Tuesday, 17 February 2009

St Valentine eh? What a twat...

"I love you Manuel", I whispered gently to myself before I rolled over and shut my eyes to dream of giddily running hand in hand with myself through flowery meadows. I heart myself.

Saying that, I had fallen out with myself earlier that evening after three counts of unchecked idiocy, namely - spilling tea over the bed (which technically counts as two counts of unchecked idiocy as wasting good tea is a heinous act of willful disregard), one horrendous count of naked toe stubbing which ended up with me on the floor crying like a dying dog and one count of glass breaking, one of the new glasses at that. I was a one man Marx Brothers film minus the quality one liners. Unless of course, "Go fuck yourself you fucking fuck fuck of an eejit" counts as a quality one liner?

I didn't think so.


But I gave myself a sharp talking to and moved on. I bonded and learned to love myself again over a cup of tea and mini twister ice lolly. It was all quite touching really, but then again I'm really quite lovable so it's hard for me to stay angry with myself. Other people seem to have no such problems though. But as I lay in bed tenderly hugging and rocking myself to sleep I wondered about my two tables of feuding guests from Saturday night. Were they rocking each other to sleep or was she sharing her sister's spare room with an exercise bike and a box of books whilst he drinks himself in to a stupor in an empty two up two down semi detatched?

It had all started so well with gentle flirting, mainly from me, and loving lustful looks, not me, obviously. They chatted and laughed and looked like the epitome of sweetness. Love enveloped them and joy was unbound. Both tables ordered the fondue to share for their dessert, awh. Through my rose tinted eyes I noticed wee playful touches and the constant whispering of sweet nothings. Although on reflection that could have been nudges and whispering about me, "Is creepy fat waiter staring us?"

But all was going swimmingly well. As predicted the restaurant did look every inch the set of a Guns n Roses video bedecked as it was with candles and lusciously expensive flowers. The atmosphere was actually quite pleasant and the animosity and passive aggressive rage of previous St. Valentine's days was ominously missing. Not that I knew that it was ominous at the time. That said it did feel a little dull and if I'm being honest quite boring for us waiters and chums of waiters. The bookings had been so well planned that all the expected pressure and exhilaration had been removed. Manuel needs, nay, lives for his Saturday night rush and buzz. But it's not about me, apparently, and the guests all appeared to be having a swell time.

It was getting late in the evening and Waiter Chum Number Two and I were polishing our way through seemingly endless trays of cutlery when we were both rudely snapped out of our malaise, polishing cutlery is a hypnotic bore, by the sharp snappy tone of an angry man.

"Wha yi fucking mean? No no say what you were goin til say?", his face was red but you knew he was holding back a little, not much, but constrained all the same.

The lady's response was inaudible from where we were. Damn Tony Bennett and his big band. But her lips were pursed and she didn't look chuffed at all. She didn't look at her beau either. This went on for a few minutes, the sharp snapping from him followed by inaudible responses from her. To be honest she was letting her hands do most of the talking, not that she hit him.

It was all very frustrating for us waiters. We had to stop polishing the cutlery for god's sake to try and make out what she was saying. Waiter Chum Number One wasn't quite sure what was going on at first when she wandered behind the bar to find us deathly still and mute. We caught her up to speed and there we were were, all three of us, holding our breath trying to eary-wig on the most private of conversations/arguments.

Still, if you don't want us to listen don't argue loudly in front of us. And if you do well then speak up.

People don't set out to argue in public and there is no real way to conduct such things with any real decorum unless of course you are a character in a Merchant Ivory film. But just as things were heating up with more constrained expletives from him and defiant gesticulation from her the couple three tables over decided to get in on the act too. There were, thankfully, no other punters near them as I would have had to step in and I really really didn't want to have to wander into that particular bear pit. These were the sad unused tables that never got to fulfill their Valentines Day destiny.

This new episode of not so lovely verbals was definitely brought on by the large and rapid consumption of well priced Australian Shiraz. He made his views known regarding something she had or had not done quite forcefully and she defended her position with equal vigor and after a good ten minutes of heated debate they resolved their differences, so much so in fact that they ordered another bottle and he cozied up beside her on her side of the table. Crikey.

Meanwhile things had gone all quiet at the other table. I saw an opportunity to stick my nose in. As my waiter chums watched on with their mouths open...

"So folks did you enjoy everything tonight?", I asked with my tongue planted very firmly in my cheek. To my surprise the young lady who was staring intensely at something way off to the left replied, "Oh yes I had a lovely evening....great food and you were just so sweet."

I was.

"Aye....just great.....", started yer man with an attempt at sarcasm whilst staring way off to the right but I didn't believe either of them, "...get us the bill will ya?"

And of they popped. Clearly it will take more than a good talking to over a cup of tea and a mini twister to reunite this pair of love birds. St Valentine eh? What a twat.

20 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Sassy Sundry said...

I hope you enjoyed your run through the flowery meadows with yourself. You deserve it after that evening. Have you written a book yet?

Manuel said...

sassy! hey! how you been? I, rather, we had a lovely time.....it was all very little house on the Prairie....book eh? I would like to smash my head off a brick wall some days rather than try to write it.....but write I do, slowly....a little bit every day as a wise man once advised me.....

ninetyninewords said...

Why did you take your clothes off to stub your toe? Is this some weird waiter fetish?

Manuel said...

99 words: my feet were de-socked/naked....i was fully dressed with that one exception.....

Medbh said...

We went out last night and were sat family-style at a long table.
I hate sitting that close to strangers.
The woman next to Mr. M shot daggers at me for the duration.
Luckily the woman next to me kept quiet because she had one of those baby voices like the woman from the Kevin Smith films.
Yack.

Manuel said...

medbh: no no no..not cool...

Native Minnow said...

Oh, I also had a mental image of you stubbing your toe whilst completely naked and lying on the floor in agony. I beg you not to put that image in my head again.

:P

Anonymous said...

hey manuel i came across this blog and its pretty funny i thought u might have a kick out of it...its about food ...kinda lol...i got dibs on the loosiana gator dog!....http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/page/2

Manuel said...

minnow: you know you loved it.....vegas style...sweet dreams

Manuel said...

anonymous: The Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt

that's the job for me...awesome...o

good spot

Boxer said...

I love eavesdropping. Love, love, love, love it.

MJ said...

It could have been worse...

Chef's Arse.

Conan Drumm said...

Ok so where was LMM? Did she pour unguent on the delicate toe or was she in the bed when you spilled the tea?

Manuel said...

boxer: it's what gets me through.....

mj: still not really talking to you after that tea bagging link from yesterday.......[boke boke boke]

conan: no no she had gone home by this point.....hence my world falling apart in minutes...

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

There didn't appear to be any squabbles in the sections I worked in during the weekend except with the exception of a few they all looked glum.Like they really couldn't afford another waste of money.

Manuel said...

steve: glum.......best way of describing them...

fatmammycat said...

I have GOT to stop reading your site when I'm hungry.

English Mum said...

I had my mad brother round playing gooseberry so we had dinner a trois (I can't find the right accent to go over the a, sorry). Not very romantic at all.

Glad to see I'm not the only one with a complete inability to keep the entire cup of tea in the cup.

Oh and some woman sent me an email today which started 'Hi Manuel!'. True story.s

Medbh said...

Hey, are you going down to Cork, Manuel?

fgeegf said...

成人電影,情色,本土自拍, 情色聊天室, 寄情築園小遊戲, AV女優,成人電影,情色,本土自拍, A片下載, 日本A片, 麗的色遊戲, 色色網, ,嘟嘟情人色網, 色情網站, 成人網站, 正妹牆, 正妹百人斬, aio,伊莉, 伊莉討論區, 成人遊戲, 成人影城,
ut聊天室, 免費A片, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網,
美女交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人貼圖, 成人電影, A片, 豆豆聊天室, 聊天室, UT聊天室, 尋夢園聊天室, 男同志聊天室, UT男同志聊天室, 聊天室尋夢園, 080聊天室, 080苗栗人聊天室, 6K聊天室, 女同志聊天室, 小高聊天室, 情色論壇, 色情網站, 成人網站, 成人論壇, 免費A片, 上班族聊天室, 成人聊天室, 成人小說, 微風成人區, 色美媚部落格, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人論壇,
日本A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友, 本土自拍, 免費A片下載, 性愛,
成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, aV, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片,成人電影,情色,本土自拍,