Friday, 4 April 2008

Waiter porn and other questions

Questions

Questions

Questions

So many questions, aren't you all a confused bunch of filleters?!
Filleters? Does that work?

Not sure.

But I got the answers to all your questions.you picked my brain clean

Question one comes from an angry old man in Killamory,
"Dear Manuel, I was wondering, what is the reaction from waiters when they see that someone has spilled food doon their front? do they laugh? mutter about eating like pigs? or embarrass the customer by helping them clean it and making a big fucking issue out of it. It happened to a friend once."
Yeah, a "friend". Yes we laugh, we laugh heartily. Given the opportunity we would get our camera phones out and record it for future amusement and to use on blogs. Unless of course the food hits the table and floor and chair and curtains etc. Then it's not so funny as we have to clean your mess up. I do like to step in with the club soda and salt routine when the red wine "jumps" from the glass and all over your shirt. That's worth cash every time. Making money from other peoples mistakes? Oh hell yeah! Adult bibs are available and we can help tuck them in for no extra cost.

Boxer asked,
"Why do (some) waiters sit down at the table to take an order? Are they tired? Hungry? My new best friend?"
New best friend? No, as always it's just your cash they are after. I don't do this, I may have done it as a younger waiter but not now. Getting down isn't the problem, but getting up again is a whole lot more challenging. So I prefer the upright ordering position. Plus it's much easier to look down my nose at you when you ask for your steak well done. But why do waiters do it? Waiters are told during pointless training courses by hyper happy people to "break down the wall" between the customer and themselves. This can apparently be done by making eye contact, touching the customer on the shoulder or arm, or by getting down to their eye level. It is scientifically proven to work by some American university. Not sure which one, McDonalds have one don't they? But most customers just don't like it. A gentle touch of the arm or shoulder with a customer you know well is fine but sitting down beside them? Not a fucking chance, plus you don't know where the dirty beasts have been!

Anonymous Roger needs help getting as pished as a fart. Pfft easy.....
"I know you're really busy but I have this cousin over from Sydney week after next and he really wants to do a crawl of Belfast - I got the Crown and Kelly's Cellars covered but where else would you recommend?"
I'm not a fan of The Crown, sure it looks great but hasn't got much else going for it. Bit like [insert obvious celebrity here] Belfast is coming down with bars, some good, some bad, some you may never make it out of alive. But sure start at The Crown but then check these out....
  1. The Spaniard - for service and atmosphere and most importantly a damn good G and T.
  2. The John Hewitt - for music, good beer, and the smugness of the artsy fartsy crowd that goes there.
  3. The Duke of York - good tunes and good pints.
  4. McHughs - good pints and good music.
  5. Katy Dalys - good music and you always meet someone you know and it's always fun to laugh at the 30 year old Emo's.
  6. Kelly's Cellars- for it's authenticity and there is always the chance that someone will offer you some dodgy DVD's, which is always a bonus.
  7. Lavery's - best saved til you are fairly pished but stay downstairs unless you are into punk as fuck rock and roll. Nowt wrong in it.
Confused of Castlecourt writes,
"Hey Manuel,what is the correct name for Brown sauce with out having to refer to it's brand name "HP" or "Daddies" (urgh!). Ketchup, I get, but brown sauce leaves me confused!!"
Brown sauce? Brown? Sauce? Pfft. If you are asking for brown sauce you needn't worry about what to call it. I'm not sure it has a "proper" name but the good old French cheekily refer to it as Sauce Anglais. But don't confuse it with Creme Anglais. You don't want to put custard on your chips. Try asking for that next time you are in Goodfellas.

MJ had a barrage of questions. Oddly enough only one refers to my ass. Huh...sort of upset about that.
1.Has seeing the bad behavior of diners made YOU a better customer when you're in a store or restaurant?
2. What is your greatest revenge fantasy?
3. What do you want us to do with our plates and cutlery at the end of our meal? Do you want us to tidy them up a bit? Or just leave them?
4. Just once could I fondle your bum?
1. I was always a good little shopper/guest. Saying that I rarely complain even when I have been wronged. I just don't go back or bitch about them on here. LMM on the other hand takes no shit and is quick to tell them what's what. I normally just excuse myself and hide in the toilets.
2. Apart from fork stabbing I have a dream were some dickwad is giving me grief and asks to speak to the owner only for me to say I am the owner. Oh that would be sweet sweet fun. Then I would kick his fat ass out on the street. Clam Chowder lives my dream.......the bastard.
3. Just leave them! Set your cutlery down and together so we know you are finished and then just wait. Don't stack, don't scrape, and for the love of all that is just and right in the world don't pile them up in a stack. Nothing, well very little, gets on my titties more than stackers. I like to destruct the stack and carry away just 3 plates at the time. Ha that tells them. Oh wait......
4. I am obliged by health and safety regulations to advise you not to touch the sweet sweet sugar loaf. You don't know where it's been.......But just once I would let you, just you.

Fat Mammy Cat, Benders Better Brother, and Ed all wanted to know about chefs. Chefs are a complicated and drunken race of people. There is too much to say about them in this post so I will dedicate a whole post to them in the next few days. Are they psychotic? Do they all swear like Mr Ramsay? Is it possible to cook when you are that drunk? The answer to all these questions is of course, yes. But there's more to it than that.....

But maybe my favourite question came from Emma K,
"Why do waiters never feature in porn movies whereas pizza delivery boys do? Are you hurt by this?"
I just don't know why. Considering the "wonderful" people in porn will use just about any other member (titter) of society for their "work" it seems odd that they would leave us out. Don't you need big tools to work in porn? We only have little tools like corkscrews (titter) and cloths. Am I hurt? Nah not really. We waiters have work to be doing, we have no time for sexy fun. Like they say over at Bitter Waitress, "All tip and no shaft."

19 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Very well done, Manuel.
Now my question: what is the best tip that you've ever received?

Manuel said...

medbh: not counting service charges which can go up to the hundreds at xmas.....probably about £!00 on a table of six.....Americans they really are the dog nuts.....bless them....

AM said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bendersbetterbrother said...

My question wasn't about chefs. It was about you. And there I was thinking you were actually reading them...

"What's the most disgusting thing you've done with a customer's food then?".

Manuel said...

bbb: dude! Shit this is like ordering chicken and getting steak. Whoops.....I was juggling between comments and emails and stuff......sorry....I'll answer that in the chef post.....actually that works well for me.....Have a glass of wine whilst we get your chicken on....basket of bread sir?

Manuel said...

and what the fuckity is am?

bendersbetterbrother said...

Ah, I forgot to hit the Wordpress open ID sign in so it defaulted to one of my Gmail/Blogger IDs. Of course I couldn't let it stay up as it would blow my anonymity and then I'd be exposed as the seriously big cheese that I am.

EmmaK said...

many thanks for the answer to this question....anti-waiter prejudice is a huge prejudice in porn and needs to be addressed. I'm gonna start a campaign.

daisyfae said...

"Americans they really are the dog nuts..."

Awwww... that may be the nicest thing anyone's said about us since Monkey Boy bought himself a presidency!

MJ said...

You'd let me fondle your sugarloaf?

*faints and loses the opportunity*

Old Knudsen said...

Brown sass is by appointment by the Queen so I must request you show some respect to it or it'll be cavalry sabers at dawn or at least after 11am ish.

conortje said...

This is all a bit like a recruitment drive. Join us now - have a challenging career in waiting. Sign me up now!

sheepworrier said...

Oops, missed my opportunity on the questions. But I laugh in the face of your rules and tickle the testicles of your authority, so...
Has any 'rustic' customer ever asked for english mustard with the gammon?

Manuel said...

bbb: more dairylea than camembert I'd say

emma k: tibet, zimbabwe, waiter porn, only the big issues on wdf.....

daisyfae: hands across the ocean....

mj: it's a one time deal.....

old k: wouldn't put it on my sausage roll......dirty food

conortje: make new friends, lots of cash, 13 hour days!

sheepo: oh hell yeah......and the dirty europeans with their mayo and chips, and the japanese with their ice cream and cranberry sauce, it's a frightening place to work......

bendersbetterbrother said...

"bbb: more dairylea than camembert I'd say"

LIDL's Dairylea clone more like.

Blondefabulous said...

Why do the host/hostesses chatter together in a little group and then seat us in a section and NOT tell the waiter/waitress we are there. Do they not realize your timely arrival affects the tips, or are they purposfully trying to screw you over?? is there really a war between the hosts/hostesses vs. waiters/waitresses?!?

MJ said...

Blondefabulous: Back in the day, I once had a stint as a hostess at a cabaret.

The waitresses hated me because I made huge tips for seating people and little else whilst they worked their arses off.

Of course it may have had something to do with my dress slit up to here and cut down to there.

Niall said...

smooth, his highness will be proud of the good little employee you are.... lol... ps: started fuckin round with a blog again, let me know what u think and i may continue it

fgeegf said...

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