets that 1 point for the young lady that seated us who was very nice and the bread. But if I wanted nice bread and a nicer lady I could have just stayed at home....

Other words: My meal wasn't that bad and if I had been on my own then this review wouldn't have been half as bad. But the when you go out to eat the "experience" of the meal isn't just whether you enjoyed your meal but whether the table as a whole enjoyed their meal. This is a point I try to make to managers at work when a guest complains. It's not just the complainants experience that is ruined but the people they are dining with thus when we review the bill we should do this for the entire table not just the individual.

I hate being served by numerous different waiters. I want to know that someone is looking after my table. It inevitably leads to a lack of care and that's what allows good customers with good cash to leave unhappy, angry, and disappointed. Michael Deane is one of our leading chefs and has done so much to raise the quality of food served in Belfast and as a result expectations have been raised as well. Needs sorted Mr Deane before your very hard earned reputation suffers any further.


* a little touch of drama there, I'm entitled to it seeing as I have to put up with enough of it at work...

Trust Me I am a Waiter

The Well Done Fillet Seal of Approval

People always ask me where the best places are to eat in Belfast, or what wine compliments a chicken doner kebab the best. They want to know where to get the best local fish and who sells the best cheese. And as master of my own stomach I know the answers to all these questions. So I thought to myself why not share these years of fine eating/drinking (chicken doner kebabs are not fine dining fat boy - LMM) with the group. Now I appreciate that almost nobody from Belfast reads this blog but I will also review wine and stuff that can be bought anywhere, well not your local garage (gas station) but you know what I mean. Each item reviewed will be given a WELL DONE FILLET rating.

Wine
Wine will be rated using the cork system (until I can come up with something more interesting). Five corks meaning you should rush out and get a bottle or you are an idiot. This works on a sliding scale down to one cork. If it is really aftershave or toilet cleaner masquerading as wine it will be "rewarded" accordingly. I am not a wine expert but over the years I have built up enough knowledge to be able to detect when I am getting served blackcurrant juice instead Pinot Noir. If you have tried one of my selections please let me know what you think. And if you could do this with a bottle or two down your neck that would be even better.

Restaurants
Restaurant reviewers are for the most part arseholes. They blather on about details that are quite irrelevant. For example when did you last leave a restaurant complaining that the cutlery wasn't as contemporary as you would have liked? They write reviews that fail to speak to the ordinary diner. A person heading out for dinner wants to know a few simple things, the quality of the food, the quality of the service, the quality of the wine and drinks, and if they are going to get dinner for less than their monthly mortgage. I will offer an overall rating out of five based on the over all enjoyment of the dining "experience", I was trying not use that word! I will also be reviewing, were possible, the other guests. Do you want to go to a restaurants if all the other guests are in velour tracksuits and vest tops? Eh do you? Or if they are horrible alpha types with lots of air kissing and shouting at the waiters. Manuel will give you it all.

As well as the Well Done Fillet Seal of approval there will also be the Well Done Fillet Seal of Anger and Disappointment. I know people prefer to read a good slating than a positive and life affirming review. But suck it up people you will get what I get, good or bad. I will pull no punches nor hide from exposing the mouldy bread. And when the food and service combine as they should to create a great meal I shall roar it for all to hear. It could be fun! LMM is pleased as she we will be going out more. We shall just see how much fun it is as I reenact the Spanish Inquisition on the car ride home.

Is this a case of poacher turned gamekeeper?

First review this week, sometime, not sure when...

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