Not laughing with you but at you.....

I am the master of the fake laugh. It's a key skill in the waiters armoury - the ability to laugh at the piss poor jokes, witless remarks and the supposedly "hilarious" shenanigans of guests. Don't get me wrong I appreciate that there are tougher gigs in life but it can still get you down. I mean the constant stream of balderdash and blather could have a lesser mortal reaching for the stabbing fork. But needs must and all that and if my fake laugh strokes their ego a bit then fake laugh I will.

The weekend past was filled with my fake laughter, so much so in fact that I couldn't tell what was genuinely funny and what was piteous pish. Bit like the audience at an Adam Sandler show.

a pheasant
not to be confused with a peasant....

"Let me see....." pondered the middle aged man, "....I'll have the roast peasant!" And with that he looked up at me with a huge grin as if he had just cracked the frigging enigma code or something. Making a play on the word pheasant doesn't make you Oscar Bloody Wilde.

"Ha indeed sir, roast peasant, very good. Would you like to choose the peasant yourself? We keep them in a cage out the back. We have all types - council estate, street urchins, there's a fresh batch of working class peasants just in. Eh they've been fattened up a bit with burgers and kebabs too. Or maybe the imported Romanian peasants would be more to your liking? They go particularly well with a bottle of Pinot Noir." Says I in reply without cracking even a hint of a smile or amusement.

He stared back blankly. I swear his top lip was quivering.

"Eh um eh er can I have it with champ?"

"Pheasant and champ it is sir, very good. Maybe try the peasant another day."

I didn't mean to piss on his chips so hard but I wasn't in the mood for jolly japes and poor puns. I would normally fake laugh that sort of line up with gusto and indeed quite probably embellish it with fake tears too. I can do that. But I had just had to go and admonish a table of twenty idiots who should really have known better.

For a gag they thought it would be dead fucking funny to hide items of food as we served them. Everyday it's something new yet depressingly similar. We would return to the kitchen to fetch more food only to return to find that we were still missing something. The old hide it under the table and pretend it's not there gag. I faked laughed the first time they did it but ended up scolding them like the badly behaved children they were when they persisted with it right up until they got their sweets. I wouldn't mind but the youngest was about 40! It wasn't my table but I had to step in as they were running waiter chum number four, one of the new kids, ragged. And being new she wasn't sure quite what to do about it. Right up until that moment she always believed the customer was always right.

Her wagon has indeed been fixed in that department now. Her dreams shattered and her heart hardened. She'll make a fine waiter.

I really do die a little, and not just on the inside, every time I have to feign my guffaws. But there I am every night of the week back slapping and ego stroking my way through another round of pretend complaints, "Oh that was just awful" as they stare up at you grinning gormlessly as you take away their empty plates. Oh good one, the old we really liked it but we said we didn't because that's sort of funny and you probably panicked a bit there when we said it wasn't nice routine. Well heres the news funny man it's not funny at all. It's tiresome. Please knock it the fuck off.

And I've had the pretend complaint routine backfire on me when I assumed a guest with an empty plate was joking when they said they didn't like it. They then complained to the manager that I laughed at their complaint. Don't get me wrong I quite often laugh at some guests complaints but never right in their faces. Let it be a salutary lesson to all you guests who like to cry wolf.

But the "fun" and "frolics" don't end there, no, like an Adam Sandler movie one predictable joke follows after another until you are knee deep in shit and in desperate need of a shower.

How would you like you steak cooked? "On a cooker...."

And how did you find the wine tonight sir? "No problem, it was just sitting there....."

Now can I get anyone a sweet? "No we're sweet enough..." Ironically that one always comes from the most sour faced person at the table.

"I suppose you want a tip? Don't eat yellow snow."

Still there are a few punters who manage to make me laugh, even if it is at my expense.

From Feb of this year...

"I thought you people were meant to be jolly and happy?"

You people?

You mean waiters?

"No, fat people"

Made me laugh.

Remember every time you crack a bad joke at a restaurant a waiter dies a little on the inside. So save a waiter and keep the bad jokes to yourself.