Da Daaaa!

As part of our refit in November we got some lovely new curtains installed at different points within the restaurant. They are ever so lovely and velvety, so much so that you just wanna reach out and touch them or maybe rub them against your face when you are sure no one is watching and pretend, just for a fleeting moment, that you are in an advert for fabric conditioner.

Isn't that the dream we all share?

Isn't it?

da daaaa
seriously, you'd want me as your waiter wouldn't you?

They don't just look pretty they are functional too, actually in many respects they are more functional and prettier than some waiters and almost all chefs. They act as a graceful barrier between sections of the restaurant, the curtains that is not the hideous waiting staff and lazy lazy chefs.

I like to draw the curtains at work on quiet nights and corral all the guests into to one easy to manage section. Then I get to do my two new favourite things - hide behind the curtains and listen in on conversations and even more exciting than snooping is pouncing from behind the curtains in a live from the Apollo kind of way.

"DA DAAAA! Who's having the fish?"

Never fails to both amuse and startle the guests. Not sure startling the guests is part of my job description but hey I like to bring my own unique brand of entertainment to the dinner table.

Yes the curtains have brought me absolute hours of fun, I could play with them all day. Well I could have until the guests started touching them. Idiots. Bloody guests and their bloody sticky hands and their bloody "privacy" and their bloody "we're always right" attitudes. Yes Saturday night was brightened up with two sets of guests who really were old enough to know better.

The first couple to the left of the velvet wall were a gregarious pair of fifty year olds, all flirty hands and twinkling eyes. They were as frisky as a pair of love struck teenagers who just managed to escape from their parents. I mean any excuse to touch each other they took it from the placing of napkins to the sharing of bread. It was all so cute. Thank god they were attractive, it could have been bokey otherwise. They didn't care who saw them, who heard them or what anyone thought. They were having a ball and huzzah to them.

Meanwhile over on the right hand side of the velvet curtain, the communist side, there sat two right old misery fucks. They weren't even old, probably mid thirties, which I'm sure we all agree is young. Along with his nice shirt and sensible slacks he wore glasses on a chain, probably makes reading the Daily Mail easier. His face had no features, none, nothing there just greyness. LS Lowry's matchstick men and matchstick cats and dogs had more features and twice the personality of this amoeba. His charmless wife was no better with her spookily bouffoned hair and face by Pixar. They tut tutted from the moment they arrived.

The lights were too bright, they didn't like the table (tough one on a Saturday night kiddo) and they really didn't like the noise from the table beside them. Now at this point the curtains were open, it was way too busy for any of that carry on. I was just serving them, the fun couple, their coffees when I heard a loud and purposely directed emission of dissatisfaction from Mr and Mrs Grey. Mr Fun was feeding, who I assume was, Mrs Fun some chocolate mousse from his finger. This was the tipping point for the Greys. I looked over to find Pixar face crooking her finger at me, which isn't an action I take kindly to.

"Yes?", says I with mock confusion.

"Waiter...", says she whilst looking past me "...I want that curtain closed, now please."

I was all set to say no when I remembered it wasn't my table. "I'll get your waiter madam."

"Get my waiter? Why cant you just do it?" Good question, but I just really didn't want to close the curtain or get into a five minute argument as to why I wasn't going to close the curtain that would have inevitably ended in a manger bending over and closing the curtain whilst licking the boots of the offended Mr and Mrs Grey. So I closed it.

And what happened next?

That's right Mr and Mrs Fun got upset! Sake! Is there any chance?!

"Yes but by closing the curtain we are losing all our light and we cant see each other", said Mr Fun whilst running his hand down Mrs Fun's face. I was more convinced now than ever that they were not married, well not to each other. But he had a point and it was a little too dark. So I opened the curtain again and before I could explain myself Mr Grey was on his feet.

"Why are these curtains open again? We asked for them to be closed?" He was running his hand up and down the velvety wonders. Heh. This was gonna be tricky. Each had a fairly valid reason for wanting the curtain closed or open. But who was right?

"It's...it's just that.....well the couple on the other side lose all their light when we close the curtain. I'm sure you understand."

Stepping in close to my ear, he never let go of the curtain by the way, he whispered, "Maybe a dark room would suit them better."

Crikey.

Before I could answer I turned round to find that Mr Fun was standing beside me and he was also fingering my velvet drapes. This was getting ridiculous. They both stared at me waiting for me to make a decision, open or close.

"Well what's it to be?", says papa fun

"Surely you have a policy for such an eventuality", enquired Mr Grey looking over the rims of his specs at me.

"Policy? For the curtains? A curtain policy? Yeah I'm not closing the curtains. If I could ask you both to return to your seats. Sir if I could ask you to keep the noise down just a bit then I'm sure this gentleman will be happy"

And I walked off. Despondent.

This is what it has come to people, curtain policies for people who cant get on. Maybe I'll write one myself, "Proper and Safe Implementation and Management of Curtains, Drapes and Blinds for a Brighter and Profitable Tomorrow."

Or maybe I'll just direct all curtain related enquiries to the management, they get paid to deal with these massive issues.