I'm so proud...and drunk..and skint...but proud

Pint of Harp mate
school was a bitch today...

What would you spend ₤47,000 on? A flash car? Put it towards a holiday home in Donegal? Invest it for the kiddies future? Well if you are from Belfast you will probably piss it down the toilet or throw it up outside the pub! Nice.

A report published by the alcohol awareness and rehabilitation website Perry Clayman Project has revealed that people in Belfast spend ₤47,000 on booze over the period of their lives. This is more than anywhere else in the UK. Cambridge came a piss(ed) poor second with a paltry spend of £40,939. Wimps.

The top ten pished cities

1. Belfast
2. Cambridge
3. Leeds
4. Leicester
5. Manchester
6. London
7. Sheffield
8. Bristol
9. Aberdeen
10. Cardiff

Makes you proud eh? We may not have won our bid for European City of Culture but we won the fight after. Now when you think about how many God botherers there are in Belfast who prefer a big pint of Jesus to a pint of harp(ic) it really means that the rest of us are spending even more than the ₤47,000. The next bar to my restaurant had a "healthy" queue outside it at half ten this morning which is testament to the reports findings.

But don't rush to condemn us too quickly. What else was there to do over the last three decades? We only got some decent shops in which to spent our beer tokens, sorry I mean money, in a few years ago. A wander round Belfast "City" centre a few years back would have lasted but 15 minutes, unless you were captivated by the C&A range of smart casuals. And what past times we indulged in as a people were no good unless you were off your mind on a bottle of Buckfast or a four pack of Special Brew. Have you ever rioted sober? I think not!

All joking aside, when you consider that earnings in the North of Ireland are amongst the lowest in the UK this report isn't good reading. My boss was chirpier today though as he greeted the booze hounds who keep him in BMW style.

Does that mean I work in a very successful industry? Should I be getting paid more? Am I sober now?

That "Friday" Feeling

show some decorum you tosser
its only a Friday

Never had it. Never really knew the joy of finishing work at 4 on a Friday safe in the knowledge that I wouldn't be back to work until Monday. Your Friday is my Monday, if you know what I mean.

But this weekend is different. I'm off Saturday and Sunday and I have every intention of ripping the arse clean out of it. This will be my first Saturday off this year. I will tell you this is due to my dedication to the job and all that jazz, others will say that I am a tip whore who can't bear to be off on a Saturday. Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. You can keep your cash this weekend, I'm spending mine.

The plans are as follows...

...Saturday morning will start early-ish and after the customary ablutions I shall off myself to the corner shop and purchase my Saturday Guardian, and all the required products for a fry up. A little time shall be set aside in the morning to lavish love and hugs on Little Miss Manuel. But as soon as Football Focus starts the love shutters will be slammed shut and I shall immerse myself in the "magic" of the FA Cup.

Many cigarettes shall be smoked and a bottle or two of cider shall be quaffed whilst watching the match, a match that shall see the Red Shirted chaps of Manchester United reign supreme.

Following a victory lap of the backyard and much texting and phoning of non-United supporting friends I shall begin the ritual for going out, showering, yes 2 showers in one day, shaving, plucking nasal hair, changing 2/3 times, and swearing as LMM hasn't arrived. Then its off to one of Belfast's finer restaurants for a beautiful evening of fine food, wine, and G&T's. The gamekeeper turns poacher if you will.

We then will retire to a local hostelry for a few more beverages and civilised chit chat inevitably ending up at about three o'clock in the morning face down in the bathroom in a pool of my own piss and vomit.

if I don't end up like this chap
I shall be very disappointed indeed

Sunday will be a quiet day of reflection, and most probably self loathing. But Little Miss Manuel's blog will go live at some point on Sunday so we have to get up at a reasonable time. I know its what you want so like a good waiter I shall serve it for you with a basket of bread and a smile.

She will be offering an Agony Aunt type of service and will volunteer her expert knowledge on you and your lives whether you want it or not. It's all so exciting, who will be first to get a gold star on the star chart? Who will be on the naughty step first? Anybody who needs advice just send her an email. I promise not to get involved, much.

Just one more twelve hour shift to go.

it's been 3 months since I've had one of these
3 long, dry months

Tally ho...