Quarter to 3 in the morning is dinner time

It glows!!
That can't be good for you can it?

One of the results of working the peculiar hours/shifts that I, and anyone who works shifts, is that it fucks something shocking with your eating schedule. People assume that because you work in a restaurant you spend your time eating steak stuffed with lobster wrapped in chicken. Well I don't. I wish I could but I don't. And by "people" I mean taxi drivers. Tonight was another tremendous ride home. "Here mate, you must get til eat lats of steak all the time eh steak all the time wah." said tonight's Travis Bickle. He continued with, "If I worked der I'd be stuffing me bake wi big sirloins and chicken and.....more steaks. I love food." As long as it's chicken or beef eh big fella.

He just wouldn't believe me when I told him we get less than dick all for food at work. Well ok that's not exactly true, we get burger and chips, chicken goujons and chips, chips with your choice of sauce added, naked chips (vegetarian option), or a bowl of soup. I'm not complaining but steak wrapped in chicken and stuffed with truffles it ain't! Head chefs are accountants with aprons, nothing goes for nothing.

I usually forego the sensory delights that are staff "meals". I swear, you piss a chef off once he will get his own back 50 fold with your staff meal. You can be handed a burger that by all appearances is delicious looking and tempting but if you look closer you find it contains added ingredients. Added ingredients such as "fur" from behind the fridge, crap from beside the fryer, and what is best described only as male DNA are all regular special add-on's for me. Those guys and their mischievous ways, oh how we laugh at the various ways they try to kill me.

But foregoing food on a 12 hour shift leads to grumpiness. Grumpiness leads to fighting with chefs which leads to bad staff meals which leads to the foregoing of staff meals which, well you get the point. It's a vicious circle of food denial and grumpiness. I'm not proud of it but sometimes, just sometimes, I have been known to sample some of the food returned by customers. Not the food from their plate but from their side dish. Don't judge me, you don't know the hunger. I'm a chap that enjoys his food, and occasionally yours too.

All this leads to me eating late at night. I like to sit down and enjoy my food without interruptions. There is nothing worse than some being asked a stream of ridiculous questions as you try to shovel your food down your neck before the chef discovers that you have had it away with a rib eye steak. No I like my food free from Nazi Chefs, phone calls, and customers, and most importantly free from "added extras". But this leads to late night eating and that isn't good for an already rotund chap. Why can't you get a healthy salad with a light dressing and granary bread delivered at 2 in the morning? Why?

I end up eating kebabs, curries both Indian and Chinese, pizza, burgers, fish and chips, sausage and chips, bacon sandwiches and well all sorts of crap. I go through phases of trying not to order takeaway after work. I make fresh soup and curries that I can heat up when I get home. I ensure that the fridge is teaming with quality food stuffs but sometimes I have no energy for late night culinary challenges. I knew I was ordering too frequently from my local Chinese takeaway when they named their third son after me.

Take today for example. I had a buttered bagel for breakfast (or was it lunch, I didn't get up until 12pm) and didn't eat again until half eleven tonight. I had a large doner kebab with chilli chips and a Tandoori chicken side dish. I call it the Monday marvel, mmmmmmmmmarvellous. I had no appetite for the rest of the day after my breakfast bagel. I couldn't have eaten even if I had wanted to. And it's been like this for as long as I can remember.

But what am I to do? I am all at one with my rotund/cuddly physique. It's what I am, I'm cuddly and I'm proud. But when does one stop becoming cuddly and just become a fat fuck? It's a fine line between pleasantly plump and morbidly obese. I'm getting worried, there world doesn't need/want a second fat Manuel......

Another Manuel
not this Manuel.....

Giants Causeway - Quality, but needs a ski lift, non-slip mats, free helmets, etc etc

*with a few minor alterations that is...

Review: World Heritage Site

I went to: The Giants Causeway. A natural pavement of huge rocks projecting into the Atlantic Ocean/A Causeway linking Ireland and Scotland created by Finn MacCool (local giant, deceased).

On the: 25th of July

For: An afternoon of walking around peculiar shaped rocks and all that sort of thing. I had never been before which is a bit of a disgrace so I thought I better make an appearance.

I discovered: Peculiar shaped rocks and all that sort of thing, tourists from all over the world, that I am much more of a city person than I thought, and that I am not as fit as I used to be. (When were you that fit? - LMM)

death rocks...

And it was: Whacky! It really does look strange. The rocks are so geometrically similar you would swear they were made by hand.

The amenities were: From the 1980's, I swear I saw Limahl from 80's poopergroup Kajagoogoo, in the toilets. The gift shop had some nice overpriced "stuff" but there was also an audio visual display section which gives you the history and mythology of the rocks. Or you could just go down to the rocks.

It cost me: Very little it has to be said. They get you with the car park charges £5.00 and a quid for the audio/visual tour, and another £1.00 for the bus back again. Let's be honest I would have paid ten times that to get back up the hill. LMM packed a picnic which all came from Marks & Spencer's so that was the dearest part of the day. The gift shop do know how to charge, but I still got a jar of jam, raspberry and rhubarb, for £2.50. (Worth it)

And I'll be going back: Eh um when I have to take American visitors. Or when they get the escalator put in. I am a city person, this outing confirmed that. But it was worth going to, it is quite fascinating, if a litter dangerous.

Other words: "The Causeway formed 60 Million years ago as a result of volcanic eruptions. The lava cooled and hardened, it formed layers of basalt rock to become the Giant’s Causeway. You can see approximately 40,000 columns of basalt rock today." That's the scientific view.

OR...

"Long ago, an Irish giant named Finn MacCool roamed the north coast, where he could look across the narrow sea of Moyle to Scotland. A Scottish giant, Benandonner, was Finn’s greatest rival, challenging his strength and reputation.

As the two giants had never met, Finn decided to invite Benandonner to Ireland, to engage in a decisive battle. There was no boat large enough to carry giants, so Finn built a causeway of huge stones across the water so that the Scottish giant could travel on dry land; thus he would have no excuse to avoid the confrontation.

However, as big Ben approached, Finn realised to his horror that his opponent was a larger and more fearsome rival than he anticipated. He fled to his home in the nearby hills, and like any sensible man, asked his wife for advice. Oonagh, a practical woman, disguised Finn as a baby, complete with large night gown and bonnet. She placed him in a huge, hastily made cradle, telling him to keep quiet and pretend to sleep, as Benandonner’s great shadow darkened the door. Oonagh brought the Scottish giant in for tea, pleading with him not to waken Finn’s child, Looking at the massive ‘baby’ lying in the cradle, Benandonner took fright, saying that if this was the child, he had no wish to meet the father. He fled back to Scotland, ripping up the Causeway behind him, terrified that the awful Finn might follow him home." That's the Creationist/Tourist Board interpretation. And it's a great story.

And who am I to complain about it? It's been round for millions of years and huge numbers of people from all over the world have visited the rock formations. The walk down to the rocks is lovely, walking hand in hand with your love. The wind blowing your hair, or where your hair used to be. But I cant be the only one to notice that it is as dangerous as rock climbing in bare feet. Let me tell you if you slip on the rocks you are in danger of loosing a mouthful of teeth, an eye, and having your shins smashed into a thousand pieces. I shit you not. It's slippy, the stones are sharp, and the wind coming off the Atlantic does it's bit to mess with your stability.

Now these problems are solvable. Here is the WellDoneFillet solution:

1. A ski lift/Escalator would help the more rotund visitor access the Causeway. This is a good investment for the future as we are all gonna get lovely and fat(ter).
2. Bean bags, scatter cushions, soft padding everywhere thus protecting those of us who cant walk ten paces without falling down.
3. If this is a move too far then I suggest knee and shin pads with matching elbow pads and helmets. Oh and a mouth guard to protect your pearly yellows, sorry I mean pearly whites.
   
4. Offer helicopter/balloon rides over the rocks. Now that would save all sorts of "man" energy.
5. Or I could get fit and lose some weight. Ha ha ha ha that's just daft, God I crack me up, lose some weight... brilliant.
   

And so it gets: Oh it gets a 5 out of 5 for the rocks, quality rocks. They really are impressive. The visitor centre etc needs a total overhaul and a decent coffee offering, not Starbucks, but something decent all the same. They should look at my suggestions for improvement because let's be honest I ain't gonna be running marathons anytime soon.

stunning but deadly much like the ex-wife...