Monday, 7 April 2008

Chefs

So you wanna know about chefs eh?

Lovely fellas, couldn't eat a whole one but lovely fellas all the same.

Except when they are being mentalists.

Like Saturday night.

The rolling pin was well and truly chucked out of the pram.

The Yanks had the Reds

Cats have dogs

Waiters have chefs.

It's an eternal struggle.he's only 24.....

Saturday night was a bit crazy for about an hour. Despite being booked in controllable blocks all our tables arrived and ordered within a nasty 40 minute period. It happens sometimes. Some arrive early, some arrive late, some take a fucking eternity to decide between fish and steak. This inevitably means that the kitchen gets it, "up the fucking hole" as the head chef so poetically put it.

I was passing the kitchen to get ice and popped my head in to tell them that there was only a four and a two still to order. I thought this would be greeted with relief.

Wrong.

Very wrong.

Super fantastically wrong.

With croutons on top.

"THIS IS OUT OF ORDER!' Roared the chief cooker jockey.

"Eh...yeah but..." Fuck it thought I. I looked into his eyes and saw nothing but mental fury. So off I went. I knew what was coming and didn't want to know.

"THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? WHO THE FUCK TAKES THESE BOOKINGS?" There was spit and sweat flying everywhere.

I shrugged and kept on walking. But it appears his question wasn't rhetorical.

"GET THE FUCK BACK HERE. WHAT THE FUCK? DON'T YOU DARE WALK AWAY FROM ME!"

Christ on a bike. I stumbled, nervously, back into the kitchen.

"THIS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH. WHY ARE ALL THESE IN AT ONCE?"

I wasn't having this.

"Hey, listen here you fucking mentalist. Shut the fuck up and get on with it. More cooky cooky less shouty shouty you sweaty shit rag. And another thing you over cooked my last fillet, get it together."

or it may have gone a bit more like this....

"Yeah sorry mate, sorry they all arrived at once sorry sorry. You want some water up? Sorry!"

When a head chef turns to the darkside you just have to duck and cover. You cant beat them, verbally or physically. He roared on for another couple of minutes. I stood there and took it. I could see the little chefs laughing, I'll get them back. I went back into the restaurant and swore for a good few minutes.

Chefs are mentalists, ultra mentalists. Now I appreciate the pressures they are under. I understand that the heat and flame and the trying to work when drunk/stoned has a negative effect on their normally happy personas. I know the pain of chefs arse. But gimme a break! What the fuck did that volley of abuse achieve? Nothing, nothing at all.

My dad is a chef, now retired. He was mentalist too. He once barred all the waiters from the kitchen because they were annoying him. Que? Like how was that gonna work? The head waiter and I had to take their plates off them at the door to the kitchen and call their food away and then go back to the kitchen and collect their food again. Fawlty Towers? Pfft! He also wouldn't speak to you or even acknowledge your presence if you didn't call him chef! But after work he was an absolute gent. He bought them all a drink, he had many many drinks of his own too.

Chefs love a drink. Many many drinks. And if these drinks can be combined with work then that's even better. There is even a charity that helps chefs with alcohol problems. Since dad retired he is like a different person, calm, measured, and hardly drinks at all.

I can take a spit and sweat embossed verbal assault form a head chef. They have earned the right. But I don't stand for it from anything under head chef. Fuck that. Head chefs make decisions and have the maturity not to take things personally, well most of the time. Junior chefs do not.

I am talking about wee lads who only got into catering on the advice of their schools career counselor. The brick laying classes already being full.

Waiters have to put up with their little temper tantrums. God forbid you have to take something back to the kitchen or even worse you make a mistake. Pans get slammed, eyes are rolled, and microwave doors are slammed ALONG WITH THE SWEARING AND SHOUTING!! Often they gather round the offending plate and take turns in poking it and offering their "educated" opinion, "Its fine" "No problem with it" "the fucks wrong with that?" and so on.

I am left standing there waiting for one of them to make the obvious decision, to remake it. They get there in the end. If they weren't stoned half the time they could get to the decision quicker. By this point I am usually getting stressed out listening to their ramblings. But I have to compose myself and return to the table with a bogus apology from the chef. Chefs never apologise. NEVER.

So when you decide you are going to send back something to the kitchen think of us waiters for a moment, think about the shit storm we are about to face. Do you still want to send it back?

27 People trying to get Manuel's attention:

savannah said...

not any more, sugar...ever! xox

ruthEbabes said...

Is the photo not a woman? Looks like it by the hands, feminine glasses and earring.

Manuel said...

savannah: then your soup is safe.....

ruthebabes: yes bit HE'S been drinking too much and the hate and anger has contorted his little face........poor little fella...

bendersbetterbrother said...

"more cooky cooky". Another reason why I couldn't be a waiter. I would have said that. Then I'd have come home with a bruise.

Manuel said...

bbb: their words are worse than their bites.......I mean a troupe of spides with knives....would you tangle with them?

Medbh said...

We went out to our local for dinner the other night when the pups were crated.
I had the worst pizza EVAH and was complaining to Mr. M about how I would eat at home. The barman/waiter heard and offered to take it back. Oh, no, I said. The mentalist chef who was in the room with his family would have pissed on it.
The waiter got 30%.

daisyfae said...

your "24 year old chef" looks just like my mom. seriously. that's scary... except mom likes to grow the cigarette ash to about 2-3 inches so we chase her around with an ashtray.

MJ said...

I'll massage the chef's arse out of ya.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Hey! I know better. I NEVER send anything back. Seriously.

I've worked in food service.

Old Knudsen said...

Saturday Night is never complete without seeing a chef fucking a dead gurl in the street, that says it all.

sheepworrier said...

You should always keep a 10-deal in your pocket to reward the chef at the end of the night, like a doggy treat. No more shouty-shouty then.

Manuel said...

Medbh: bravo for you and bravo for the waiter! nothing for the chef, obviously....

daisyfae: bwahahahahaha.......I look forward to being old....

mj: crikey....

boxer: we salute you!

old k: one chef one time.......

sheepo: ten deal? ha! that's like throwing a sandwich at Dawn French......

yoyo said...

Hehehe..

Just be glad you dont have to actively work *in* the kitchen with the fuckers!

You wanna see my scars?!

Poor Manuel. :(
Catering is bloody stressfull, as well you know. The chefs are wankers to shout but know that it's not because they hate YOU personally, but that they merely hate the whole world and everything in it.

It's not your fault..

yoyo said...

..Probably.

dave said...

FFS Manuel, grow a set!
Head cooker jockey or not, he's still a person.
Next time he gives you grief, tell him to bite ya and get the fuck on with it.
Fight back! He won't do anything, trust me. In fact, he'll respect you and be nice to you.

sheepworrier said...

Heh, Dave's trying to get you killed in the face with a spatula, Manuel - don't believe his lies.

daisy mae said...

i think the worst are the "head chefs" at little dives, many of which i've had the pleasure of working with. just because you unwrapped it and threw it on a flat iron, doesn't make you a culinary genius.

the upscale places i've worked have been better - at least when they first opened and chef hadn't become a raging alcoholic.

talked back to the head chef one day (he gave my 14 top of regular guests away, but still made me sell them their wine, all so the new girl could wait on them... first day on the floor and all. bah!) and got such a verbal beatdown not only that day, but the next day as well, i told him to f off and quit on the spot.

on the sunny side, the restaurant folded a month later. just desserts, if you ask me.

Manuel said...

yoyo: it actually is......but I'm fine with that....

dave: big talk from a guy from "city" with no hotel......oh wait.....

sheepo: Lisburn's an odd place with odd people.....

daisy mae: welcome! Yeah you cant beat them, they heat the plates up to a million degrees and fuck your food over for the rest of the night......not worth it....

A knife bearer said...

we are going to get you, get you good

savannah said...

no worries, sugar, just keep an eye to your letterbox! you'll e dancing for joy ;-)

jen said...

Nope - I've never sent anything back, it causes a lot of stress for the frontline troops and I know how that goes... I was a (very bad) waitress for a while and the chef there was definitely a mentalist with top medal honours - you could hear him screaming from miles away. Wow, I've gone all military with my analogies. Guess it's appropriate though!

Manuel said...

knifey: come and have a go if you think you're hard enough......eh only joking

savannah: oh! yippee!

jen: it's called a brigade for a reason I suppose.....send em all to Iraq that's what I say.....

fatmammycat said...

You have summed them up perfectly. Crazy heat wobbled loons the lot of them.

Margaret said...

I've only ever waited tables in one place, albeit for 4 years, open kitchen, and myself and the chef used to have almighty screaming matches. Frightened several customers, but by then end, all the customers behaved perfectly. We had 'em well trained.

Manuel said...

fmc: asbo's for the lot of them!

margaret: bwahahahahaha quality

Maxi Cane said...

Chefs have to deal with cooking food, boo hoo. We (Front of house staff) have to deal with customers and chefs who can't deal with food. Being a chef who went into management, I have no sympathy for chefs. The only thing that stops me going back to being a chef is other chefs. I once had a chef frog marched from a restaurant in hand cuffs after he came at me with a knife all because my customer wanted a steak cooked medium rare!
Bollocks to chefs, and the egos they ride in on.

fgeegf said...

成人電影,情色,本土自拍, 情色聊天室, 寄情築園小遊戲, AV女優,成人電影,情色,本土自拍, A片下載, 日本A片, 麗的色遊戲, 色色網, ,嘟嘟情人色網, 色情網站, 成人網站, 正妹牆, 正妹百人斬, aio,伊莉, 伊莉討論區, 成人遊戲, 成人影城,
ut聊天室, 免費A片, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網,
美女交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人貼圖, 成人電影, A片, 豆豆聊天室, 聊天室, UT聊天室, 尋夢園聊天室, 男同志聊天室, UT男同志聊天室, 聊天室尋夢園, 080聊天室, 080苗栗人聊天室, 6K聊天室, 女同志聊天室, 小高聊天室, 情色論壇, 色情網站, 成人網站, 成人論壇, 免費A片, 上班族聊天室, 成人聊天室, 成人小說, 微風成人區, 色美媚部落格, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人論壇,
日本A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友, 本土自拍, 免費A片下載, 性愛,
成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, aV, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片,成人電影,情色,本土自拍,