Tuesday, 2 December 2008

The Good, The Bad, and the Penis

"Sorry say that again?"

"A hundred and eighty two pounds!"

"A hundred and eighty two pounds? Holy sweet mother of mercy and baby jesus in the manger on the first christmas morning with a new Nintendo Wii that's a lot of money."

I was shocked, shocked and delighted. Waiter chum number two had lifted the aforementioned sum of money as a tip from a wonderful table of 20 for a little over two hours work. I wasn't shocked that waiter chum number two had done well with the table as she is a good un, but rather the fact that they had tipped another hundred on top of their service charge did take my breath away. As the wonderful couple who settled the bill left with all their wonderful colleagues in tow we formed an honour guard fitting of a departing head of state. There was genuine tears trickling down my hardened face. We all took turns in kissing their behinds and inviting them to return soon, soon like tomorrow.

a urinal...
not a water cooler

This was in stark contrast to the tight fisted, parsimonious, and ultimately idiotic table of ten from earlier in the evening.

"Excuse me young man...", she didn't say it like a compliment as it had come right down her nose, "...can I settle the bill before we sit down?" Their food was pre-ordered so it was no big deal. Waiter chum number one presented her with the bill, complete with service charge.

"This seems a little higher than we expected", exclaimed the thin lipped woman dripping in gold and cocooned in fur. Waiter chum number one went through the bill line by line with her like she was a five year old learning long division for the first time. I was standing nearby twitching to join in, but I didn't. Waiter chum number one knew full well what Priscilla Penny Pincher was quibbling about but played along. No point in making it easy. If they don't want to pay the service charge then make them say it, out loud at that.

"Ah it's the service charge...." No shit Sherlock! "...No, no I don't think we ever pay such tariffs we we dine out. We shall see how we feel at the end of the meal." Her lips thinned so much as she spoke it was as if she had shed them to save blood.

"Okie dokie then madam, that's not a problem", replied waiter chum number one as she made the changes on the bill. With the bill settled Priscilla Penny Pincher turned to take her seat but not before half turning and looking over her shoulder back at waiter chum number one and I and adding, "You'll just have to work harder for that tip....oh and be a sweetie and fetch me a G&T would you."

I'll fetch my boot up yer ass.

Hey if you don't want to pay the service charge then don't, we will get over it. But for the love of Gordon Ramsay's alleged mistress don't tell the waiter before you have even slurped your first lukewarm (for all your food will be lukewarm) spoonful of soup that you "don't ever pay such tariffs". It's not smart and if you think that by doing so the waiter is going to work harder for you you are very much mistaken. My days of dancing are well and truly over. There was no line up to say goodbye to her or her chums.

The weekend was superb though. As a warm up for the really big shifts coming over the next few week it was perfect. And despite the shenanigans of Priscilla and her Penny Pinching ways we made some great money too. But it's not her that sticks in my mind nor is it the wonderful couple who tipped us so generously. No it was something much more, well, how shall I put it? Penile! Yes penile is the best way to describe the horror that was the ten o'clock toilet check.

It would be fair to say that I have never thrived well in a locker room type environment. I was shite at all sports at school, that said I wasn't the last to be picked for team events. Thank god there were two kids more useless than me. I never enjoyed the dubious camaraderie and towel flicking of the showers and even to this day I will select only those swimming pools that offer individual and private changing areas over the ones that offer only communal areas in which to get dressed. I'm not insecure I just don't like those environments. Honest.

So in I wandered to check the toilets were flowing as they should be when who should I find taking a pish and talking on his phone at the same time but the nice chap from my cute table of two. The cute thing didn't last long though. He chatted, pished, shook it, and turned around and nodded in my direction. I acknowledged him and spun right round to wash my hands as his chap was still hanging out, little did I know he was air drying it.

"I have to say Manuel that was a fantastic meal, really lovely." Why he had to tell me this with his dick swinging in the wind I'm not quite sure.

I decided that I would forgo drying my hands and would just use some white roll when I got back into the safe and penis covered environment of the restaurant. "Oh yeah great, cheers" replied I with both eyes firmly on the wall.

"Great service too from your good self, I really mean that." Oh sweet jebus why is he still talking to me with his Mickey still flopping and what's this...he's not.....he bloody is....."put it there young man!" and he reached out to shake my hand. I wasn't for putting anything anywhere.

Get to fucking fuck outta here! I told him my hands were still wet and scampered quick sharpish.

"I'll see you inside then", he shouts as I beat a hasty retreat. Oh no you fucking wont I thought as I ran. But five minutes later I was at the table with him and his wife taking his credit card payment in silence thinking about how all three of us had now seen his penis. Nice.

What ever happened to good old fashioned shame? Eh? I don't check the toilets anymore, obviously.

25 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

savannah said...

OH.MY.GAWDDDDDD! tale #3 took the prize for most outrageous event of the night, sugar! and he didn't even wash his hands?????? insult to injury! ;-)

Manuel said...

savannah: I mean who does that?! sake!

Green Ink said...

Christ am I going to have to stay up late just to have the time to laugh my fucking head off at posts like this?

Kezza said...

In my mind any conversation within the confines of the toilet area are well and truly OUT OF BOUNDS, but the kind of conversation which invloves wang-out action... Well, I'm with you Manuel - I'd be out of there quick as a flash. I mean who air-dries their todger, especially in a public setting.

Medbh said...

Isn't there a strict silence in the men's room as part of the heteronormative code?
I can't imagine what it must be like to encounter someone's genitalia on such a casual basis.

The Hangar Queen said...

Now THAT is crossing the line.His yammering on the phone should have been the first clue.

He needs to go back for a remedial Man School course.Luckily I still have my books from that course.(Failed it proudly)

So when he said "Put it there" where exactly was "there"?

Anonymous said...

That was some post.Things are really heating up in Belfast. At least it seems the guy on the phone was!! Cannot believe someone was blow drying his wanker! I hope he didn't stiff you. Ha Ha

Martin said...

I have fond memories of a large and unpleasant party from the UK leaving the restaurant without tipping many years ago.
The following day, in the bank, I discovered that they had payed their Euro bill in Pounds thereby tipping over 150 Euro, by mistake!

A.B. said...

thank you God for giving women's restrooms doors.

MJ said...

Did you not even so much as blink when someone called you a " young man"?

red leeroy said...

good sainted lord. Hilarious stuff. You should have told his wife.

harried_dad said...

you mean you don't do it? How do you dry it then? The hand dryer is a bit too hot for my liking.

Surely you could have done the decent thing and offered to shake it off?

PRyin said...

I too have always had a dread of public mickey zones. And also always had the sweet & sour pain/relief of being the third last picked.

I ask you this though, do you think yer man reckoned he was going to get a 'happy ending' or what?
Would have meant a BIGGER TIP. Geddit?

Oh dear, did I just..?

sheepworrier said...

Casual chat in the bogs is barely acceptable when your pissed, but even then the swinging mickey is never, EVER introduced into the situation.
Maybe he was about to do his impression of an elephant?

Red hair, Red face said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Red hair, Red face said...

well look at it this way Manuel...at least you didnt put out your hand to shake his hand and end up shaking something else dry for him in error!!!

Conan Drumm said...


I wonder is there a sectarian divide in the urinals? Papes think it's dirty, Prods think it's clean?

Manuel said...

inky: yes.....hope that answers your question.....

kezza: mentalists that's who

medbh: no not really....it's just as juvenile as you would imagine....

hangar queen: failed it proudly - bwahahahaha!

steve: ho ho hon very good......no he left me a generous tip.....which I got somebody else to lift

martin: tremendous! seen it done here too.....

a.b: mmmmm I dunno......things don't seem to be any more pleasant in there or so I'm lead to believe....

mj: Blink? I looked around me to see who she was taking to

red: no, I'm sure she is more than aware of his pee pee out issues....

dad: no no no

Pryin: no I defo was getting that vibe from him.....and no points for you for even going there........

sheepo: an earless baby elephant.....not cool!!

red hair: no no no

conan: no I don't think so...although we do have larger Mickey's......obviously....

Anonymous said...

never mind the swinging dick, the lack of handwashing is too much.

Dave said...

Kinda have to agree with Priscilla here. Not with her attitude, that kinda sucked, but with paying a service charge up front.

I mean, say they got shit service and had pre-paid?

Lordy-do! That's a no-no.

Dennis said...

That's funny. I am not insecure either, Manny (honest), but I have trouble with the "locker room" mentality also. I think some people enjoy making others uncomfortable.

There's this older guy -- say, late 60s -- at my gym, and I swear he's naked from the moment he walks in until he leaves two hours later. As far as I can tell (based on the shape of his body, that is), he doesn't use the gym so much as walk around the locker room naked, chatting up the other members.

Another guy there is mostly dressed, but CONSTANTLY scratching himself and rubbing his hands on his body. Yikes.

belfastyouthworker said...

this brings the lawlz. only in belfast!!

Native Minnow said...

So you're saying it's not a good idea to air dry my penis in a public restroom and chat with my server? I'll make a note of it.

When he said, "put it there young man!" I don't think he was talking about a handshake. Bwahahahaha.

MikeTheWaiterDotCom said...

LOL ... absolutely disgusting... we don't get paid enough for this!

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