Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Not nesting...

still no dog...
sake


"You're getting on like a pregnant woman, look at the state you". The Cousin was quaffing tea on the sofa whilst I was fidgeting about and tidying up the detritus of the day, cups, paper, sweetie wrappers and that sort of thing.

"What are you on about?", I asked as I plonked my generous frame down on the couch.

"You're nesting!", exclaimed The Cousin in a fit of eurekaish excitement. It was as if he had been struggling to find the right word.

"Excuse me?"

"You're so nesting."

"Nesting? What are you on about you curious little man?"

"The tidying up and fussing about and that", he explained as he waved his chubby hands at my perfectly mopped floor and sparkly polished shelving.

Fat handed twat.

"Give over yerself man. I just like a tidy house. Nesting? My arse."

"No, you're definitely nesting. You'll be a great dog-mother some day." He was fighting hard to keep the laughter suppressed. Not fighting hard enough.

"Knock it off or I'm gonna kick your ass." Manuel is not really a kicker of asses but he can talk the talk.

"Nesting", persisted The Cousin.

"Seriously, quit it."

"Nesting", again he poked at me.

"You're cruising dough boy"

It went quiet for a moment as The Cousin rained in his verbal assault. I tried to hide my beaming red, but devilishly handsome, face behind my book. It didn't really help my situation that I was reading about Jack bloody Russell's.

Sake.

The considerable din emanating from the television wasn't masking The Cousin's snickering and poorly stifled guffawing and that was despite him having shoved his fat fist into his gob.

"What? What now?", I barked across the room. Oh ha ha ha, Manuel thinks he's a dog. Grow up, it's a turn of phrase.

HEE HEE HEE HA HA HA went The Cousin.

"I am so gonna batter you, you have no idea mister."

"I saw you in the supermarket yesterday....", he said through streaming tears of laughter.

"And? We were there together you clown"

HEE HEE HEE HA HA HA went The Cousin. Again.

"I saw you go all gooey as we walked through the pet food section." He was now struggling to make himself coherent such was the level of laughter. I may strangle him in his sleep tonight. We shall just see who's laughing then.

"I didn't go gooey in the pet food section. You're gooey". Ooh good comeback.

"Yeah, yeah you did. You went all misty eyed at the tins of Pedigree Chum. And....HEE HEE HEE HA HA HA...."

"And? And what?", I wanted to know what else he had seen imagined.

"And HEE HEE HEE..."

"I swear to god wee man, you are gonna get battered so hard..."

"And HEE HEE HEE...and you ran your fingers longingly over the top of the bags of Winalot in a very dreamy bounding-through-the-fields-with-my-lovely-dog sort of a way." He then proceeded to fall apart the place laughing. He was laughing so hard that he probably didn't hear my threat/promise to evict him by the end of the week.

It was just what I didn't need at the end of another fruitless day searching for a pooch. It had all started so promisingly too. Percy, the brother-in-law, and I arrived at the USPCA home for abandoned and unloved dogs and cats before they opened and before anyone else seeking puppy love had arrived. But by the time the gates finally opened and we were let in there was a right crowd of doggy wanters. To hell with chivalry and all that tosh, I bounded for the gates knocking people to the ground and gouging eyes as I ran.

Whilst Percy went on a one man meet and greet with all the dogs I stayed on-mission and sought out what I was looking for, that being a small, preferably shaggy, youngish dog with the ability to melt hearts at a thousand paces. And luckily I found him, a Jack Russell with little brown stone melting eyes. I found him at much the same time as a rather deathly looking woman in ill fitting tracksuit bottoms and grey tatty cardigan found him.

Our eyes met in opposition and I knew the game was on. Well it would have been if Percy hadn't been doing a Dr Dolittle with each and every pooch in the place. Terrible terrible wingman as far as wingmen go. She instructed her 75 year old looking toy boy to make haste to the office where the guardians of the kennels keep the keys and the deeds, or whatever they have, to the dogs. I, meanwhile was trying to catch the attention of Percy Dolittle who busy having a heart to heart with a sombre looking black labrador. I'm not sure if the black lab had been so melancholic before Percy introduced himself. But I needed him to go get the lady with the keys to come and give me my dog/dream whilst I guarded the kennel.

But it was all so utterly pointless. They lady came with the keys and handed my pooch to the woman in the ill fitting tracksuit bottoms and tatty grey cardigan and off they went to spend their days in front of the fire sucking on boiled sweets and watching Diagnosis Murder. It's little life could have been oh so different if Percy had just stayed on mission. I had to hide for a moment ot dry my weeping eyes.

I wonder if my sister is really so attached to Percy because he may get strangled in his bed after I'm done with The Cousin.

Old people and relatives, I'm against them....

30 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

silverstar98121 said...

There, there. The little doggie wasn't meant for you. You will find yours, he will look in your eyes, and you will know. Might also try breed rescue associations. That way you will know a little about the critter before it comes into your life. That's where I got my Cocker Spaniel.

Ms. McDermott said...

Don't fret Manuel, when the stars are all properly aligned etc etc, YOUR dog will come, and, not a moment before...

Medbh said...

I would have taken her out at the knees for running off with the pooch, Manuel.
What happened to the litter you were looking over? Were they all taken?

Don't feed him Pedigree food, btw.

Native Minnow said...

You don't want a Jack Russell. My sister had one. Most hyper-active dog I've ever seen. It chewed a hole through her kitchen wall for crying out loud.

Boxer said...

When it's right, it will happen. I'm just happy at the thought of you saving a dog.

And Medbh is right... NO Pedigree. It's crap.

savannah said...

darvocet, sugar...the stuff of sweet dreams..oh wait, the dog...you're talking about the dog..yes, good luck...boxer's right, it'll happen when it's supposed to...why? how? it's a mystery... xoxoxo

Old Knudsen said...

Yer a nester? you mean a poof? ach I'm lost. I had a Jack Russell and they are great dogs, not family dogs really but one on one dogs, yer bud.

Go for a mutt everytime they are stronger and less prone to ailments.

Jack Russells are manly but not pitbull I've a small penis type one that comes to you and bonds.

Old Knudsen said...

oh and men do better with females and weemen with males, sure there are exceptions but yer soft as shite so get a bitch.......... or a ghey nesting male.

conortje said...

You'll know when yo meet the right dog. You'll just KNOW :-) Oh and any strange craving???

Conan Drumm said...

Hilarious, we should have the cousin guest blog your first 24hrs when the stork finally drops by.

Manuel said...

silverstar: he was meant for me......he just was.....

ms mcdermott: you mean thursday?

medbh: those all went before I had made the decision to take one......what's up with the chum?

minnow: I like a challenge

boxer: again....what's up with the chum?

savannah: huh....I have the cousin, he;s all the mystery that anyone needs...

old k: "Go for a mutt everytime they are stronger and less prone to ailments." is that true or one of your special stories?

conortje: ha! cravings.....yes sausage bagels.....but I always have that craving.....

conan: no.....sake

Conan Drumm said...

Will you be getting parental leave from work when you get the pup.

Manuel said...

conan: ha! six weeks on half pay.....bonding time init

Crispy said...

I see cute dogs all over the place now. I'm just gonna go up to the owners and ask can I have their dog for Manuel. D'you think they'll hand em over?
I'll leave the front door open and by all means strangle Percy, cos if he snores tonight like he did last night....well!!

The Cousin said...

Manuel that reads like an extract from a Billy Bunter comic.

Manuel said...

crispy: nice......be over about 2am

the cousin: you calling me fat.....?

The Cousin said...

No, i'm the one being referred to as 'chubby fingers' 'fat fist' 'dough boy'.

Manuel said...

the cousin: hee hee hee well if the pie fits n all that

daisy mae said...

you could always train the pup to demolish the cousin's clothing/shoes/valuables.... if you wanted.

you'll find a pup. but i'm surprised they just handed the JR over. when i worked in a shelter, the person had to fill out forms, prove that they could handle a dog, endure a "home visit" pre- and post dog, and also show that they could get along with a dog in the shelter.

know that i think about it - you might want to get on a "waiting list" at the shelter... usually you can put your name in for a specific breed, and they will not put it up for adoption until they contact you first.

MJ said...

I made Knudsen beg like a dog.

I recommend it as practice for the real thing.

Medbh said...

Pedigree is full of grains and cereals (dogs are not cows), chemicals, and food colouring.
It's not healthy and leads to making a fat pooch.

Stephan said...

I can see the headlines now:
"Crazed Belfast Waiter Goes on Strangling Spree!"
And ya know, black Labs are very lovable and loyal: just a thought...

DeepRed said...

Ever met Mance, the shaggy grey border collie who lives on lisburn road? (you may sometimes see her waiting outside the co-op). Well we reckon she's in the family way! If so you can have dibs! ;)
Her last litter were the cutest, shaggiest, smarted puppies ever!

Sassy Sundry said...

That's horrible. I hope you find your dog soon.

Percy said...

Bugger off, Manuel! How was I supposed to know it was a stealth operation with talking into our cuffs and wearing wraparounds for a canine abductee?

fmcgmccllc said...

I always get the dog I need, when you get rescue dogs they have led a hard life. But I learned, hate to say it, you will get the dog you need. I only want toy poodles and Grrdog I have now is fabulous.

However the story my husband told me of the wealthy women rolling on the floor of pet boutique hugging our dog because her choice got away to a quicker buyer at an adoption center was quite strange. Don't roll on the floor.

harried_dad said...

definitely get yourself registered with the pound. We put down a deposit with the shelter and were getting emails about new dogs every few days. Course we ended up falling for a dog completely different to what we asked for, but such is life. My experience with mutts vs purebred is pretty limited 1 of each, but in general the mutt has been much healthier.

Manuel said...

medbh: i did not know that.....thank you!!! i really mean that too

Trekkie said...

Sorry, i've been neglecting my blog reading, so this is the first I've heard about your quest for a dog. WHY the hell do you want a Jack Russell? They're, like, Yorkshire's for men in touch with their feminine sides!!!!! Silly wee yappy excuses for dogs. I've currently got my name down with German Shepherd Rescue. You know, a REAL dog.

Oh, hold on....if you get 2 of them, you can make a pair of slippers out of them. Cunning.

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