Wednesday, 23 April 2008

Dictionary...

Extracts from the restaurant waiters dictionary...

that's up for redefinition.......

A is for....

...Americans. Lovely people, great guests, great tippers. Brother will fight sister for the right to serve Americans. The only problem I have with them, and it is a small one, is their over enthusiasm. I mean everything is "awesome" or "super" or "wow". I brought a table some water the other night and they all shouted "awesome". Really? For water? Awesome? Well I suppose it beats, "about fucking time..."

it's also for.
..

...Australians. Lovely people, great guests, pishy tippers. Brother will also fight sister to get away from them. I've seem waiters tell Aussies we were fully booked when the restaurant was empty and our next booking was twelve hours away.

and...


...Aioli. Used to be a big problem, people couldn't pronounce it! Aioli was introduced into Ireland a few years ago by a group of traveling monks who wowed people at fairs and carnivals with their sauce that was bit like mayonnaise but not quite the same. Some wag shouted that it was just Hellmann's with garlic in it but the monks refuted this and the man was never seen again. I once had a guest tell me that our menu printer must be dyslexic as they had spelt oil wrong. Man did he have egg based sauce on his face.

as well as...


...Artisan. This is a fairly new word in terms of restaurant menus. An artisan is a craftsperson, someone who shuns the high productivity of mechanised factories and what have you preferring to use their talents and hands to produce something individual and of a very high quality. But what it really means is that you get to pay 25% more for your cheese or pudding. Restaurants used to say "homemade" now it's all Artisan. Pfft.......nonsense!

and not forgetting...

...Al dente. Firm but not hard apparently. Everything was al dente in the world of Irish restaurants in the 90's (80's everywhere else). Now chefs just use it as an excuse when they undercook the veg or the pasta, "It's fucking al-den-taaaaaaay" they shout at you as you bring them back a warm, but essentially raw, bowl of carrots. I can overlook the carrots but please stop telling me the chicken was meant to be al dente!

More coming soon, probably the "B's", seems the most obvious choice.

25 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

Medbh said...

Fab feature, Manuel. You can create a ton of posts on this.

I expected to see assholes here under "A" but you probably don't want to appear too sniffy.

upset waitress said...

So you read Carl Haisen? He comes into the restaurant all the time. Nice guy. I remember when I was a kid and he wasn't famous. I only read one book that I really liked. Anyway, since you whined enough I'll do something about your badges tomorrow. I'll rotate you and Tony somehow.

upset waitress said...

Oh on topic. When you get to the B's....Americans are so Beavis and Butthead. They use the word "like" in every other word of a sentence. "Like awesome like"

Manuel said...

medbh: too sniffy? me? I aspire to be too sniffy, and snooty........assholes have been reclassified under c...for......

upset: I love Carl Hiaasen....I've got like all his books n stuff including the stuff he's written for kids and the collections of his columns......quality......hows that for an awesome sounding american! ?

upset waitress said...

So should I mail you the Miami Herald every week? Or you could just read his column online probably. You are obsessed! With a guy. Figures. :)

Manuel said...

upset: obsessed with a guy? pfft.....I have many obsessions.....mainly revolving around me....

Anonymous said...

Following your request that people arriving from the waiterrant site to comment I'm going to but in the process I'm going to end up sounding like a patriotic idiot. Regarding your definition of Aussies - hate that word - not tipping. Might be because over here we don't tip. Not that thats an excuse because we should pay attention to another countries society, thats really sounds up myself, Could you in one of your posts please explain what tipping acutally is and how if traveling you should approach tipping.
By the way I really like you blog very entertaining.

Manuel said...

anonymous: Welcome!

Australians don't tip when they go out to eat and drink here which is a bit odd to me because any Australian waiters/bartenders I've worked with get as irked as I do when people stiff us. I know that you don't tip as part of normal routine but when in Rome and all that. Tip for good service/food. Tip the barman and you guarantee you'll get served quicker then next time you go to the bar. Wages are rubbish so tips really do make the difference. 10 or above in restaurants and the price of a pint in a bar.

It's not fair on the Kiwis as they tip really well but we tend to treat them like you guys until we know where they are from.......

Anyways glad you like the bog don't let my digs at your country put ou off, it'll be the English's turn tomorrow.....

daisyfae said...

Frustrating at my age to run into gentlemen friends who are "al dente"... i might become a "cougar" yet!

Hiaasen? In my top five - hey, uw - if i come to visit, can you hook a sister up?

Native Minnow said...

Good to see that at least someone abroad still likes us.

Jessie said...

I'm also a waiterrant commenter. Americans are over-enthusiastic becuase we hear horror stories over here about how much Europeans hate us. We try to shield ourselves from the hate by being a little too nice. Also, not all Americans use "like" improperly--just the stupid ones. We do, however, love emoticons : p

Anonymous Boxer said...

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

OK, I do.

We tip well because we know we're obnoxious.

MJ said...

A is for arsepic, er, aspic.

lorraine@italianfoodies said...

They don't tip in Rome either, I think it's def an Irish and American thing at this stage!! Looking forward to the journey to z!!!

Manuel said...

daisyfae: oh er missus.......

minnow: lovely people, lovely lovely lovely......now give me cash

jessie: welcome jessie! It is sort of endearing and in a way quite sweet.......bless

boxer: no, no you're not......I rarely get grief from American guests....

mj: damn it.........

lorraine: could be trick along the way......i mean "u"? what's going on there then?

sheepworrier said...

Makes you wonder how all the waiters survived back in the day before we became so Americanized...

Manuel said...

sheepo: we had the upper classes, they let us sleep in the coal shed and eat scraps......happy days.....

Blondefabulous said...

Oh nummy! Al Dente chicken.

bendersbetterbrother said...

You left out arsehole.

Crispy said...

It's St George's Day Manuel...have a go at the English today!!! Start with Giles whatshisface from the Telegraph, then move on to .....the list would be endless, but you can figure it out. Heston Bloomin-takes-ages-to-cook-anything would be second!!!

MJ said...

S is for Sugarloaf.

What? You made it look like we were on "S" with that photo.

Manuel said...

blondie: true story....

bbb: oh it's coming.....

crispy: best to let sleeping englishmen sleep......

mj: diversionary tactics.......sugarloaf will be next month sometime.....or maybe not.....

savannah said...

we try, sugar! we're just not as cool as all y'all across the pond! ;-) xoxox

Manuel said...

savannah: oh I dunno about that....

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