Thursday, 9 October 2008

A cautionary tale you know so well......about going outside

There are so many perverts, deviants, face lickers and general fiends in society it's a wonder I go outside at all. I mean you just never know who is sitting beside you on the bus or what their major malfunction is. Whilst on the outside they make appear sane and rational and the sort of person you would doff your hat to if you had a hat to doff but who knows what is going on in the dark sweaty recesses of their mind. Honestly there should be more registers, not just the sex offenders register and warning badges too - ankle fanciers register, the I like trains register, a register for those unnatural souls who get their jollies to putting their hands down their pants have a rummage around and then sniff their fingers. [shudder]


Manuel's unmentionables......

If you really considered it for too long you wouldn't go out at all or at the very least you wouldn't gamble on the mobile petri dish that is public transport.

As it turned out I didn't consider it for too long and did indeed go out for an afternoon gad about town taking advantage of the early Autumnal sun. I met my sister for lunch at Muriel's and a spiffing and wonderful time was had by all. I ambled, wandered and generally floated, as much as a fat lad can float, about town with carefree abandon. I picked up a new notebook and a few new pencils. I purchased jelly beans for Little Miss Manuel. I smiled at some old people and picked up a dropped toy for a small child. I was relaxed and happy. A small bird perched on my shoulder and we whistled in unison.

Life is good.

Or it was.

I got home and began separating the jelly beans for Little Miss Manuel, she has a strong predilection for the liquorice flavoured beans. So as a little surprise I thought it would be sweet to put all the liquorice beans into a wee tin for her. EEK, couldn't you just hug me all up? I should also add that the ratio of liquorice flavoured beans to lets say the rather unpalatable barbeque banana bean is out of all proportion. I found only twelve liquorice flavoured beans in four packets and had to add pineapple and wild berry to the tin to make it look less sad.

Beans separated and tin hidden under a pillow (how freaking smooth am I?) I thought I had better wander outside to check if the laundry was dry. And this ladies and gentlemen is when the whistling bird on my shoulder got told to fuck away off and the carefree abandon of earlier was replaced with rage and anger and no small amount of wrath.

Large portions of my laundry were missing, gone, absent, not fucking there anymore. Specifically my work uniform. Now what sort of sick twisted and down right dirty person steals a waiters uniform? A pervert that's who! I am agitated by this. I am beside myself with agitation. What use is my uniform to anyone? Believe me it's in no way cool, not even in an ironic way. This was definitely the work of a very distorted mind. I mean three doors up had all her laundry out at the same time including a sexy/sleazy nurses uniform and various pairs of ladies unmentionables. Now I'm not advocating it but surely that would have been a better target for a pervert than my uniform.

I picture them in their house dressed in my gear pretending to be me, probably with a small pillow or cushion stuffed up the shirt to mirror my largesse. They are probably making small talk with their stuffed animal collection round the dinner table - rubbish jokes and sleazy lines, just like me. Arrrrggghhh! It's so weird it beggars belief.

I'm not going out again. I'm just gonna sit here with a shotgun on my lap chewing on my own lip and telling strangers to move along. So beware good restaurant diners of Belfast, and surrounding hamlets and villages (specifically Lisburn), the chap taking your order may not be a real waiter, he may be a charlatan, an impostor, a fake or if you are really unlucky it could be me.

27 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Darragh said...

Ah no seriously sir, they're gone? It's not little Miss Manuel of the jellybean fame bringing them in and folding them away for you, is it?

I am *so* keeping an eye on eBay Belfast for the next few days. If I find them, I'll sell them back to you. For some jelly beans, though not the banana ones.

Medbh said...

Freaky, especially if your neighbour had her stuff out as well. Was it for a Halloweed costume? Or do you have a stalker?

There was a young dude on the subway whacked out of his mind running up and down the length of the car tearing pages from a tabloid and trying to paste them over the window. All while talking to himself and taking pictures with his cell phone.
I shit you not.
Cities can be scary.

Manuel said...

darragh: bwahahaha no it wasn't LMM......I do my own laundry thank you. ..you must try the liquorice.....and then tell me what they are like I haven't got near one yet......

medbh: yeah her's was out too and by the looks of it hers were all still there....I suppose I should have warned her. As for subway dude....I mean crikey what do you do faced with that?

savannah said...

how bizarre, sugar! to have your clothesline shopped so selectively! xoxoxo

Manuel said...

savannah: actually that's a good point...how dare they judge my other clothes unworthy of stealing....

Ms. McDermott said...

Obviously an escaped convict...

Manuel said...

ms mcdermott: on my street! crikey.....just like the movies

j0j0 said...

Someone I know had three loads of DIRTY laundry stolen from the boot of her car recently. Clean clothes I can just about get my head around, but what sick fuck steals dirty laundry? Ew. Sorry for your loss though! Is it actual branded workwear that you can get more of from work for free, or just white shirt and black trousers? I hate people sometimes.

Manuel said...

j0j0: yes it was just the branded shirts but the aprons and service cloths are hard to come by at work.....rarer than hens teeth

Silverstar said...

Perhaps I am glad, then, that they don't allow clotheslines in my part of the city. Of course, the scoundrels could steal my clothes out of the dryer in the laundry room, but apparently no one wants them. I don't know whether to be relieved or insulted.

dave said...

FOR SALE: One waiters uniform.

Contact Dave.
City Of Lisburn.

Waiter Extraordinaire said...

Why would anyone do that??? It's beyond me.

Melissa said...

Maybe it is a pervert. A Manuel stalker. Right now he is sitting in front of his computer, wearing your clothes, reading your blog. Drooling on your dress shirt. And I'm not taking this line of thinking any farther.

Enough to give you the shivers.

Manuel said...

silverstar: no clothes lines? how odd.....

dave: I'll hunt you down.......and make you wear it

steve: seriously my life is a monty python sketch......but funny

melissa: aaaaarrrrrghh!

The Hangar Queen said...

Maybe Dr.David Banner happened to be in Belfast and got a bit fucked off over the price of a pint.

Or maybe Nursey nicked them and is doing despicable things at the hospital with them.

Manuel said...

the hangar queen: believe me she is no nurse......awh i do like the thought of a post green hulk looking for some gear......

Sharon said...

Nah not David Banner, it was that other fella who turns up in films naked and looking to nick clothes. He usually attacks a bar full of bikers and steals their leathers, but perhaps he trying for a new look?

"Could I have some more bread please waiter?"

"I'll be back."

sheepworrier said...

heh @ hangar queen.

It's the credit crunch Manuel - your neighbours are resorting to knacker-style shopping (not saying that your neighbours are knackers, but it is the lisburn rd...)

redleeroy said...

hang out some nice shirts, designer jeans and a few more uniforms. Then wait. Wait patiently. Wait patiently with a large iron bar. Then we shall see if this is a repeat offender.

Crispy said...

Ah bu, you poor wee soul. Are you sure Sweetchucks hasn't got em in his "room". He's maybe dressing up as Manuel for Halloween!!!

toast said...

i know a lad whose parents went to knock... for whatever reason it is people go to knock, and stocked up on lashings and lashings of holy water. Now being simple country folk they didn't fancy buying the plastic virgin mary bottles that are the usual vessels for holy water, no they used vodka bottles... stoping off in some shady border town, imagine their surprise to see someone had smashed the window of their car and made off with their holy water... i'll bet that their surprise was nothing compare to the thieves who were mixing up their drinks later

A.B. said...

can I just say? Super sweetie you are to select the jellybeans and hide them.

jen said...

Stolen to order mebbe? Or a crazy stalker...

And you're just a big sweetheart with the jellybean thing. Just found bags of liquorice ones here: http://www.justjellybeans.co.uk/index.php?page=shop.product_details&flypage=flypage.tpl&product_id=31&category_id=1&option=com_virtuemart&Itemid=1

Manuel said...

sharon: bwahahaha.....

sheepo: hey, we have trees and stuff......

redleeroy: no it;s the radiator from now on...

crispy: ha! wouldn't fit him

toast: karmic!

a.b: yeah it was the real point of the post....to make me look good.....

jen: I'll be watching the other staff with a very keen eye this weekend....cheers for the link....xmas sorted....

misfitdoll said...

Someone told me today that there was a massive arguement in a KFC because some guy wanted all breast meat in his box but didn't want the boneless box... weird... him and the manager ended up throwing punches and the rest of the staff ended up throwing hot gravy and dolps of coleslaw at the derranged customer... probably one of those priceless moments in KFC hisotry.

witchypoo said...

Somebody went through my laundry and knicked my knickers once. I was outraged. Perv.

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