Thursday, 17 April 2008

Rules....

It's Saturday night at about 8pm

(It's not really for anyone who is reading this whilst drunk, you know who you are, I'm just setting the scene.)

A very attractive woman and her marginally attractive friend have just been seated.

Enter Manuel, a waiter.....

(not very attractive but happy in his own skin)you cant see me
hee hee hee

"Hello ladies, can I get you some drinks?"

"Two glasses of Chardonnay please" replied the marginally attractive woman

"And what will you have?" asked Manuel as he turned to the very attractive woman.

Confusion gave way to laughter.

Oh Manuel you cad....

It was at this point that Manuel remembered that he had served the very attractive lady more than a few times recently. You would think he would have remembered this seeing as she was so attractive. But his memory is pish poor, rock n roll and television probably the culprits.

"So..." asked Manuel "...don't you normally dine with a young man?" Manuel remembered him very clearly, shitty tipper, very shitty tipper.

"Oh he's gone!" She seemed very pleased to announce this, the marginally attractive lady seemed pleased too. There was laughter.

Manuel could have left it there. He could have gone and got them their wine. He could have gone and checked on the ugly people on table 19. He could have but he didn't.....

"Really? Good work. Never really liked him. You could do so much better." Said Manuel with the enthusiasm of a parent whose 17 year old daughter has just split up with her 29 year old unemployed boyfriend.

There was a moments silence.

Oh shit.

A Mexican stand off followed....

Manuel stared at the very attractive lady.

She stared at the marginally attractive lady.

The marginally attractive lady stared at Manuel.

"Yeah, he's gone to England for the weekend."

BALLS, DOUBLE BALLS, DOUBLE BALLS IN A VICE BEING SQUEEZED

"Right...so..eh.....I'l get your wine then......"

I spent the rest of the meal playing hide and seek with this table of two attractive ladies. They were very sweet to me for the rest of the meal and left a very generous tip. Still, her bloke's a shitty tipper and that's that.

There is a rule that you don't mention the guest's previous visit, unless you are very confident that it's the same people from last time. It's to protect the guilty. This is a very good rule, and one that I will be adhering to from now on.......

32 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Blondefabulous said...

That's right up there with me asking a customer who frequented my place when she was expecting her baby to be born,.... when she turned out not to be pregnant, just fat from eating out all the time. I just crawled in to a hole and died after that. Never made small talk with the customers again, unless it was about the weather.

Manuel said...

blondie: Did it....about three weeks ago......got away with it....I think....

Medbh said...

Oh, shit.
On the up side, maybe she'll think she can do better, Manuel.
You possibly did her a favor.

daisyfae said...

ouch. and yes, it brings to mind Dave Berry's rule regarding inquiring about pregnancies - NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby emerging from her body...

Quickroute said...

Oi! Manuel - Stop bad mouthing me and chatting to my girlfriend while I'm in England for the w/e. Think i was a bad tipper before - Just you wait laddie!

MJ said...

My latest foot-in-mouth moment...

Asking a colleague (who was on crutches) if they were giving him good painkillers.

He told me he couldn't take anything for the pain as he became addicted to painkillers during a previous injury.

Doh!

Kenny Wisdom said...

Oh, I love laughing at other peoples faux pas! Banana skin moments!

Hi, Manuel. I'm new but I've been following your blogs for a little while now. The perfect start to a shitty working day!

Old Knudsen said...

I asked a fella the other day how his wife was, he said she had been killed in a car crash the week before and they just buried her yesterday.

I said to him I just asked you a fucking question mate I didn't want yer life story. Then I said so a party at yer place then?

dave said...

"But his memory is pish poor"

Jeezus Manuel, that mistake should never have happened! But judging by the tip, you've been forgiven already.

Schoolboy error in my opinion.

ellie said...

Man in a wheelchair approached reception desk and asked me to get him something I replied:

"Certainly Sir, just take a seat and I will get that for you now"

Silence .....

Conan Drumm said...

Could have been worse, you might have said (with every justification), "Well done you, tight bastard wasn't he?"

sheepworrier said...

Nicely done Manuel, nicely done...
Its lucky you're not single, or it would've been twice as bad.

Manuel said...

medbh: they guy is such a doofus it's not true.......

daisyfae: hahahahahaha and even then......

quickie: in your dreams....

mj: ouch......and foot in mouth with you tends to mean an actual foot in a mouth....

kenny: welcome kenny....good of you to say so....

old k: and I don't even doubt it......

dave: what about the cctv dave? Eh where's the money dave?

Ellie: hahahahahaha....

conan: I was close to it, hell I should have just said it, in for a penny and all that......

sheepo: Actually I probably will be single when she reads this......

conortje said...

oh Manuel, I just blushed for you reading this. And then had a mighty big laugh (sorry!)

savannah said...

you were just momentarily blinded by the very attractive woman, sugar!

(LMBO now, spitting coffee and crying)

Crispy said...

Bwahahahahahahah
hahahahahahahhaha, you are a legend, I mean a leg end!! She'll never be back now you know.

Manuel said...

conortje: i'm still red faced.....

savannah: i'm still crying too....

crispy: she'll be back...probably with her chap........

Anonymous said...

I can identify. As someone who regularily dines in the same restaurants but with different women, nothing annoys me more than when the waiter asks about someone I was there with previously. Actually what annoys me just as much is when the waiter assumes the person I'm with is my wife/girlfriend.

dave said...

"dave: what about the cctv dave? Eh where's the money dave?"

Ha ha! I can just hear the condescending Stewie Griffin tone of voice.

We're too poor in 'the city for everyone' to afford cameras. I thought everyone knew that. Maybe I'll start a whipround starting with Old Knudsen and Sheepo.

Manuel said...

anonymous: it's a long standing rule.....sure gossip about them behind their back but best not to just ask them......

dave: i'll phone mr geldof.....

fatmammycat said...

EEP. At least you didn't tip wine over her and set them on fire. At least.

Manuel said...

fmc: no no saving that for next time.....

paddy said...

paddy: aren't you the good lad taking you mum to the pub for nice gin and tonic.

regular punter: this is my partner Cath.

paddy: oh christ. I think there's a problem in the cellar. I may be gone for some time.

Manuel said...

paddy: you think it's like a disease we have eh?

bendersbetterbrother said...

I think they spotted a perfect opportunity for a wind up.

Consider yourself well and truly SUCKERED.

Manuel said...

bbb: funnily enough someone else said that too....

Native Minnow said...

Oopsie

lorraine@italianfoodies said...

oops, I'm blushing for you here!!:)

Manuel said...

minnow and Lorraine: oops indeed.....oops says it all really.......

Ali said...

That's fantastic, Manuel.

Manuel said...

ali: you should have been there......!

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