Friday, 11 July 2008

It's not just me....

Guest Post today from Maxi Cane who despite being a restaurant manger seems to be quite an okay chap.

Lets all share his pain...
maxi cane...

"Way back when I started this I swore to myself that I would never write about the sickening behaviour of the customers that visit the restaurant that I manage simply because I know that other managers of other restaurants have to deal with fuckers much worse than the ones I get.

However... seems that, in the last month in particular, the kinds of lowlifes that I get have evolved into a more pathetic breed. It never ceases to amaze me the lengths that people will go to in order to get a discount on their bill. Don't get me wrong, I'm good at my job, so if there is a complaint that is justified, it will be dealt with in a more than satisfactory manner. On the other side, if I rumble you and your bullshit, I'll not only call you on it but I will make an example of you. People think that a manager should grovel in the situation of an unsatisfied customer.


That's the kind of thinking that has you lot spoiled in the first place. Which is why people don't know how to react when a maverick like myself arrives on the scene to show them how they can't get whatever they want just by making up some shitty complaint. This installment of asshole's guide is dedicated to the worst and most overblown fake and unjustified complaints I have ever received. They are all true, they all happened. It's obvious that I sometimes make stuff up for shits and giggles, but trust me, these all happened.

Ever heard anyone use an allergy to get what they want? Neither had I, until recently. Hark, an actual conversation between me (a normal person) and a grown adult who obviously doesn't like the word no.

Me: Hi, table for three?

Customer: Yes, please.

Me: Here, I have this table, you're in luck. It's my last one. (Opposite the main entrance to the restaurant.)

Customer: Oh, can I have a different one?

Me: You can have a different table, but you will have to wait maybe thirty minutes. This is my last table.

Customer: That's fine, it's just that I'm allergic to drafts.

Me: You're allergic to cold air?

Customer: I just don't want that table.

Me: (Having lost all respect instantly for this person.) Fine, take a seat at the bar.

Incidentally, the same woman asked the staff later on in the evening to have to air conditioning turned on because she was too hot. Correct me if I'm wrong, (and I never am) but air conditioning is, in fact a POXY FUCKING DRAFT. Bint.

I'm a restaurant manager, not a wine connoisseur. I do know the difference between what's hot and what's not in the world of vino. Even the most ignorant to wine could have seen this next fucker coming.
Me: How was everything for you this evening?

Customer: Everything was fine, except for the wine.

Me: Really? What was the problem with the wine?

Customer: It was corked.

Me: I don't think it was. That's pretty impossible actually.

Customer: You haven't even tried the wine.

Me: Well, first of all, you finished the entire bottle, so there's nothing for me to try. And second of all, in order for a wine to be corked, there needs to be a cork involved, your wine came from a screw top bottle.

Customer: Oh.

Me: So how was everything this evening?

Customer: Great, thanks. Case closed, I rule.

A hair in the food of a customer is enough to make any manager crawl on hands and knees to make sure the customer not only won't sue, but will return to the restaurant. Which is what I was about to until....

Customer: Excuse me, there's a hair in my food.

Me: Oh, I'm so sorry, this shouldn't have happened. Let me...

Customer: What's wrong?

Me: (Looking at the hair.) I don't know how to put this, so I'll just say it.

Customer: What?

Me: This colour does not match the hair of any of my staff.

Customer: How can you be so sure?

Me: (Holding the white hair up to the head of my albino customer) It's just a hunch.

In similar instances, people have tried to complain that they have found bones in their chicken, scales on their fish, and skins on their jacket potatoes. I shit you not. That will pretty much do it for now. I feel a lot better having vented all of that into the world. Who knows, maybe one day people will stop acting like knob cheese and just behave like adults. I won't hold my breath though. Tomorrow is another day full of diabetics ordering chocolate fudge cake, celiacs who can eat bread if the crust is cut off and people who are allergic to onions in their salads, but not in their onion rings."

Maxi Cane.

See told you it wasn't just me.....

17 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Quickroute said...

No pleasing some people especially when they just want to find fault!

Medbh said...

Well done calling them on it, Maxi Cane. No need to reward bad behavior.

healthy distrust said...

Maybe the timing's not the best, given that you didn't write this last post, Do you do it? I work in a restaurant too, and the capacity to write a cogent, sensible, funny blog post after work..well, it escapes me. Fair ball, man (), fair ball.

harried_dad said...

I used to work for [A big supermarket chain]. I once had a guy come in at 2 in the morning with a few too many beers in him. He had a carrier bag that stank. When he opened it there was a pack of mouldy bacon in there.

He started off by accusing me of trying to poison him. And then proceeded to suggest that I was a w!@#$er for ruining his fry up and what was I going to do about it.

When I checked the wrapper and receipt I found out that it came from [a different supermarket].

He told me he couldn't be bothered to "drive all that way" and that I was being a ----- ------- ----- for not "doing the right thing, its not like its your money anyways".

So I told him to go home, and called the Police to tip them off about the drink driving.

When I drove home later that morning I saw his car parked at the side of the road by the lights. Police must have picked him and his mouldy bacon up :)

MJ said...

When did every second child in the world become allergic to peanuts?

When I was a kid, nobody ever went into anaphylactic shock after they'd eaten a peanut butter sandwich.

belfastyouthworker said...

Haha, yes, in my job there's a lot of anaphylactic kids. Something so simple as a round of chocolate muffins has never been so complicated!
When I used to work in [Belfast restaurant], someone tried to claim that there was a moth baked *inside* the meat of a medium well fillet (because that happens on a regular basis..poor cows). It was clearly a setup and of course the manager caved!

Maxi Cane said...

Thanks for posting this, my stress bubble got a little smaller with that!

To all:
I don't want to take over responding to comments on Manuel's page, but it's good to hear that the general public behave like inconsiderate fuckwits everywhere, not just when me or Manuel are around!!!

Manuel said...

maxi: no carry on......I'm far too busy....

Native Minnow said...

Recently I found some shattered plastic in my ice cream, but didn't say anything. I just didn't finish it. It's not worth the hassle. Thinking about it now, I probably should have said something just to make sure nobody else ended up with some in theirs, but I'm just too lazy (and inconsiderate?) to make a big deal out of things like that. Had it been a finger on the other hand . . .

Native Minnow said...

See also my post the other day about finding my "dessert item" on a bed of dead moths - still didn't say anything.

Maybe I'm a pussy.

Maxi Cane said...

Native minnow:

It's the people who don't say anything that piss me off the most. If you have a genuine complaint, you should bring it up straight away, calmly but straight away.
Shattered plastic or moths could have come from anywhere depending on where the restuarant gets their desserts from (More and more places buy in) or how their made (Some kitchens are filthy holes run by manky chefs with filthy holes!)
Either way, if you were in my place and that happened you, chances are you would not be putting your hand in your pocket, and you would be eating for free whenever you came in. After an investigation of course.

You're not a pussy for not complaining, just like a lot of people who think they'll be making a fuss and after a post like mine here, I can understand why!!!

Never approach a complaint kicking and screaming, always be calm and collected. You'll never have to ask for compensation that way, it will always follow, whether it's a free coffee as a gesture or a life time all you can eat pass.

If a waiter or manager are worth their salt, they will want to get you back or more importantly stop you telling your story which prevents others ever coming in the first place. Free food doesn't always do it though which is why if you want to be listened to, don't try to cause an arguement or a scene, because they'll shut you up and move you out, nicely of course.

Be firm in your complaint, but nice and you'll be surprised the reaction you'll get.

dave said...


Manuel said...

dave: in what context do you mean that?

harried_dad said...

I think Dave meant
Where's The Freebies

The complainer's equivalent of
"Show me the money"

Sherry QuiteContrary said...

"Who knows, maybe one day people will stop acting like knob cheese and just behave like adults."

knob cheese.. hehe I like that one

Oh and mj both my daughters were allergic to peanuts. Something they did outgrow. Peanut allergies are one of deadliest. Not something to take lightly.

Kayleigh said...

hey Maxi,
Saw this and thought of you :)

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