"Ask not what your waiter can do for you...
...ask what you can do for your waiter"
"Ich bin ein Waiter"Here's some things you can do for your waiter now that you ask......
Book in advance. Waiters cant handle surprises, surprises like you and your five friends twenty minutes before closing. In this era of wondrous communication you really have no excuse.
Turn up on time. See above, communication, surprises blah blah blah. Also if you arrive late the waiter WILL use it against you all night. "Waiter my steak is overcooked." Yup and you were late so we're even.
Have some inkling where you are. I mean does it look like we do pizza and burgers? The moment you call the waiter over and ask for a quarter pounder with extra cheese and a side of onion rings you are signing you own death warrant. Ok maybe not death warrant but the waiter will give up on you at this point and that means your night out becomes a whole new and very different experience. Google your restaurant before stepping out.
Read the menu. Please read the menu. If there is a dish served in a wonderfully spicy chilli sauce then you should go ahead and assume that the dish is intended to be a spicy one and any attempt to remove the chilli element will render the dish dull. If you don't like plum chutney or if nuts make you die then my advice is don't bloody order the meal with those things in there. Chef does the cooking, you do the eating. Lets leave it like that shall we? Oh and if you don't see it, don't order it.
Trust the waiter. He knows stuff and things. Stuff and things like what goes best with noodles. Mashed potato doesn't go with noodles. If he makes a face like he is chewing on a shit covered shoe then he is trying to tell you something, maybe the fish pie isn't up to it today. The waiter isn't out to screw you over, quite the opposite, he wants to love you, he wants to make you happy. So tear down your walls of suspicion and cynicism and let the waiter help you.
Tell the waiter. Don't keep secrets from your waiter. We don't like secrets or surprises or ambushes either whilst we are at it. With that in mind when the waiter asks, and a good waiter will and I'm sure a few bad ones too, "Hey is everything good for youguys folks?" you need to respond truthfully. Saving it to the end and acting the martyr doesn't help me to help you. And clearing your plate and then whinging you didn't like it doesn't work with me anymore. It did when I was a wittle waiter, but I'm older now (and bigger) and I don't fall for such nonsense anymore. So come on, don't be shy, just spit it out. Not literally of course.
Have some decorum. Honestly I shouldn't have to go over this at your age, your mummy and daddy should have done all those years ago. Eat with you mouth closed, please, please for the love of the little guy in the manger please close it up. I saw the food arrive on the lovely lorry. I saw the chefs cut it, craft it, cook it and plate it. I served it. I have followed the process as much as I want to, the rest is up to you and it's a one player game. SO SHUT IT! Burping, farting, picking, and scratching anything below the waste line is inappropriate in your own front room so don't do it in my dining room. And no track suits are not considered proper dining attire, especially the hideous velour numbers that seem to a la mode these days.
Keep it in perspective. So the tuna was overcooked and our spuds are harder than Tony Soprano. First thing to do is breathe. Flying off the handle, no matter how serious and legitimate your complaint may be, will get you no where. I know it's difficult but you must resist the urge to start swearing and shouting. If you take this route you can expect to meet resistance all the way, and you will leave unhappy. Your waiter is your best hope of having the situation redeemed. So don't be blaming us or getting shirty. I'll happily forgo your tip if it means I get to fuck you over. Seriously drop the anguished, 'I'm just about to cry' look. There's no need for partners and dining guests to hold your hand through the, supposed, pain of it all.
Be in your seat. If I bring your food out and you ain't there I'm just gonna bloody leave it. If it goes cold that's your look out. You ordered it, the chef made it, I served it. So it would be chuffing well nice if you could be at the table and not out smoking when the food arrives. And if the call of another Marlboro Light is so strong that you cant wait then tell me. I know how it feels. I'll happily get chef to hold it for you. It annoys them so I'm all for it.
Give us a clue. Are you done? Eh? No, seriously. I have no idea, there's a bit of uneaten cow loitering on your plate and your cutlery is in the twenty to four position. Does that mean you are done or are you taking a break to discuss the latest "fab" YouTube video? I DON'T KNOW! Help me to help you! Push your plate away from you a little, put your cutlery together and relax. Your waiter willpounce on you be with you presently.
Leave quickly taking all your stuff. Finished? Bill paid? Please get out. I don't mean to be rude but I need that table back/want to go home. We've had a blast, you enjoyed the food and my cheeky chappie service. You paid and tipped with the generosity that makes me want to serve you again with glee, now don't ruin it. Don't overstay your welcome. Don't have me to make you up a rent book.
Turn up on time. See above, communication, surprises blah blah blah. Also if you arrive late the waiter WILL use it against you all night. "Waiter my steak is overcooked." Yup and you were late so we're even.
Have some inkling where you are. I mean does it look like we do pizza and burgers? The moment you call the waiter over and ask for a quarter pounder with extra cheese and a side of onion rings you are signing you own death warrant. Ok maybe not death warrant but the waiter will give up on you at this point and that means your night out becomes a whole new and very different experience. Google your restaurant before stepping out.
Read the menu. Please read the menu. If there is a dish served in a wonderfully spicy chilli sauce then you should go ahead and assume that the dish is intended to be a spicy one and any attempt to remove the chilli element will render the dish dull. If you don't like plum chutney or if nuts make you die then my advice is don't bloody order the meal with those things in there. Chef does the cooking, you do the eating. Lets leave it like that shall we? Oh and if you don't see it, don't order it.
Trust the waiter. He knows stuff and things. Stuff and things like what goes best with noodles. Mashed potato doesn't go with noodles. If he makes a face like he is chewing on a shit covered shoe then he is trying to tell you something, maybe the fish pie isn't up to it today. The waiter isn't out to screw you over, quite the opposite, he wants to love you, he wants to make you happy. So tear down your walls of suspicion and cynicism and let the waiter help you.
Tell the waiter. Don't keep secrets from your waiter. We don't like secrets or surprises or ambushes either whilst we are at it. With that in mind when the waiter asks, and a good waiter will and I'm sure a few bad ones too, "Hey is everything good for you
Have some decorum. Honestly I shouldn't have to go over this at your age, your mummy and daddy should have done all those years ago. Eat with you mouth closed, please, please for the love of the little guy in the manger please close it up. I saw the food arrive on the lovely lorry. I saw the chefs cut it, craft it, cook it and plate it. I served it. I have followed the process as much as I want to, the rest is up to you and it's a one player game. SO SHUT IT! Burping, farting, picking, and scratching anything below the waste line is inappropriate in your own front room so don't do it in my dining room. And no track suits are not considered proper dining attire, especially the hideous velour numbers that seem to a la mode these days.
Keep it in perspective. So the tuna was overcooked and our spuds are harder than Tony Soprano. First thing to do is breathe. Flying off the handle, no matter how serious and legitimate your complaint may be, will get you no where. I know it's difficult but you must resist the urge to start swearing and shouting. If you take this route you can expect to meet resistance all the way, and you will leave unhappy. Your waiter is your best hope of having the situation redeemed. So don't be blaming us or getting shirty. I'll happily forgo your tip if it means I get to fuck you over. Seriously drop the anguished, 'I'm just about to cry' look. There's no need for partners and dining guests to hold your hand through the, supposed, pain of it all.
Be in your seat. If I bring your food out and you ain't there I'm just gonna bloody leave it. If it goes cold that's your look out. You ordered it, the chef made it, I served it. So it would be chuffing well nice if you could be at the table and not out smoking when the food arrives. And if the call of another Marlboro Light is so strong that you cant wait then tell me. I know how it feels. I'll happily get chef to hold it for you. It annoys them so I'm all for it.
Give us a clue. Are you done? Eh? No, seriously. I have no idea, there's a bit of uneaten cow loitering on your plate and your cutlery is in the twenty to four position. Does that mean you are done or are you taking a break to discuss the latest "fab" YouTube video? I DON'T KNOW! Help me to help you! Push your plate away from you a little, put your cutlery together and relax. Your waiter will
Leave quickly taking all your stuff. Finished? Bill paid? Please get out. I don't mean to be rude but I need that table back/want to go home. We've had a blast, you enjoyed the food and my cheeky chappie service. You paid and tipped with the generosity that makes me want to serve you again with glee, now don't ruin it. Don't overstay your welcome. Don't have me to make you up a rent book.
