Do not confuse your waiter with your lawyer, Priest, or Doctor

loose lips sink ships & provide the waiters with something to talk about

Waiters, to my knowledge, have never had to sign confidentiality agreements. We aren't like Priests, Lawyers, or Doctors in that respect. If we over hear a great bit of gossip you can bet your ass we are going to share it. If we only get half the story we will, as sure as shit, add to it and construct our own story which we will attach to you with the evidence we have to hand. We are unlikely to let the truth get in the way of a good gossip.

I know you expect more from me, as the consummate professional that I am. I know you would think that I would be above all that. How wrong you are! I love it as much as the next waiter. Seriously, nothing breaks the boredom of all that standing about, waiting, than a good gossip. Sometimes you only get a snippet of information but that may be enough to change the way we view you for the rest of your meal.

Some one might walk past and whisper "table 4, affair' ohhh, or "table 12, married and gay" get out, "table 2, she's crying and he doesn't care" bastard. And on it goes. If all of a sudden you find 3 different waiters visiting your table in quick succession then you can bet they are over to check you out on the back of something they have been told about you.

Here's a conversation I over heard a few years ago. I didn't have to strain to hear what they were talking about, but given the subject matter maybe a little caution should have been exercised.

Two ladies sitting at a table waiting for a third guest to arrive. I was presenting the wine and they were chatting about an unnamed lady.

Manuel: "Madam your bottle of Bin 555 Shiraz." I take a step back from the table and begin to open the bottle. If it goes quiet I usually blather a bit about the wine or something else less dull. But on this occasion they carried on their conversation so I stood mute and got about my work.

Snarly Face Lady(SFL): "Yes, yes that's fine. What were you saying?"

Lady in Bad Dress(LBD):" ...Oh yeah he has it now too, all over his...you know...man bits." This is followed by childish laughter, snickering, and mock horror by both

Manuel, maintaining my professional decorum: "Now madam, would you like to taste?" I was trying to hide the little smirk on my face.

SFL: "Yes, go ahead. Oh. My. God. that's hideous, what a dirty, dirty pair!"

By now I am all ears.

I pour a little for her to taste, she approves and I continue to pour her and her friends glass. But they don't wait for me to go and carry on...

LBD: "God, but she HAS always been like that. Remember in school? "

SFL: "I know, I know, dirty tramp. So you think that's why he dropped her?"

LBD: "Yeah, got to be isn't it!"

Just then a slight and not unattractive lady approaches the table (walking a bit funny).

Together the two ladies stand up and greet her arms outstretched, all sympathy and "love". I wait for a moment to see if the new lady needs anything, a drink, crab spray etc. This is normal practice, the drink thing that is, I wasn't just lurking at the table.

LBD:"I was just saying about you and Geoff splitting up.Awh what happened then?"

I made my way from the table bursting with excitement looking for someone to tell. I wasn't concerned about crab ass lady, more about her two bitch friends. Believe me that story got round the building quicker than, well, crabs in a brothel.

Be warned, we talk....