So Heston Blumenthal's Fat Duck restaurant has had to close, albeit temporarily, due to numerous cases of VD. A story broken by this legend here. Ooops sorry, that should read V and D, vomiting and diarrhea. Crikey, that's not so good. The nation is of course divided at this sudden and shocking turn of events at the gastronomic holy place famed, as it is, for plates of snail porridge and sautéed monkey fingers. After some particularly in depth polling I can reveal some people are aghast and saddened at the news.
"I am aghast and actually now that I come to think of it I'm saddened too", said Stephen Butterbee-Tohill (42), a middle manager from Carryduff. "It's a 911 moment for the food world. Things will never be the same again. No, No, my partner and I have never been. But we do eat a lot of organic food and Sara insists on only eating free range chicken. Mr Blumenthal's body of culinary work has been an inspiration to us......", droned Mr Butterbee-Tohill for a good twenty minutes before finally finishing with, "Well must dash, this organic chickpea and mung bean soup wont cook itself."
Others surveyed by staff from the Well Done Fillet Random Survey and Pointless Vox Pop Department were less upset by this apparently dramatic day in culinary history.
Lizzy Lipton (age withheld), a classroom assistant from North Belfast was one of those less upset. "I'm nat really upset at all about it. Who was it again?". When asked if she had ever eaten at the Fat Duck she replied, "Oh no I've never been......snail parridge, are yis mad? He likes parridge fer his breakfast but nat with snails in it.......He likes milk in his parridge. But it's sad fer him, whatchacallhim...Heston? Heston is it? Aye him, it's sad fer him n all his staff. Cos I liked dat show he did fer the Little Chef......but der fry's luked great. Anyways must go....gat his dinner til be making."
The Cousin was also asked for his opinion on Duckgate to which he replied, "Duck? I could eat some duck. Hell I could eat a whole duck. Do you have a duck?"
We did not have a duck. The Cousin soon lost interest in our line of questioning and went back to licking the inside of a packet of Tayto cheese and onion crisps. So whilst the foodies and writers of foodie websites and what have you get themselves all in a lather over a few cases of food poisoning at a well known restaurant, most people don't really care. Unless of course they are readers of the Observer Food Monthly magazine.
But when asked how they felt about Belfast City Council's decision to axe late night burger vans the good people of this fair city became quite animated.
"Wat d'fuck? No burgers? No burgers at d'end af the nigh? What d'fuck? Who d'fuck makes these decisions? Eh? I'll batter 'im", said a very upset Simon McChance, a local civil servant and late night clubber, whilst chewing the inside of his face.
Another late night reveler, Suzy McDancer, was so annoyed and vexed by the ludicrous decision of the city fathers that she has threatened to start a Facebook group and a MySpace page in support of the city's burger stall owners. "I'll call it, We want are(sic) burgers back, so we do". They'll have til give us back our burgers after that. We'll get Steven Nolan on the case. He likes burgers."
Rabbie Four Pies (not real name) didn't understand the council's decision to clear the streets of burger vans. "It's cos day are getting the blame for all the trouble an that at the end of the night is it? Nansense......it's the people liquored up on booze and flying off their tits on hard drugs that causes the anti-social behaviour nat burger vans."
And we at the Well Done Fillet Random Survey and Pointless Vox Pop Department tend to agree with Rabbie Four Pies but we did decline his offer of, "a few wee lines and a can of spesh brew."
The Fat Duck has closed and they've taken our burger stalls away. Just where are we to eat? Where?!