Wednesday, 10 December 2008

The story of four very shady fuckers.....

I heard about this shitty little trick that was played on a waiter in another restaurant a few months ago and I thought I'd share it with you. Now don't even think about trying it out for yourselves as we are wise to it now. I swear if I got caught out with it I'd hunt the fuckers down and beat them until my fist were nothing but bone. And there's a fair bit of chubbiness to get through if we are being honest.

shady fucker....

A seemingly charming table of four arrived, without reservations, at a local hostelry-cum-restaurant.

"Table for four is it? Certainly", replied the friendly waiter and showed them to a vacant table. It was a Tuesday night and not so busy.

The two ladies parked their large handbags under the table whilst the chaps removed their jackets. All was well. Friendly waiter secured a drink order and talked them through that day's specials offering her humble opinion along the way. Nothing seemed untoward or in any way peculiar about the cheery foursome. In fact later on the waiter would go as far as to say that it was the picture of perfect dining. Oh how appearances can be deceiving.

Food was served and food was consumed with considerable gusto. The wine too was consumed in large volumes and was replenished more than once. By all accounts everybody was having a gay old time - the guest were happy as was the waiter and the repartee at the table was the sort that makes for a great night with lots of snappy one liners and good banter.

They took it in turns to pop outside for a smoke between courses but when they had finished their mains they all wanted to go together. That's not unusual.

"Sure not a problem....", replied the friendly waiter "...I'll keep an eye on your jackets and bags. Shall I leave sweet menus on the table for you?", asks she.

"Sure, you do that, we'll be back in a mo", answered one of the chaps.

The friendly waiter went on about her business serving other punters and generally being lovely to all and sundry as we are required to under law. It had been ten minutes since her charming and somewhat giddy table of four had slipped out for a smoke. She just assumed that they were having a two-er. It was a late summers evening and still quite warm outside so she didn't blame them for loitering a bit longer outside. She thought nothing of it.

But as ten minutes turned into twenty minutes she became a bit concerned that they still hadn't returned. It was getting late and like most waiting staff she had a date with a beer that she didn't want to be late for due the smoking habits of a boozed up four top. She went to retrieve them.

She checked the front of the building.

She checked the back of the building.

She checked round the side of the building and then the bar and then the toilets eventually ending up back where she started, standing beside an abandoned table of four.

"Rotters", she exclaimed, or words to that effect.

"They've done a runner!" She was crestfallen. How was she to explain this to a manager? A table of one skipping out on a busy Saturday night is one thing but losing a whole table of four on a quiet Tuesday is hard to justify. As she pondered her next move she spied the bags and jackets.

"They've left the bags and coats", she squealed with excitement. Bags and jackets would mean wallets and id's and maybe even phones. They could be traced and the wrong put right.

"Hurrah!", she exclaimed, or at least something like that and lifted the first bag and pulled in open.

"What the fuck?", she roared, exactly like that.

"What the fuck?" She really was confused.

The formerly friendly waiter pulled at the contents of the bag like a child digging through wrapping paper on christmas morning to get to the present. But alas for our waiter there was no present nor wallet or id of any form. There was instead newspaper, old crumbled balls of paper.

"Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls." I don't think she was counting them out.

She was crestfallen overcome with rage and anger. She snatched at the other bag. It was the same. The jackets were of no use either except for the nasty shiny blue one which had a price tag still attached to the inside collar, £5.00 from a local charity shop.

What the waiter said next isn't recorded but I like to think it involved many uses of the "c" word mixed with threats of violence. It had all become sparklingly obvious to her what had just happened, she had been had, in the worst way, by pro's.

They had gone to a local charity shop and purchased some cheap jackets and bags, probably for under £20 for the lot. It was the sort of tat that from a distance looks okay but on closer inspection you just know it came from a charity shop. It was the sort of shite you would be happy to exchange for a free slap up dinner. They even had the audacity to tell her they were going for a smoke and she said she would watch their stuff. This hurt the most.

This is of course another unforeseen consequence of the smoking ban (one that I heartily approve of now, obviously), this shit never happened before the ban!! So if you are going for a smoke during your meal this weekend don't be surprised if the waiter comes too, just to keep an eye on you.

35 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

I would never leave a bag behind at an empty table, Manuel.
Your waiter chum should have been suspicious then.

People fucking suck.

Manuel said...

medbh: people do it all the time and I'm happy to watch their gear.....but bugger me was that a corker of a trick to pull....they'll get theirs......

daisyfae said...

sharpen those stabbing forks... that's pure bullshit. perhaps notices on the menu that the restaurant is equipped with exterior video surveillance - and a directed energy perimeter fence for "runners"?

Manuel said...

daisy: and with a waiter with a terribly bad attitude....

bendersbetterbrother said...

Well, that's Larne folk for ya'.

Manuel said...

bbb: way hey! how you doing? Larne folk ye say? Most probably true n all....

Sniffle&Cry said...

Shamed? Shamed? Do I look shamed?
Hopefully she didn’t have to come up with the losses. Were they students Manuel? Were they poor students like I used to be but didn’t have the balls to execute such a dastardly move.
I’m torn between my sadness for your colleague and the ingenuity. That's probably not cool here 

Manuel said...

sniffle & cry: no they weren't students, fully fledged grown up people. it is a dastardly move but one that I was impressed with, better than the going to the toilet trick....

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

What a con job. That is the lowest of the low. I have never actually had a runner but had people take the wrong copy of their credit card slip with no tip showing.A couple of weeks ago had separate bills at a table and ran outside to track the one that took the wrong copy.As a rule I cannot fill in a tip. I caught up with one guy and he had to phone the guy on his cell somewhere for the tip amount. It was accidental and didn't mean it and their amount was by no means staggering in any case but these 4 fuckers deserve what is going to happen to them one day.That is cruelty to humankind.

Manuel said...

steve: I've only ever been stung once maybe twice myself and with a lots less ingenuity than these. It fucking stinks....splitting big tables is the worst as you always get ripped off...

Blondefabulous said...

The old "Dine and Dash"..... many an American waitperson has been nabbed by this little ploy. The jackets and bags are a nice touch though.

Manuel said...

blondie: yes they should put their ingenious minds to better use...cunty fuckers

Sherry QuiteContrary said...

About a week ago I had a college age man dine and dash. BUT he left his hoodie with his favorite college football team (Alabama) on it. This hoodie cost at least $50.00 and his meal was only $9.00. Dumbass MoFo. I hope his meal was worth it.

OH and we stapled his check to his hoodie and placed it in the office. The attached note says he can have his hoodie back AFTER he pays his bill in full. ;)

Think he will come back and get it?

MJ said...

If it's any consolation to the world of waiters, tonight I got two of my 15 %-tipping friends to raise it to 17%.

I was aiming for 20 % but there is still work to be done.

Old Knudsen said...

Waiters aren't too bright to start with I mean have you read their blogs? I don't but I have a friend who does.

Like test driving a car they have to leave valid ID before they leave the lot, if they object then something is up. Make it restaurant policy.

The Manuel law.

Bruno said...

Man...

I actually feel that it's wonderful that you live in a country where someone would even consider letting ALL four of the people on the table go out for a smoke.

Bruno said...

(and I didn't mean it in a snarky way)

Red hair, Red face said...

Left my bag behind me the other night while I went for a smoke...came back and it was grand....checked it yesterday and someone took one of my gloves....ONE!!!...people are lousy.

Vicky Rogers said...

on god that happened to me a few years back. When i was a wee snapper starting out in the trade. I had the unforturnate indicent of having a few not so nice people in a resturant i use to work in. They ordered the best bottle of wine and the best food and before i knew it they just vanished into thin air. to make things worse. they were cream crackers. now i can never trust people ever.

Red Leeroy said...

hmm, if you wanted to get rid of some of your old useless wardrobe you could move around the city disrobing as you went. Save a trip to the charity shop and eat well all in one go.

Manuel said...

sherry: no, no chance! keep the hoodie, that's what ebay is for..!

mj: we salute you!

old k: manuel law eh? I'd make mussolini look relaxed....

bruno: snarky fucker...

bruno: oh sorry hehehehe

red hair: oh and sleazy and pervy.....

vicky: cream crackers.....hehehehe

red: you could, but you shouldn't......grrrrr

sheepworrier said...

Gotta admire the balls on them. What happens if a runner gets caught on the spot?
Bars were easy - we just got the trained apes that did the door to threaten removal of certain bodyparts unless the bill was settled.

Manuel said...

sheepo: hell hath no fury than a waiter who has been stiffed. We always get our money if we catch them......except that one time when they pulled a knife.....no money on that night!

Red hair, Red face said...

Is stealing a glove sleazy??? In that case I may have a suspect.....

Conan Drumm said...

I don't know... charity shops are so 'in' these days, and it's not really a night out unless you have the dessert as well. Did they go elsewhere for dessert, do you think?

Manuel said...

red hair: it;s both sleazy and pervy....

conan: yes they probably knocked over an ice cream van on the way home....

Bock the Robber said...

Fuckin crowd of fuckin fuckers. Fuck.

English Mum said...

It never ceases to amaze me just how much trouble people will go to. I mean, shopping in a charity shop to get a free dinner?

Evil, scheming scumbuckets.

Boxer said...

Eventually, people will need to pay BEFORE they eat, just like we do at the Gas Stations.

Lone Waitress said...

This has happened to me as well, although the only thing left was a jacket. I now take credit cards for all tabs before serving anyone in the evening. Thankfully I work at a sports bar where this is acceptable. I honestly would not have expected that to happen at a dinner restaurant if I was the server.

Anonymous said...

Saw that exact con, right down to the bags filled with newspaper, on 'The Real Hustle' on BBC3!

Anonymous said...

Wait, I lie, on The Real Hustle it was just a woman on her own and she went out to answer a phone call. I suppose as you say the smoking ban has offered certain extra opportunities!

Simon said...

Spooky...
http://slightlycrankywaitress.blogspot.com/2008/12/ridiculous-lengths-people-go-to.html

purplegirl said...

Holy fuck, that is LOW. I'd like to meet the type of person who'd come up with that sort of shit. And then gouge them in the eyes.

(Also? spooky :) )

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