Touché

For one reason or another I decided to give the frenetic to-ing and fro-ing of the main restaurant a miss tonight. Instead I chose the more relaxed salubrious surroundings of the private dining room. This decision was in no way influenced by the early booking, 6pm, that would afford me the opportunity to skip away before 9pm. Some people are just so cynical.......

So there I was in the private room with a very dapper table of 18. They were just so lovely, polite and friendly and used words I had assumed were long lost such as "please" and "thank you". They handled themselves with class and civility whilst at the same time being relaxed and clearly enjoying themselves.

No one was in a hurry. Not I. Not them. The kitchen was screaming for the order but poohy to them! They were just in a grump because they had their TV taken out and were forced to listen to the football via the very worst radio in the world. It's clogged with years of flour, grease, steak and many many fishes.

But after a while all 18 had finally arrived and the first round of drinks had been served I approached the table to recite the soup and specials. The table went quiet. That's always a great help! And a good sign of the people you are dealing with.

"Good evening folks, I hope you are all well this evening."

There were pleasant smiles from the attentive group.

"Todays soup is cream of asparagus and todays special is, apart from me, ...." pause for ripple of laughter. They liked that one. Yes yes I know it's a terrible line but it gets them laughing which is what I want.

"....todays other special is some beautiful baked salmon with cress and dill ....WHAT THE?" and at that the room burst into laughter. The lady to the side of me had reached out and grabbed a big slice of my sugarloaf!

I was shocked!

Her husband was shocked!

The rest of the room wasn't so shocked as they saw her reach around.

It took five whole minutes before the room quietened down so I could recite the special again. Sometimes I do set myself up for these things. Who's special now then eh?!

Touché my dear touché.......

Not that I'm counting but that's three sugarloaf assaults in two weeks.
Rumors that I love it are of course strongly denied by me.

Manuel and the sorely deluded lady.....

me

A lady touched my bottom on Friday night. There I've said it. It's good to get that out, to admit it, to start dealing with it.

It wasn't as a result of a swinging arm, leaving us both embarrassed and apologising at the same time. She hadn't mistaken it for a comfortable cushion that she wanted to rest against. She hadn't mistaken me for her boyfriend or Brad Pitt or someone else.

No she meant to do it, and she meant to do it to me.

She purposely reached down and helped herself to a slice of Manuel's sugarloaf. She did it in the way people do when they are checking to see how fresh melons are in the supermarket. If she had bent down to sniff it I would have reacted quite badly. She took a big healthy pinch/grab of my bum. I'm not sure she meant to get as much of it as she had planned but there you go. If you set out to grab a slice you need to be prepared to get a big helping. (Am I still talking about my arse? I'm lost)

Crikey!

It has to be said I didn't react well.

She had wandered over to me as I was hovering around the register pretending to do something and chatting with one of the overlords. She wanted to thank me for a great night and all that sort of stuff. She stepped right into my personal space thanked me, and then....well you know what she did, lets not go over it again. I instantly went red. I could feel my face burning in seconds. She lingered there for a moment. I think she was waiting for me to react, and react I did. I got the hell out of there. I moved quick sharpish round behind the bar area. I figured I was safe with a whole bar between us. I'm not sure this is the reaction she was looking for. Hell I'm not sure what she wanted at all.

You see folks I'm not used to being touched up by attractive women. Not including Little Miss Manuel who has free reign when it comes to my bottom. I feel much more at home with 40 and 50 year old women. I know how to flirt with them and it just be harmless fun. It's what waiters are expected to do. For example tonight I was kissed twice and man handle once by three women well into their 50's, and it didn't make me go a bit red! But younger women are not my territory at all. And I'm not normally on the radar of younger women either. So it all came as a shock it has to be said.

After I had done my little shimmy round the bar away from the clutches of the bum toucher I started babbling and was practically incoherent. I think she lost interest at this point and realised I was just a big fat fakey flirt. She said a final thanks and goodbye. I stood there for a moment until my face had returned to it's usual peaky colour and then ran to the kitchen to share my news with MEN. I knew they would appreciate it. All I got was , "Drunk was she?"

Bubble bursting bastards. LMM wasn't too taken either with my ass grabbing news either....