First kiss is the sorest.....

that's not lipstick
that's blood

It's rare that I am able to contain my anger when guests arrive late for their reservations. In fact there is nothing that I find more vexatious than the tardy attitude some guests have towards bookings. It's rude and liable to result in less than favourable service. That said I kept the stabbing fork sheathed on Saturday night when one table arrived close to 45 minutes late. It appears pity trumps anger in my head.

In he arrived all sheepish and shy. He was 18 maybe 19 years old at a push. I could barely hear him tell me his name such was his crippling bashfulness.

"John."

"Don?"

"John."

"And you have a table reserved?"

"Yeah."

"What?"

"Yeah, my girlfriend booked it."

"Right and what's her name?"

"Theresa."

"Trees?"

"A"

"Right okay, TheresA. Yeah we, still, have your table." One finds it hard to pass up a dig at a late guest. One finds it very hard.

I seated him and got him a coke. He'd ordered it, it's not like we give out free cokes. He perused the menu, actually I think he was trying to hide behind it. His little spotty face was flame red and he did bear a striking resemblance to a rhubarb and custard sweet what with his shocking blonde hair. At first I thought this embarrassment was brought on by his chagrin at being so late but soon realised he was just an awkward teenager type. He looked like a good boy, his mother probably took a photo of him before he went out and his father most likely made him blush more by telling him not to do anything he wouldn't do.

Time was ticking for lonely John though as we were getting perilously close to last orders and his date still hadn't graced us with her presence. It was unfortunate for him that his table was positioned right beside the bar as a little huddle of waiters, managers and wandering chefs had all gathered to stare at the guy who had been stood up. Well it had been over a half hour at this point and there was still no sign of her so we had to assume he had been stood up. Oh it was tough to watch as he squirmed and shifted on his seat like it was on fire but watch we did. The women wanted to cuddle him and make him feel better the men cringed as if they themselves were the ones being stood up.

This was all very amusing and we all shared his pain and all that but it was now about five minutes to last orders and I was getting tetchy. Lonely kept staring at his mobile phone, waiting for it to spring into life with the beep beep message that would either save or ruin his Saturday night.

It never came.

Eventually I had to step in. The chefs had moved on from their little moment of concern for the guy and were now only concerned with getting home. I got down beside him to make it less intimidating. I felt like a security guard at a shopping centre, "Have you lost your mummy little boy?"

"Now sir do you think your friend will be much longer? It's just that we are closing very soon."

"Eh um eh eh" Yes stuttering helps.

"Maybe you could give her a call?"

And before he could stutter a word in she arrived in a whirl of colour and big hair. If Lonely was quiet she was the polar opposite.

"Sorry sorry sorry! Can I get a glass of Chardonnay? Now what you having? Oh it's busy isn't it? What you think of my hair? OOOh love your sweater."

She turned back to look at me...

"Sorry can I get a glass of chardonnay?"

Oh is that right? Are you getting snippy with me? Forty five minutes late and your getting snippy with me? I don't think so. I very don't think so.

"Yeah.....you eh need to order right now as we are about to close. So I'll get your chardonnay just as soon as you order."

Pfft

Order secured, wine served and eventually food served all within 25 minutes. It's a wonder what the kitchen can do when it's past closing time. But I watched them from behind the bar, all awkward and jittery and new and exciting. Despite her snippiness they were really quite sweet. He giggled like a teenage girl at her jokes and stories and she fluttered her eyelashes in return. By the end of their meal they were holding hands across the table and whispering to each other.

Awh how sweet.

Sweet my arse, we were well and truly closed by now so I slapped the bill down and informed them of their right to go away. Whilst he settled the bill she fixed her big hair, I'm talking Amy Winehouse big. He then wandered back to the table. I turned to say goodnight just as they had lunged at each other to kiss.

EEK!

It must have been a first kiss because it went horribly wrong. You could hear the sharp crunch of teeth meeting teeth meeting top lip followed by a barely constrained yelp from the young lady. Good grief the space shuttle docks with more grace and ease than those two went at it. He went red again. Hell I went red for him. It wasn't pretty and resulted in more awkwardness and shuffling not for me though, it was an amusing end to a busy night.

Bless their little busted lips, a night I'm sure he will want to forget but probably wont.