I have never seen The Goonies or any Indiana Jones movies.
I have never played a guitar or shot an animal.
I have never mooned in the street. Actually I have never mooned anywhere.
I have never read the Da Vinci Code and I never will.
I have never mowed a lawn.
"You've never seen The Goonies?", they say, their little faces contorted with bewilderment as if I was an alien from another planet/some sort of weirdo and they wander away clasping at their fat swollen tums tums in some sort of Goonies ritual.
I mean given the opportunity I would love to shoot someone playing a guitar, I'm looking at you here Jonny Buckland lead guitarist for Coldplay. But the chance has yet to reveal itself to me. I would love to float round the stratosphere looking down on the Earth but alas I am not a multi billionaire and I'm not so sure I would quite trust the Russians anyway. I mean it would be like going to space in a Ford Cortina. I would love to eat at El Bulli, gorging on the finest food by the finest chefs. But again, as I have mentioned, I am not a wealthy man. There are things we all want to do but cant because we aren't Bill Bloody Gates, actually there are lots of things we cant do because of Bill Gates.
But when life rolls you a hard eight I say bloody well go for it, watch that movie, mow that lawn, moon that ass.
I had a lady in for dinner last week, who had never eaten fish. That's right she had never eaten fish in her whole life. Not one forkful. I was amazed.
"Not even as much as a fish finger?", I asked with the bewilderment of a Goonies fan.
"You've never had fish and chips or salmon or tuna? Not even a tuna sandwich?"
"Are you allergic to fish? Maybe a bit squeamish about fish?"
"No, just never really fancied it."
So I spent the next five minutes convincing her about the delight that is our seabass and how super scrummy it is with some simple garlic roasted potatoes on the side. I explained how it is cooked and what the flavours are like. Hell I even roped in Waiter Chum Number One for added back up. Her husband egged her on. I offered to get her something else, quickly, if she didn't like it and free of charge at that.
She went quiet as she pondered her options.
I went quiet as she pondered her options.
Her husband used his cutlery to beat out a drum roll. There was no real need but it did add to the suspense.
"I'll have the pork thanks."
I was deflated, so much so in fact that I swapped sections and let somebody else serve them. Okay it was her choice and her cash but c'mon!
Never eaten fish eh? How frightfully odd.
So what "ordinary" food have you never eaten?
Veggies don't count.......obviously.