Saturday, 2 August 2008

Can't put a price on good conversation.....or shoes.

Waiter chum and I went to throw the rubbish out towards the end of the night. It's not normally a two person job. To tell the truth it's never a two person job. But when the situation is right the two of us "volunteer" to throw the rubbish out just so we can get a crafty extra smoke.

Most smoke breaks are solo affairs so from time to time it's nice to have a chum to share the unique delights of a hand rolled cigarette. I say from time to time because I prefer my smoke breaks on my own free from the inane chatter of chefs and others. I mean the other day they were comparing their hands to see who had the biggest. The logic being that the bigger the hand the bigger the penis.


I kept my child sized hands in my pockets. Obviously.

But then again waiter chat isn't much better. Waiter chat, sounds like a telephone chatline. "Waiter Chat your place to meet up with sexy guys and girls just like you!" or something like that.

Whilst we never stray into the odd places that chefs do, I mean we have never had a hand/cock size debate, our chat during shift isn't much better. Take tonight's witless repartee as we enjoyed our sneaky smoke......

"I'm shattered."

"Me too, and my feet hurt." Replied waiter chum

"Are those new shoes?" I asked as I stared down at her shiny new black pumps. Pumps? Is that what they're called?

"Yeah, the same pair I always get."



"Good shoes eh, you cant put a price on them in this game." I said in a overtly sage and knowing way.

"Too true."

"See these shoes...." I was pushing my little legs out so she could get a good look at my formerly black shoes, now scuffed and faded.


"Fourth pair in a row of these bad boys. Great shoes, they never hurt to break in and always last a right few months."


"Yup. Only forty quid too."


"Yup. Very nice." I was feeling smug and it showed in my face.

"Actually the same here."


"Yeah I alway get these shoes too."


"Like I say, you cant put a price on good shoes in this game."

"Hell no." She said and took a long drag on her smoke.

It went quiet for a moment as we considered shoes from our past or something.

"I mean a bad pair of shoes can really fuck your feet up." For some reason I couldn't give the shoe story up. Why the hell was I persisting with this?

"Oh hell yeah...." She agreed with vigor. I thought she was gonna follow this up with a story about bad shoes but instead she took another drag of her smoke.

"Yup good shoes are important." I was borderline obsessive now about shoes. I could hear the words coming out of my mouth but I just couldn't stop them.

"Especially in this game." She said as she took the final draw from her smoke. It went quiet again. It was hard to know were else to take this conversation. I mean what else was there to talk about considering the subject matter?

But I found a new depth in the conversation, "There are special shoes for waiters you know?"


"Yeah, I think they are Birkenstocks or something."

"Ewww ugly."

"You think so?"

"Yeah they're horrible shoes."

"Yeah, they probably are. But you'd think someone would make a nice shoe for us eh." What the fuck was I on?

"God yeah."

I think we were both relieved that I had stopped talking. But the silence was very abruptly broken by the laughter of a chef who had been lurking in the shadows behind us.

"FUCK ME. Youse two are boring. Shoes? Wah?" And off he went, laughing like a mad man.

Jesus, for once he was right. I went chasing him to compare his hand size with mine. I had to save face.

I'm smoking on my own tomorrow.

Actually, I don't think I'll have a choice.......

23 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Two things:
First, I can say with much experience that the size of a man's peen is meaningless.
It's the size of his libido that matters.
Second, Birkinstocks are horrific hippie shoes.

Manuel said...

medbh: yes, on both accounts......obviously.... I don't know which is more right.....but they are both right....

Maxi Cane said...

Damn, there was me being proud of my big hands!!

Manuel said...

maxi: you know what they say, 'Big hands, big.......gloves'

Anonymous said...

Do you think it coincidental that nobody normally joins you for a smoke.
"Fucks sake, he was on about pens last time."Can't underestimate a good pen. Nope not in this game."".

Manuel said...

bbb: actually now that you mention it a good pen is important......bastard....

belfastyouthworker said...

chefs comparing hand/penis size must be belfast-wide (probably worldwide) - when i was a restaurant slave the chefs would often compare hand size, sometimes 2/3 times a shift, it's fab seeing they have nothing better to do :)

savannah said...

well, sugar, i'd rather have the chefs comparing hand size than whipping out their dicks for measurement!

xoxox ;-)

Manuel said...

belfastyouthworker: they really are an odd bunch eh...?

savannah: oh hell yes.....

problemchildbride said...

I like a man with shoes.

bethanythemartian said...

Shoes for Crews ( makes shoes just for restaurant workers, and they have a 'dress/casual' section for people like Waiters and Hostesses. Shoes for Crews are mandatory when you work at Pizza Hut, I don't know if you knew that. They're nice though a bit expensive, but I've never slipped in them and they're pretty comfy. I don't know who else makes shoes just for waiters...

Good to know you can always take a smoke break and turn it into an awkward conversation.

paddy said...

Yup. Chefs love talking dick. One particularly rough unit i used to work with used to like whacking his dick in a bun hot dog style putting tomato sauce on it and offering it to terrified bussies and dish pigs.

it might be dull, but i'll take discussions about shoes any day manuel.

B said...

This conversation involving me instead of you:

"I'm shattered."

"Me too, and my feet hurt." Replied waiter chum

"Are those new shoes?" I asked as I stared down at her shiny new black pumps. Pumps? Is that what they're called?

"Yeah, the same pair I always get."


" what about your shoes?"

"let's not bother with small talk about shoes okay?"








Anonymous Boxer said...

I have no problem with small hands... I just hate small talk with co-workers, etc.

I used to offer to go the bank so I could grab a coffee at the espresso stand outside. This was before Starbucks crushed them, but you get the idea.

heather said...

not your fault she couldn't hold up her end of the conversation. if she didn't want to talk shoes she should have changed the subject. then you could have had a conversation about mascara perhaps. :)

Native Minnow said...

Smoke breaks - you know that stuff'll kill you, right?

Melissa said...

Shoes might be a boring conversation, but in my line of work we can sometimes end up talking about diarrhea. I'd rather talk about shoes.

jothemama said...

I'm sneaking in a tip comment under your line... not to fuel any fire, just because I posted about it this week without realising anybody else was posting about it -strange, eh?

I wasn't posting about restaurant tipping though, that's fairly clearcut - 15% if service is good or extra helpful/friendly. Right?

Manuel said...

sam: that really made me laugh....

bethanythemartian: I'm the master of it.....

paddy: it just has to be better doesn't it?

b: oh if only I had your skills.....

boxer: small talk kills the brain and the soul....

heather: I have experience of mascara too......long story....

minnow: not getting a break will result in someone else's death too...!

melissa: how shitty....

jothemama: hell yes.......carry on....

MJ said...

Did you take off your shoes at any point and show her your orthotics?

Manuel said...

mj: give five more minutes and i probably would have.....

Crispy said...

Fuck me, you are funny. I'm back in work and tring to stifle laughter makes it all the funnier. What if girls have big hands???
How funny is B?
Someone in the office here suggested turning the air con to v cold just to see the girls nips.....conversation outside the restaurant isn't any better!

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