Bravado? Machismo? Not me I'm afraid. (Very afraid!)
"YES YOU ARE!"
"I'm not. Forget about it. Please just take me down."
So there I was, at just after 12pm on a Sunday lunchtime, standing on a tiny cage that was being dangled over the River Lagan from a bloody great big crane. I DID NOT sign up for this. I was more than happy to collect money for charity, when it comes to badgering people for cash I'm your man. When it comes to daredevil acts of bravado and machismo I am very definitely not your man. I see myself in more a supporting role on such days. You need your coat held, I'll hold it. You need a photograph taken as you bungee for the disabled, I will be to capture your Kodak moment. I am not a jumper, a zipper, or a diver. I wont play football, pool, or even poker. These facts are not new. I have always known this.
With all this in mind, how for the love of Jesus did I find myself in a bloody basket/cage very high off the ground with 3 young crazy/zany people and one jolly Scottish person? I try very hard to avoid both jolly and zany people at all times. The event was titled "ZIP ACROSS THE LAGAN". The clue was in the title. What did I think I was going to be doing, paddling a canoe (Which by the way I wouldn't do either). But the jolly Scottish chap was having none of my protestations.
"C'mon now laddie, you are a man aren't you? Stop all this nonsense, you wont impress the girls like this." As if I fucking cared about impressing the ladies, and questioning my manhood was a non-fucking-starter too. I just wanted down on sweet sweet terra firma again.
"I cant do this, honestly it ain't gonna happen"
"All right lad, stand to the side and let this man go first."
If I hadn't been so terrified I would have deep fried Jock McTavish's Mars bar at that point. And stand to the side? WHERE?
So the first guy went and it was all very impressive I'm sure. I saw nothing as I was busy focusing on my shoes.
"Here laddie hold this." says the jolly Jock bastard handing me a rope.
"Eh what am I holding?"
" What the fuck...."
"Of you go, 1,2,3" and with that the jolly fat bastard kicked me off the basket.
"Ah Jesus Christ. I'm gonna get youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu."
My threat was pointless but half of Belfast heard it. And within seconds it was over.
Now I'm very glad I raised some decent money for a cancer charity. But when people say "Well aren't you glad you done it? and the even more pointless " You over come your fears! Well done!" I just want to poke them in the eye and say "NO I'M NOT FUCKING GLAD I DONE IT. NOT GLAD AT ALL. AND MY FEAR OF HEIGHTS IS VERY FUCKING FIRMLY HERE TO SAY YOU BASTARDS."
And I did. Three ironic cigarettes and 2 double espressos later I was just about right again. I shall never ever do that again.
Cheers Austin, bloody love em. Keep em coming folks....
With all this in mind, how for the love of Jesus did I find myself in a bloody basket/cage very high off the ground with 3 young crazy/zany people and one jolly Scottish person? I try very hard to avoid both jolly and zany people at all times. The event was titled "ZIP ACROSS THE LAGAN". The clue was in the title. What did I think I was going to be doing, paddling a canoe (Which by the way I wouldn't do either). But the jolly Scottish chap was having none of my protestations.
"C'mon now laddie, you are a man aren't you? Stop all this nonsense, you wont impress the girls like this." As if I fucking cared about impressing the ladies, and questioning my manhood was a non-fucking-starter too. I just wanted down on sweet sweet terra firma again.
"I cant do this, honestly it ain't gonna happen"
"All right lad, stand to the side and let this man go first."
If I hadn't been so terrified I would have deep fried Jock McTavish's Mars bar at that point. And stand to the side? WHERE?
So the first guy went and it was all very impressive I'm sure. I saw nothing as I was busy focusing on my shoes.
"Here laddie hold this." says the jolly Jock bastard handing me a rope.
"Eh what am I holding?"
" What the fuck...."
"Of you go, 1,2,3" and with that the jolly fat bastard kicked me off the basket.
"Ah Jesus Christ. I'm gonna get youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu."
My threat was pointless but half of Belfast heard it. And within seconds it was over.
Now I'm very glad I raised some decent money for a cancer charity. But when people say "Well aren't you glad you done it? and the even more pointless " You over come your fears! Well done!" I just want to poke them in the eye and say "NO I'M NOT FUCKING GLAD I DONE IT. NOT GLAD AT ALL. AND MY FEAR OF HEIGHTS IS VERY FUCKING FIRMLY HERE TO SAY YOU BASTARDS."
And I did. Three ironic cigarettes and 2 double espressos later I was just about right again. I shall never ever do that again.
Cheers Austin, bloody love em. Keep em coming folks....
