Sunday, 28 December 2008

Imaginary Batman, Chav Santa and Me. Christmas is a laugh eh?!

So did we all have a smashing and wonderful few days? Did your cuppeth runneth overeth with shiny neweth stuff and shit from family and friends? My own tea stained cup spilled over with splendiferously white and shiny Apple shit. Shit man, I do love my Apple shit. I'm actually running out of "Designed in California, Made in China" products to buy, save for the iPhone which is scheduled to improve my life and make me a better person in March. It will do that wont it, make me a better person and improve my life? I really really need something to.

manuel
off on one of my lovely cycles...

pretending to be Batman(uel)

It's funny the absolute highlight of the xmas period didn't involve any Apple products. It was just me on my bike wearing a long black coat (all coats appear long on me due to my stumpy legs). There I was cycling up the deserted Lisburn Road with the wind puffing out my coat and making it appear more cape like than it really was. Of course this was wonderful for me as I pretended for a moment that I was Batman.

Well you would, wouldn't you?

Fair enough a cheap assed Batman with breathing issues riding on the fantastically named Kona Humu Humu Nuku Nuku Apu'a (it's a real thing!) is an unlikely and somewhat farcical sight. I suppose I was more a credit crunch Batman on my Batmo-bike-mobile. If you will, a 2009 Batman who cant afford to run a proper Bat-mobile due to the recession and the rising cost of Bat juice or whatever it is that makes it go.

I stopped pretending and reigned in my Bat cape as I nearly ran into a group of pished up football/bother fans all bedecked in new tracksuits and kicking boots. I swear on Gordon Ramsay's mother's life each one was wearing shiny new chains and rings.

Tasteful I'm sure.

I mean nothing says I love you and want to celebrate the birth of baby Jebus in the manger more than a shiny gold Glasgow Rangers necklace or Silver Cannabis Leaf bling. I believe they have a different Santa than the rest of us, think an unshaven and drunk Ray Winstone in a red velour tracksuit pishing into your christmas tree and swearing at your little brother and you'll know what I mean. Chava Claus takes more than he leaves and gets everything else from Argos.

"Aye yer bike", says the one with acne like a pop up book of the Alps. I shall call him Craig, or even Craigso. Such is their want to add "so" onto the end of all names, "so" or "sie".

"Aye yer bike hahahahaha", added the rather "special" looking chap I shall call Jamesie.

He stared up at the taller one, possibly a Jason maybe a Gary (Gaz), who had the biggest and shiniest bling, looking for approval or maybe just for a rub of the shimmery swinging pendant. He made no response and this seemed to confuse the littler hoods. So they had another go. I was too close to them now to turn around as I rightly assumed that they would be able to catch me if I did try and make a break for it.

"It's fucking gay, wah!" says Jamesie, again. But this time he got the psychotic belly laugh he was looking for from the lead chav/spide/knacker/ned (take your pick). He was laughing so much he nearly took his hands out of his track bottoms. Nearly.

I was too full of christmas joy and left over beef, we don't do turkey in our house, to be getting into brawls on the street with beered up louts. Anyhoo they would have kicked the thumbs of me whether I was full or not. So I pulled a quick maneuver on the Kona and successfully managed to dodge them. I say maneuver but really I just turned left. But I did it with no small amount of nonchalance so as to make them think I wanted to turn left onto the dimly lit and in retrospect slightly more terrifying alleyway. As I cycled like a manic into the dark and unknown they spotted my man bag.

Crikey!

"Ahahahahaha. What's yer ma doing for a handbag?", they shouted in apparent unison. "He's so fucking gay....FAG BOY!"

Cycle faster Manuel, faster.....into the dark and ominous alleyway that has probably got a drunk sleeping in it and cats shagging. Eventually I came back out onto my own street and home. Seriously I like to think I looked impressive - all Batman like ducking between the shadows and the alleyways. Bet I looked like a peeping Tom/fat lad on a bike up to no good.

Anyway this near death incident meeting with the three wise men from the East, of Belfast, put an end to my Batmanning about and I rode of into the dusk with my coat tucked under my ass. There had been shenanigans at the match and I didn't want to be hanging around to see if the had got all the pent up man rage and anger out of their delicate and easily annoyed systems. I mean as much as I will moan, and I will moan, about having to work on New Years Eve I'd still rather bring in 2009 there rather than by sucking my dinner through a straw in the intensive care unit of my local hospital.

Still I might go out in my pj's tomorrow and pretend I'm Spiderman. Did Spiderman ride a bike? Probably not but what the hell, it's still Christmas.

24 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

K8 the Gr8 said...

My cup ranneth over with runny catpoo on my duvet. Santa's milk is NOT good for cats.

Medbh said...

Keep your head down and dodge the testosterone freaks, Manuel.
They are predators, not men.

I am sad to report that the nicotine treats are still around.
Good for you for getting past them.

MJ said...

Spiderman had a girlfriend named MJ.

We could pretend just for one day so's I could fondle your sugarloaf.

Whaddya say?

Old Knudsen said...

Old Knudsie does think they may of had a point, gheys are famous for riding bikes, Louis Armstrong rubbed against his seat so much it gave him ball cancer.

Old Knudsen said...

Spiderman rode MJ so do yer duty.

bek said...

Ahhh.. chavs are wankers. Who the hell are they mocking you for happening to be using a fast and relible form of transport? And what's wrong with a manbag? Men have shit to carry too, no doubt!

Just comfort yourself that when the zombie apocalypse comes the Chavs will be the first to fall.

The Sexy Pedestrian said...

Crikey indeed. There's probably an app you can download on the iphone to help you deal with situations like these...

Manuel said...

k8: eeeeeewww

medbh: finding it very tough at the moment to be honest. it was easier when I was working 12 hour shifts.....

mj: meet you out the back in 20 minutes......I'll be the one wearing pj's

old k: nice, nice touch there.....

bek: I have so much shit that must be carried on a permanent basis.....I'd say the fuckers would survive any apocalypse being as pickled as they already are

sexy pedestrian: ha! wonderful idea!

daisyfae said...

WWBD?* Batman would keep riding his bike... and maybe get a nice chain, with a heavy lock, and keep it handy should you ever encounter more aggressive douchebags. avoidance is best... and batman knows that you only use violence when necessary...

fuckwits... they're everywhere...


*we have the god botherers here wearing "what would jesus do" bracelets... i think "what would batman do" is probably better...

Manuel said...

daisyfae: I am familiar with the god botherers and their wwjd stuff.....I think most of yours originated from these parts......and scotland.......sorry bout that

Babaduck said...

Batman would kapow their mangy wee arses and throttle them with their Elizabeth Duke chains & chav rings...

p.s. have sent you a wee email seeking help.. if you get a chance!

Manuel said...

babaduck! oh I'm so sorry! I totally forgot about that......I'm in the middle of some stuff at the moment but will get back to you before the nights over......or by the time you get up....honest

harried_dad said...

Xmas morning was spent apologizing to the neighbours as the dog had managed to dig a hole under the fence.
not so bad in of itself, but he then proceeded to drag a protesting guinea pig out of its hutch and back into our garden. We awoke to find little bits of Ginger fur scaterred everywhere and a contented dog gnawing on the remains of the aforementioned guinea pig. Merry Xmas mr next door!

Manuel said...

dad: hahahahahahaha that's just superb.....straight to Petz on boxing day to get a new guinea pig I take it?

Akemi said...

From a born and raised Hawaii girl, an avid reader of your wonderful blog, and a server, to boot..

It's Humuhumunukunukuapua'a, our tiny state fish with the big name!

Love your blog <3

Manuel said...

Akemi: welcome! thank you for the lesson......! That's really what my bike is called too....

savannah said...

be careful out there, sugar!! xoxoxo

(i'm getting a bike for my birthday!!)

Medbh said...

Harried_Dad, that's a great story. Your dog thought Santa left it for him as a stocking stuffer.

Manuel said...

savannah: I dunno....it's not so safe in here sometimes either, the fridge is a dangerous place.....

medbh: now see I thought that would have annoyed you, bad dog ownership etc....hehehehe

Conan Drumm said...

I think you need to learn some stunt routines on your Kona so you can amuse the chav/linfield/rangers types when they've a mood/drink on them. A bit like Homer when he has to do a Krusty routine for the mob in The Simpsons.

Manuel said...

conan: or I could just stop being such a pussy....as Lmm put it....nice

Conan Drumm said...

Wants you to handbag them, does she?

Manuel said...

conan: I'd kill someone with my man bag if I hit em with it

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