Fads come and fads go, it's only the waiter that remains...

Ah January, another year begins and a young waiter's mind turns to thoughts of pastures new. And fair play to them. Not me though, I'm not a young waiter and my mind has trouble enough focusing on what's happening right now let alone pastures new. I normally take stock about this time of year and see where I'm at, work wise. And having spent about oh maybe a minute maybe two I decided I am happy where I am.

Given the current climate this is not the time to be jumping ship. I've seen the grass on the other side and it looks decidedly unpleasant, what with it being covered in dog shit. You really don't want to be the last one in and all that. No, just as I said around this time last year I'm in a lovely rut and I intend to stay there, rutting and widening my ass grove on the lovely warm couch that is my current restaurant. And if I am being honest I've grown quite attached to the place. Not in a I love it sort of a way but more like how you become accustomed to something growing on your face that you cant be bothered to have removed.

So what new and exciting developments will there in the world of waiting and serving in 2009? What new and fantastically shit concoctions will I be forced to serve to the dreaded followers of style and food culture? Will this be the year of the poached Guinea Pig? Will we all be comparing the Goldfish fritters from the place down the road with our own?

"Oh look Jeffery, these are more golden than we had last week. How super!"

"Mmmmm yes Margaret. And aren't they just so fishy and divine?"

Maybe this is the year that pets finally make it out of our hearts and onto our plates. Will Mongolian wine finally get the shelf space it deserves? I doubt it but anythings possible. Especially during an economic downturn. I can confidently predict though that this year will see chefs and restaurateurs having to work harder than ever before to keep the doors open, get bums on seats and turn a profit. Watch out for lots of inventive creations/abominations made with mutton and pigs balls and cows innards. In other words 2009 will mark the return of the cheap cuts.

And whilst the punters swoon and gush at the thought of it all it's my waiter chums (as if I have chums who aren't waiters, ha!) and I who will have to serve it. I cant be doing with fads and trends. I've seen them come and I've seen them go. From coloured plates to towers of food. From the almost complete adoration of Chardonnay to it's magnificent and undeserved downfall. Yes restaurant trends bore me. I used to get excited and fall for the spiel of salesmen and managers who were all a wonder at the new miraculous thingy-ma-jig that was going to revolutionize the way we eat or drink or shit or whatever it was. I mean we all remember days when you were considered an oaf if you weren't eating Ostrich or Crocodile or Kangaroo? That was fun wasn't it? Emperors new clothes syndrome.

The manager and the head chef have been seen lurking in far off store rooms and behind doors plotting and scheming. Somethings afoot, I know it, I can feel it in my water. Who knows what depths they are planning on sending us too but I guarantee whatever it is wont last longer than a year. But no matter the machinations of scheming chefs and managers because fads come and fads go, thats why they are called fads.

food shouldn't look like Jenga.....

Here's the top or is it bottom Fads and Trends of all time in a handy cut out and keep section I call,

The Well Done Fillet Guide to The Top or is it Bottom Restaurant Fads and Trends of all Time.

Succinct as always.

1. Cooking Stones/Plates. Hideous to eat from and even harder to serve slabs of rock or sheets of metal heated to oh about two millions degrees by maniac chefs who then whack a fucking great big steak on top and roar at you to get it to the table in less than thirty seconds whilst you try to keep the fingerprints on your fingers. Lasted a couple of years but eventually people realised that there were these things called plates that did the job just as well without the threat of getting scaled to death.
   
2. Towers of Food. Oh sweet mother of Gordon Ramsay was that a massive pain in the wrists. Chefs took it upon themselves not just to put the food on the plate but to turn all engineer/Jenga master and "create" shaky and impossible to eat from towers of stupidity. And if whilst on your way to the table the tower should wobble and fall then the punter got all hot and bothered. "Isn't the cod meant to be on top of the crushed potatoes which is supposed to be on top of the beans which is supposed to be on a bed of spinach. It's ruined take it back." Which reminds me about something else.....
3. Putting stuff on a bed of other stuff. You mean it's sitting on it? Well why not just fucking say that then. Bleurgh.
4. Chardonnay. Before Chardonnay there was German wine and it was sweet and nasty but we drank it. I didn't I was only a child and only drank cider. But you all drank it and loved it. But then the Aussies arrived with big oaky Chardonnay and you forsook the sweet German gear in favour of the oaky Chardonnay. And you drank it 'til you fell over. Back then you couldn't shift anything else but Australian Chardonnay, the French and German with their many hundreds of years of wine making were cast aside like Ostrich burgers in favour of the new wonder from down under. Didn't last
5. Complaining about Chardonnay. "Oooooh anything but Chardonnay" they say now and do that very very annoying, "A.B.C" thing. Five years ago they couldn't get enough of it down their gullets quick enough. Now it's all Sauvignon Blanc. Complaining about Chardonnay is a new national sport, one we seem to excel in. Watch out Sauvignon your days are numbered.
6. Open Plan Kitchens. What a ridiculous idea. Have you ever seen a chef close up? Believe me they ain't all Like Marco Pierre White and Gordon Ramsay. No, your average chef looks like a serial masturbator who needs a quick shuffle. So why would you want to watch them cook your dinner? Why? Why? Why? Thank jebus that's all been knocked on the head and the kitchen are bricked up again.
   
7. Big plates. Actually big plates doesn't do it justice. Huge giant bin lid plates is much more accurate. And as time goes on the plates get bigger and the food gets smaller. Give it a few years and you will get three peas on a satellite dish. It was worse through the nouvelle cuisine years. Fun times for waitering back then. "What ya mean that's it?" There fuck all there mate!" And indeed there was fuck all there mate and we charged you more for it too. Happy days.

There's probably more but I'm shattered. All that standing about pulling the hair out of my ears, it was that quiet, over the weekend has me done in. What say you? What was the worst restaurant fad you've noticed over the years? Gourmet nights in Pizza restaurants? Fantastically bad fusion? Do share with the group....